Jokes for all occasions: puns

“What is your name?” demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Municipal Court.

“Locke Smith,” was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door.

He was seized by an officer and hauled back.

“Ten dollars or ten days,” said the magistrate.

“I’ll take the ten dollars,” announced the prisoner.

Finally, he paid the fine, but he added explicit information as to his opinion of the judge. Then he leaped for the door again, only to be caught and brought back a second time.

The judge, after fining the prisoner another ten dollars, admonished him severely, in these words:

“If your language had been more chaste and refined, you would not have been chased and refined.”

* * *

A member of the Lambs’ Club had a reputation for lack of hospitality in the matter of buying drinks for others. On one occasion, two actors entered the bar, and found this fellow alone at the rail. They invited him to drink, and, as he accepted, he announced proudly:

“I’m writing my autobiography.”

“With the accent on the ‘bi’?” One of the newcomers suggested sarcastically.

“No,” his friend corrected, “with the accent on the ‘auto’.”

* * *

The stallion that had been driven in from the plains was a magnificent creature, but so fierce that no man dared approach closely. Then the amiable lunatic appeared on the scene. He took a halter, and went toward the dangerous beast. And as he went, he muttered softly:

“So, bossy; so bossy; so bossy.”

The stallion stood quietly and allowed the halter to be slipped over his head without offering any resistance.

The horse was cowed.

* * *

When Mr. Choate was ambassador to the Court of St. James, he was present at a function where his plain evening dress contrasted sharply with the uniforms of the other men. At a late hour, an Austrian diplomat approach him, as he stood near the door, obviously taking him for a servant, and said:

“Call me a cab.”

Choate answered affably:

“You’re a cab, sir.”

The diplomat indignantly went to the host and explained that a servant had insulted him. He pointed to Choate. Explanations ensued, and the diplomat was introduced to the American, to whom he apologized.

“That’s all right,” declared Choate, smiling. “If you had been better-looking, I’d have called you a hansom cab.”