Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
* * *
Yesterday I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail.
* * *
A man opened his fridge and swore he heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song. After closer inspection, he realized it was just chives talking.
* * *
How do you wake Lady Gaga up from a nap? Poker face.
* * *
If God is love, and love is blind, then doesn’t that make Stevie Wonder God?
* * *
Kanye West compares himself to Michelangelo, Picasso, Walt Disney, and Steve Jobs. Apparently none of them could sing, either.
“Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.”—MARILYN MONROE
Did you know Dolly Parton was once a schoolteacher? She loved the kids, but her biggest problem was after she wrote something on the blackboard, she’d turn around and accidentally wipe it off.
* * *
How did Michael Jackson pick his nose? Usually from a catalog.
* * *
A woman is reading the newspaper while her husband is watching television next to her on the couch. Suddenly, she bursts out laughing.
“Listen to this story,” she says. “A man put out a classified ad and he’s offering to swap his wife for season tickets to the Red Sox.”
“Wow,” her husband says, not looking away from the television.
She begins to tease him and asks, “Would you swap me for season tickets?”
“Absolutely not,” he answers without giving it a second thought.
“How sweet,” she says, hugging him close.
“I mean,” he continues, “the season is almost half over now.”
* * *
Did you hear the bad news about the Sylvester Stallone marathon? It got off to a Rocky start.
* * *
A woman is eating lunch at a Los Angeles restaurant when she bumps into her favorite movie star in the ladies’ room. Constantly in trouble with drugs and the police, the star mentions to the fan that she was already writing her memoir. “Some of these stories are so crazy,” she admits, “the publisher is considering holding the book until I pass away.”
“Wow,” the fan replies, “so I guess it will be on shelves in a couple months?”
* * *
A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.
“How’s it going?” the agent asks.
“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”
“Two?” the agent replies.
“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”
“You know, let’s put it this way, if all the people in Hollywood who have had plastic surgery, if they went on vacation, there wouldn’t be a person left in town.”—MICHAEL JACKSON
At the movie theater, a girl returning to her seat taps the shoulder of the man in the last seat in the row.
“Excuse me,” she says, “but did I step on your toe on the way to the bathroom?”
“As a matter of fact, you did,” says the man, expecting an apology.
“Oh good,” says the girl, “then this is my row.”
* * *
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
* * *
Did you hear about the tragedy involving the U.S. Synchronized Swimming Team? The captain had a heart attack in the water and drowned and the rest of team really didn’t have a choice.
* * *
A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”
* * *
A soccer hooligan appears before a judge. He is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.
“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.
“Stones, sir,” the officer replies.
The judge is confused. “Well, that’s hardly an offense, officer.”
“It was in this case, sir,” the officer explains. “Stones was the name of the referee.”
“Golf is a good walk spoiled.”—MARK TWAIN
A frantic father calls the family doctor on the phone. “Doc, you’ve got to come quick! My three-year-old son just swallowed all of my golf tees.”
“All right, stay calm,” the doctor tells the father. “I’ll be over in ten minutes.”
“What should I do in the meantime?” the father asks.
The doctor answers, “I guess you could practice your putting.”
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”—MUHAMMAD ALI
Todd took a week off from the office. He booked a vacation to go skiing. Before his first trip down the mountain, he heard an unbelievable rumble, and before he could move he was covered in snow. He found shelter in a small cave and was able to start a fire and make himself comfortable until help arrived. After a few hours, there was a digging at the front of the cave.
“Who’s there?” Todd called out from inside the cave.
“Hello!” a voice called. “It’s the Red Cross!”
“Beat it!” Todd yelled back. “I already donated twice this year.”
“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”—RODNEY DANGERFIELD
The owner of a racehorse is angry because the horse he paid so much money for has yet to win a race.
“Listen to me,” the man says, grabbing the horse by the harness. “You’d better win this race or you’ll be working the farm tomorrow.”
The horses line up in the gates, the starting gun sounds, and the gate is removed. All of the horses take off for the finish line, except the owner’s horse. He is fast asleep in his starting pen.
“What the heck do you think you’re doing?” the owner yells at the horse.
“I’m grabbing some rest,” says the horse. “I’ve got to work the farm early tomorrow morning.”
* * *
What time does Serena Williams go to bed? Tennish.
* * *
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
* * *
A goalkeeper hosted a celebratory dinner at his house after his team won the league championship. Before dinner, he asked the coach to say grace. The coach concluded his prayer by saying, “We ask that you bless this food in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the goalie host.”
* * *
Old man Morty is telling his grandson about his days as a prize fighter. “Then there was the match against Hammerhands Callahan,” Morty begins. “It was quite a bout. By the third round, I had him nervous.”
“Really?” his grandson asks excitedly.
“Yup,” Morty replies, “he was pretty nervous he was going to kill me.”
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.”—SHAQUILLE O’NEAL
A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel and are standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager comes out of the office and asks them to disperse.
“But why?” they ask, as they move off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
* * *
The hardest part about water polo is keeping the horse from drowning.
* * *
Football is a game played by incredibly fit men who run around for three hours for the amusement of millions of out-of-shape fans.
“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”—DAVE BARRY
While sitting on the deck of the course bar after a round of golf, Bill is hit in the head with an errant drive. By the time the offending golfer finds him, Bill is already angry and holding an ice pack to his head.
“I’m so sorry!” the golfer says. “It just got away from me!”
“You’ll be more than sorry!” Bill yells. “I’m going to sue you for $5 million for your carelessness.”
“I yelled ‘fore,’” the golfer explains.
“Fine,” Bill answered. “I’ll take four.”
* * *
A skydiving student is being instructed on how to open his chute. “You count to ten out loud,” the instructor said, “and then pull the rip cord.” The student asks, “W-w-w-w-w-h-h-a-t w-w-w-w-w-a-s that that that num-num-number a-a-a-gain?”
The instructor replies, “Two.”
* * *
The Olympics this year featured a representative from each of two hundred different countries. One more representative and they’ll match the number in the Pitt-Jolie family.
“There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”—STEVEN WRIGHT
A golfer sets his ball on the tee and lines up his shot. He takes a massive swing and puts the ball into a huge forest of trees along the fairway. He finds his ball and sees an opening he thinks he could sneak the ball through. Taking out his three wood, the golfer takes another mighty swing. The ball bounces off a tree and fires back at him, nailing him in the forehead and killing him instantly. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and asks how his golf game had been progressing.
The golfer said to St. Peter confidently, “Got up here in two, didn’t I?”
* * *
Two golfers are starting a round. “That’s a weird-looking ball you’re using. What kind is it?”
“Oh, it’s awesome,” the second golfer exclaims. “It’s a completely unlosable ball! If it goes into the bushes, the ball lights up. If it lands in a water hazard, it floats to the surface. If it’s dark out, it emits a beeping sound until you find it. The ball is sensational.”
“Wow, that’s amazing,” says the first golfer. “Where did you get it?”
“Last time I golfed,” reveals the second golfer, “I found it in the woods.”
“Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.”—DAVE BARRY
An old man and his wife are in bed. After lying silently for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “Seven points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”
The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”
A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown! I’m winning 14 to 7!”
Furious about losing, the wife rips another fart and yells out, “The score is tied!”
The pressure is on and the old man refuses to lose. He strains incredibly hard, but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed. The wife hears the noise and asks, “What in the world was that noise?”
The old man replies, “That’s the whistle for halftime. Switch sides.”
* * *
Two men go hunting in the forest. They are walking along with their guns and enjoying the outdoors when one man suddenly collapses. His friend grabs him to see what’s wrong, but he won’t move. He knows something is wrong and calls 911. The man shouts frantically into the phone, “My buddy just collapsed! He isn’t moving and I think he’s dead! What do I do?”
“Well first,” the 911 operator replies calmly, “you need to make sure he is actually dead.”
The operator hears the man leave the phone for a moment. She hears footsteps followed by a moment of silence and then a loud bang.
The friend returns to the phone. “Okay, he’s dead, now what?”
* * *
A golfer is having a horrible day on the course. After another shot into the woods, he says aloud, “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
His caddy puts the club back into his bag and says, “Try just heaven, because you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
“Wrestling is ballet with violence.”—JESSE VENTURA
A San Francisco Giants fan, a San Diego Padres fan, and a Los Angeles Dodgers fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about which one loves his team more. The Padres fan insists he’s the most loyal.
“This is for San Diego!” he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team.
He yells, “This is for San Francisco!” and pushes the Dodgers fan off the mountain.
* * *
Two old men are in the middle of an intense chess match. In the middle of player one’s next move, player two lets out a loud sneeze.
“God bless you,” player one says.
Player two snaps back, “Did you come here to talk or did you come here to play?”
* * *
Two guys are playing golf. Two women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up.
One man says to his friend, “I’m gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through.”
He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.
He replies, “One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Will you go talk to them?”
So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks, “Now what happened?”
To this he replies, “Small world.”
* * *
A skydiving instructor is answering questions for his beginner’s class.
“So if my parachute doesn’t open,” a student asks, “and my reserve chute doesn’t work, how long have I got until I hit the ground?”
The instructor tells the man, “You’ve got the rest of your life.”
* * *
A rookie pitcher is struggling on the mound, so the catcher walks up to have a quick talk with him.
“I think I’ve figured out your problem,” the catcher tells the shaky southpaw. “You always lose control at exactly the same point in every game.”
The pitcher feels a little relieved, thinking he has the answer to his issue.
“When do I usually lose my control?” he asks his battery mate.
“It’s usually,” the catcher admits, “right after the national anthem.”
“I’ve always been famous, it’s just no one knew it yet.”—LADY GAGA
After years of gambling, an unlucky gambler finally figures out the way to leave Las Vegas with a small fortune. He goes to Las Vegas with a large fortune.
* * *
What do you call a person who pretends to be a college student? A college athlete.
* * *
Tom and Clark are standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break when Clark says, “Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?”
“Get outta here,” says Tom.
“I’m serious. Watch me,” Clark says. Clark hops off the building, and sure enough, he is taken in by the draft to the third-floor window. He takes the elevator back to the top and Tom is standing there in awe.
“I can’t believe it,” says Tom.
“I know. You should try it.”
So Tom hops off and plunges into the ground.
A doorman working below sees Tom splat to the ground and screams back up, “Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”
“Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.”—PHYLLIS DILLER
Why don’t Batman and Robin go fishing anymore? Robin always eats the worms.
* * *
How do you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach? You look for the sesame seed buns!
* * *
Did you hear O.J. Simpson is doing stand-up in jail? He kills.
* * *
Strip poker is the only game where the more you lose, the more you have to show for it.
* * *
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awakens and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replies, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes ponders for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes is silent for a minute, then says, “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”
“Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands.”—CRAIG FERGUSON