Love and Marriage: Jokes for married folks

Why do peppers make bad girlfriends? Because they are constantly jalapeño business.

* * *

After traveling on business, Tim thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.

“That’s a bit much,” says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complains. Growing annoyed, the clerk brings out a tiny fifteen-dollar bottle.

“What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.” So the clerk handed him a mirror.

“Marriage is the death of hope.”—WOODY ALLEN

A police officer finds a young couple messing around in their parked car. The officer shines his light into the window. The young man jumps out of the car and claims, “Honest, officer, we weren’t doing anything.”

“In that case,” the officer replies, “let me inside and you come here and hold the flashlight.”

“Lately, I think that my wife has been fooling around because our parrot keeps saying, ‘Give it to me hard and fast before my husband, Jon Katz, comes home; and, yes, I’d love a cracker.’”—JONATHAN KATZ

While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several gorgeous nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them.

“Oh, nothing,” she says with a chuckle. “We just use it to keep the doctors away.”

* * *

A man cheats on his girlfriend, Lorraine, with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine dies. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings loudly, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

* * *

Never date a radiologist. She’ll see right through you.

* * *

What was Adam and Eve’s biggest problem during their marriage? They could never agree on who wore the plants in the family.

* * *

A woman is having lunch in a Los Angeles cafe when a man approaches her table. “Excuse me, miss,” the man says, “my wife and I are visiting from out of town. She loves your sandals. She wanted me to come over and ask if you bought those sandals around here.”

“Actually,” the woman responds, “I got them in a shop just about a block from here.”

“Fantastic,” the man responds, “and if I may ask, how much did you pay for them?”

“I paid $250,” she admits.

“Thank you,” the man responds. He walks away and yells to his wife, “She got them in New York!”

* * *

A husband and wife are in line at the grocery store. The clerk asks if they have a preferred shopper’s card.

“Yes,” says the wife, “but I left it at home.”

The clerk says they could look it up by birthday. The woman gives her birthday, but they can’t find her card in the system. After a few more tries, they ask her more information, until her account finally comes up on the computer.

“I think I see the issue,” the clerk said. “Someone put your birthday in the system as 6/24/1899.”

“Obviously, that’s wrong,” the woman says.

The husband finally breaks his silence and adds, “She was born in September of that year, not June.”

“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”—GROUCHO MARX

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.

“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

“My toughest fight was with my first wife.”—MUHAMMAD ALI

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”

The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

* * *

A wife goes to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband is missing. The policeman asks for a description. She says, “He’s thirty-five years old, six foot four, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

The next-door neighbor protests, “Your husband is five foot four, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”

The wife replies, “Yes, but who wants him back?”

* * *

Early in the morning, a wife turns over to find her husband wide awake in bed.

“Are you okay?” the wife asks.

“I guess,” he replies.

“I’m asking because you spent the entire night cursing me in your sleep.”

The man replies, “Who said I was asleep?”

“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”—CYNTHIA HEIMEL

A drunk husband wakes up from another all-night bender and stumbles into the kitchen.

“I’m guessing you feel awful again this morning,” his wife snaps.

“Actually, I feel good,” the husband responds. “I slept like a log.”

“You didn’t even come to bed,” the wife answers.

“I know,” he answers. “I passed out in the fireplace.”

* * *

Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”

The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

* * *

A husband and wife are sitting at a table at her twentieth high-school reunion. There is an incredibly drunk man slumped over at the table across from them.

“Do you know that guy?” the husband asks.

“Yes,” the wife replies somberly. “That’s my ex-boyfriend. He started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober since.”

“Good God,” the husband replies. “Who knew it was possible to celebrate for that long?”

“If you talk about yourself, he’ll think you’re boring; if you talk about others, he’ll think you’re a gossip; if you talk about him, he’ll think you’re a brilliant conversationalist.”—LINDA SUNSHINE

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

* * *

Two men are sitting in a sauna after a workout. “I’ll be honest, my wife really is an angel.”

“You’re lucky,” the second man answers, wiping the sweat from his brow. “My wife is still alive.”

“When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face; that’s the price she has to pay.”—GROUCHO MARX

“I can’t believe you’re sleeping with my best friend!” a husband yells at his wife while packing up his belongings.

“Does the fact that he finds me attractive really surprise you?” the wife asks.

“Yes,” the man replies, “especially after everything I’ve told him!”

* * *

“It’s really hot outside,” a husband tells his wife, staring out the front window. “What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?” he asks jokingly.

The wife replies without looking up from the morning paper, “They’ll probably think I married you for the money.”

“Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.”—MARILYN MONROE

A husband is late coming home one night and isn’t answering his cell phone. His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.

“Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just got in a car crash or something.”

* * *

The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.

“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”

“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”

“Not really,” the man says. “It stands for Keep It Short, Stupid.”

* * *

A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going.

“I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response.

“A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?”

“My wife,” the drunk man answers.

* * *

Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks. Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”

His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”

“Oh, it will,” Matt responds, “and it does.”

The next morning his wife wakes up to find a bathroom scale in the driveway.

“My mother always said don’t marry for money, divorce for money.”—WENDY LIEBMAN

An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”

The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”

While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls. The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out. The father looks at his son excitedly and says, “Go get your mother.”

* * *

A woman calls her husband at work to share some news. “I’m kind of busy right now, babe, can’t it wait until I get home?”

“Not really,” she replies. “I’ve just got to share some good news and some bad news.”

“All right,” he replies, playing along. “I’m in a rush, so just give me the good news.”

“Well,” she sighs, “the good news is that the airbags on the car work correctly.”

* * *

A husband and wife celebrate being married for fifty years and never getting into an argument. The husband asks his wife, “How did you make it through all those years without getting into an argument?”

The old woman says every time she got mad at her husband, she would sew a doily, and it would calm her down. The next day, the husband and wife are cleaning out a closet and the husband finds a box with one doily and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He is excited to find the money, but also happy that after all these years, his wife has only gotten mad at him one time.

He asks his wife about the contents of the box. She says, “Well, the doily is from just last week, when you forgot to pick me up from the doctor’s office, and the money is from the past fifty years of selling doilies.”

“I never mind my wife having the last word; in fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.”—WALTER MATTHAU

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all. He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming home before him.

At last he decides to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again, and another right and so on until he reaches what he thinks is a perfect spot and drops the cat there. Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asks her, “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes, why do you ask?” answers the wife.

Frustrated, the man says, “Put that cat on the phone. I’m lost and I need directions.”

* * *

A married couple looks over the side of a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns. The guy says, “Wow, it really works.”

* * *

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”

The waiter answers, “He’s upstairs with my wife.”

Confused, the man asks, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

The waiter smiles and says, “The same thing I’m doing down here to his business.”

“I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.”—JIMMY CARTER

A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.” The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.” The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train.”

The man says, “I know, but she has a good personality.”

* * *

After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, he embraces and kisses her long and passionately as her husband watches with a raised eyebrow. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down as though in a daze. The therapist turns to the husband and says, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

* * *

A very elderly couple is celebrating their seventy-fifth wedding anniversary. The man says to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never looked quite like the rest. Now, I want to assure you that these seventy-five years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, and then confesses. “Yes, he did.”

The old man is very shaken, the reality hitting him harder than he expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally she says to her husband, “You.”

* * *

An old man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” No response. He moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again—no response. Five feet, no answer. Finally, he stands directly behind her and asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?”

She says, “For the fourth time, I said chicken!”

“Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.”—MARY BUCKLEY

A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order. “I’ll have your biggest, juiciest steak,” says the husband.

“But sir, what about the mad cow?” asks the waiter.

“Oh,” says the husband, “she’ll order for herself.”

* * *

A man is on a cross-country trip when he picks up a hitchhiker. During a lull in the conversation, the hitchhiker notices a brown paper bag resting in the center console. The driver notices his glance and says, “That’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.”

The hitchhiker replies, “That’s a pretty good trade.”

“When I meet a man I ask myself, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’”—RITA RUDNER

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”

“Oh yes, great! I think I really impressed the boss. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”

“Oh, no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box.”

* * *

What do you call a man who has lost 90 percent of his intelligence? Divorced.

* * *

Real men wear pink because that’s what their wives bought.

* * *

A man goes away on business. He e-mails his wife from the road and says he’ll be home that night because the trip wrapped up earlier than expected. When he gets home, he walks into the bedroom to find his wife in bed with another man. Without a word, the husband leaves the room and goes down to the local bar. He explains the whole situation to the bartender.

“Well, why don’t you call her and talk to her? Maybe there is an explanation for all of this.”

The man picks up his cell phone and calls his house. His wife answers and before she can say a word he yells, “Why did I come home to find you in bed with another man?” The wife calmly responds, “Because I just got around to checking my e-mail.”

“Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.”—SHELLEY WINTERS

A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband.

“Do I look fat in this dress?” the wife asked.

“Do I look dumb in this shirt?” the husband replied.

* * *

A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot. She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, “I’ll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language.”

The woman says, “Oh, that’s okay.” She buys the parrot and takes it home.

When she takes the towel off its cage, the parrot looks at her and says, “Awk. New madam. Hello madam.”

A few hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters come home from school. The parrot looks at them and says, “Awk. New girls. Hello girls.”

A couple hours after that, the woman’s husband Phil comes home from work. The parrot looks at him and says, “Awk. Hi Phil.”