Working It: Jokes for the office and every profession

A man shows up for work with his arm in a cast.

“What happened to you?” his assistant asks.

“I broke my arm in two places yesterday.”

“Man, that sucks,” says his assistant. “It would probably be a good idea to avoid those two places from now on.”

* * *

The head of human resources is interviewing a potential candidate for the open position of corporate attorney. “Would you consider yourself an honest lawyer?” the HR person asks in the interview.

“Honest?” the lawyer responds. “Let me tell you how honest I am. My father sold everything he had to put me through law school. After my very first case, I paid him back in full.”

“That’s very impressive,” the HR person admits. “What was the case?”

The attorney fidgets in his seat and says, “He sued me for the money.”

* * *

A man is begging a judge to let him off jury duty because of his job. “I’m sure your company can get along fine without you for a few days,” the judge tells the man.

“I know,” the man answers. “But that’s what I’m trying to prevent them from figuring out.”

* * *

A man goes on a job interview. The interviewer tells him that they are looking to hire someone who is responsible. “Well, I’m your man,” the applicant replies. “At my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

* * *

“Bill,” a sad-faced man says to his coworker, “I just heard the news about your uncle falling off that cliff. I’m terribly sorry. Were the two of you close?”

“We were just close enough for me to push him,” Bill replies.

* * *

An office manager is interviewing an applicant. He asks the woman if she has any unusual talents. She says she’d actually won a few national crossword puzzle contests. “Sounds good,” the office manager replies, “but we want someone who will be just as intelligent during office hours.”

“Oh,” says the applicant. “That’s good because that’s when I do most of my puzzles.”

* * *

A boss shows one of his employees his new sports car. “That is amazing,” the employee responds.

“Isn’t it?” replies the boss. “And if you set your goals higher and work even harder this year, I can get an even better car next year.”

* * *

Why was the limbo dancer shocked when his wallet was stolen right out of his back pocket? Because he didn’t think anyone could stoop so low.

* * *

A struggling artist stops by the studio where his recent work is hanging for sale. The owner tells him he has good news and bad news.

“The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass away. I told him they would double, possibly triple, in value. So he bought them all.”

“Whoa!” exclaims the artist. “That’s fantastic. What could be the bad news?”

“The guy is your doctor,” the owner says.

* * *

A waiter returns to the table to ask the customer how his meal is so far. “How did you find your steak?” the waiter asks.

“I just pushed a ton of mashed potatoes to the side and there it was,” said the man.

“The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.”—SLAPPY WHITE

“This brand-new laptop will do half your job for you,” the IT guy explains to the senior vice president of the company.

“Perfect,” the vice president replies. “Can I get two then?”

* * *

On the last mission to the moon, NASA set up a restaurant. It didn’t last very long. The food was good, but there was no atmosphere.

* * *

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot-dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

* * *

A man is standing on a busy street corner with a placard over his chest for the local McDonald’s. On the front, in big bold letters, are the words Free Big Mac. A homeless man stumbles over and asks the man, “What is Mac serving time for?”

* * *

A dumb guy calls to yell at the pizza man at his local shop. “I got this pizza delivered and I specifically asked to have the pie cut into six slices. This pie is cut in eight slices!”

“What’s the big deal?” the pizza man wondered.

“There is no way I’ll be able to eat all these!” the man yelled.

* * *

What’s Forrest Gump’s e-mail password at work? 1forrest1

* * *

A customer asks to see the manager of the restaurant where he’s eating dinner. “This place is filthy,” the man says to the manager.

“That’s outrageous!” exclaims the manager. “You could eat your dinner off our dining room floor!”

“That’s my issue,” says the customer. “It looks like someone already has.”

“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.”—OSCAR WILDE

Three insurance salesmen are having drinks and boasting about each company’s service. The first one says, “When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”

The second one says, “When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in two hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening.”

The last salesman says, “That’s nothing. Our office is on the twentieth floor in the Sears Tower. One of our insured, who was washing a window on the eighty-fifth floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor.”

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”—CHARLIE MCCARTHY

A salesman is peddling his goods from door to door in a massive high-rise building. He knocks at a young man’s apartment and asks him, “Would you like to buy a top-of-the-line toothbrush? It’s only ten dollars.”

“Ten bucks for a toothbrush!” the man yells. “What moron would pay ten dollars for a toothbrush? You’re out of your mind.”

“All right then,” the salesman continues, “then how about a fresh-baked brownie for a dollar?” The man thinks it over and says, “Okay, why not?”

The salesman hands over the brownie. The man takes a bite and spits it out onto the floor in the hallway.

“My god, that tastes like crap!” he yells.

“Well, that’s because it is crap,” the salesman explains. “So can I interest you in a toothbrush?”

* * *

“I’ll take some pork chops,” the woman tells the butcher, “and make them lean.”

“No problem,” the butcher replies. “Which way?”

* * *

A music store was robbed last week. The robbers made off with the lute.

“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”—GEORGE CARLIN

A young man walks into a record store and asks the clerk, “Do you have anything by the Doors?”

“Sure,” replies the clerk, “a mop bucket and a fire extinguisher.”

* * *

A man goes back to a bookstore to complain about a recent purchase. “I bought this book last week called The Biggest Cowards in History, but the minute I opened the book, all of the pages fell out.” The sales clerk looks at the book and explains, “Well, that’s because it’s got no spine.”

* * *

Did you hear about the woman who was robbed by an unemployed acupuncturist? She was stabbed more than 167 times, but she felt awesome the next day.

* * *

Why did the masseuse have to close up his shop? He kept rubbing people the wrong way.

* * *

A store manager watches from a distance as a salesperson argues with a customer. After a few minutes, the customer storms out of the store.

“I saw what just happened,” the manager says, “and I guess you’ve forgotten my motto of ‘the customer is always right.’”

“I know,” the salesperson says, “but . . .”

“No buts,” says the manager. “The customer is always right.”

“Fine,” responds the salesperson.

“What were you two arguing about?” the manager asks.

The salesperson answers, “He called you an idiot.”

* * *

A man walks into a pet store, interested in a parrot. He notices a gorgeous bird with a red ribbon on its right ankle and a blue ribbon on the left ankle. The man asks the store owner about the ribbons.

“Oh, this is a specially trained parrot. If you tug on the red ribbon, the parrot will recite the Declaration of Independence. If you tug on the blue ribbon, he recites the Gettysburg Address.”

“That’s pretty awesome,” the man responds, “but what happens if you tug both at the same time?”

The parrot answers the man, “I’d fall off my perch, you moron.”

“I live in a two-income household . . . but who knows how long my mom can keep that up.”—SHMUEL BREBAN

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question about the city. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops the car inches before it crashes through the front of a store window. Both men sit completely silent until the driver turns and says, “Look man, don’t ever do that to me again. You scared the crap out of me!”

The passenger apologizes and says, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replies, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. Before this I drove a hearse.”

* * *

An admiral is staring off the deck of his battleship at the approaching enemy on the horizon.

“Fetch my red shirt,” the admiral says to his first officer. “If I’m wounded in battle, I don’t want the men to see I’m bleeding. It will kill morale.”

“But sir,” says the first officer, “there is a fleet of fifteen ships coming right for us.”

“Oh,” the admiral sighs. “Well, in that case go grab my brown pants.”

“Employees make the best dates; you don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax-deductible.”—ANDY WARHOL

A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour. He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!”

“Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”

* * *

A cop pulls over a woman going the wrong way down a one-way street.

“Where the heck do you think you’re going?” the cop asks.

“I don’t know, but I must be late because it looks like everyone is coming back.”

“Farming looks easy when your plow is a pencil and you’re a thousand miles from a cornfield.”—DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER

Did you hear about the woman who tried to make a career out of being a gold digger? It didn’t really pan out.

* * *

Did you hear about the man who got a job as a human cannonball? He was so excited he went ballistic.

* * *

How did the circus owner get so rich? He spent years paying his employees peanuts.

* * *

Why is it so hard for dwarves to get work? Employers don’t like paying people under the table.

* * *

Did you hear about the family that was so poor that a burglar broke into their home and all he got was practice?

“There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices . . . in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.”—STEVEN WRIGHT

A church puts an ad in the newspaper for a person to ring the bell in the belfry on Sunday mornings. No one applies for the position except for a young man with no arms. The church administrator isn’t sure he can handle the job, but the man climbs the tower and rings the bell using just his head. On his first Sunday on the job, the man gets a little too excited and hits the bell a little too hard with his melon. He falls from the belfry and lands on the church steps. Two parishioners late for services rush past him.

“Who was that guy?” the wife asks her husband as they enter the church.

“I’m not sure,” the husband replies, “but his face does ring a bell.”

* * *

Why did the weatherman take a leave of absence after breaking both arms and both legs? He would have trouble working with the four casts.

“I used to be a mime . . . but now I can talk about it . . . ”—STEWART FRANCIS

A college professor was very worried about his recent study on earthquakes. It turns out his findings were on shaky ground.

* * *

Elias Howe is credited with being the inventor of the zipper, but most of his friends called him the lord of the flies.

* * *

Why are photographers always so depressed? Because they don’t do anything all day but focus on the negatives.

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”—LILY TOMLIN

A man goes to get his haircut and the barber asks, “Should I cut the hair in back?”

The man replies, “What’s wrong with doing it right here in the chair?”

* * *

Did you hear that everyone at the mint went on strike? They wanted to make less money.

* * *

What did one geologist say to the other while they both stared down at a giant fissure in the rocks? “I wonder whose fault this is.”

* * *

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality. Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.

“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee.

“Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”

* * *

Who is constantly bossing around the office supplies? The ruler.

* * *

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw. He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, “Hey, do you see my ear down there?”

The guy on the street picks up an ear. “Is this it?”

“No,” replies the construction worker, “mine had a pencil behind it.”

* * *

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”

The woman says, “Just wait and see.”

She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”

The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”

The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”

The man says, “I’m going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?”

* * *

A young man is fired from his job after asking customers if they wanted “smoking or nonsmoking.” He was fired because the correct terminology in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial.”

* * *

Unable to read the name on the label of a package, a postman decides that the weight of the box and the words left on the ripped label mean the package is for the local book shop. “I’ve got a package that I think is for you,” the mailman tells the store owner.

“Well, what’s the name on the label?” the store owner asks.

“That’s the problem. It’s obliterated.”

“Well, it can’t be for me,” the store owner answers. “My name is John.”

“I’ll never forget the time they gave me a farewell party at work. I was so surprised—I didn’t even know I was fired.”—PAUL DILLERY

A tour guide is leading a group through a museum in London. “This mummy here is over 5,000 years old,” the guide told the group. “It’s possible that Moses saw it.”

A tourist raises her hand and asks, “When was Moses ever in London?”

“No man goes before his time . . . unless the boss leaves early.”—GROUCHO MARX

Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill. The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

* * *

Did you hear about the painter who kept getting fired for dropping things on people? He couldn’t hold his lacquer.

* * *

Did you hear about the farmer who won an award from the U.S. Department of Agriculture? He was outstanding in his field.

* * *

Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

* * *

A client receives his bill from his lawyer in the mail. He’s livid at the amount and calls the lawyer to berate him for charging such ridiculous fees. The lawyer listens for a moment before stopping the client midsentence.

“You know,” the lawyer says, “you’re being a real jerk about this and I’m beginning to regret naming my first boat after you.”

* * *

A very successful lawyer buys a new Ferrari. He parks in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too close and completely tears the door off of the driver’s side. The counselor immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up to take a report. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically. His Ferrari, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally winds down from his ranting and raving, the officer shakes his head in disgust.

“I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he says. “All you care about is money and your possessions.”

The lawyer unleashes a stream of obscenities before the officer can calm him down. “Hear me out . . . see, you are so worried about your car, you didn’t even notice that the accident took off your left arm.”

“Oh my god!” screams the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?”