Oldest Inhabitant: “I never expected to live till the end of the War, Ma’am; but now I’m hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next one.”
* * *
“That’s Betty Grant’s new maid.”
“She’s much smarter than her mistress.”
“Well, they can’t both afford to dress like that.”
* * *
Father: “Don’t know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse for years!”
Hopeful: “But, Dad, we hadn’t got a cat when Adele was with us.”
* * *
Betty (after flash of lightning): “Count quickly, Jenny! Make it as far away as you possibly can.”
* * *
Employer: “John, I wish you wouldn’t whistle at your work.”
Boy: “I wasn’t working, Sir; only whistling.”
* * *
Mistress: “Oh, Jane, how did you break that vase?”
Maid: “I’m very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting.”
* * *
Little Girl (in foreground): “Mother, I suppose the bridegroom must come to his wedding.”
* * *
Mistress: “I hope you’re doing what you can to economise the food.”
Cook: “Oh, yes’m. We’ve put the cat on milk-an’-water.”
* * *
Raw Hand (at sea for first time and observing steamer’s red and green lights): “‘Ere’s some lights on the starboard side, Sir.”
Officer: “Well, what is it?”
R. H.: “Looks to me like a drug store, Sir.”
* * *
“Can you play bridge to-night?”
“Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner.”
“What—do you like the stuff?”
“Frankly, no; but I’ve heard on the best authority that his music’s very much better than it sounds.”
* * *
Master: “But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia. Surely, you’ve heard me again and again say ‘pneumonia’?”
Man: “Well, Sir, I ‘ave; but I didn’t like to correct you.”
* * *
Successful Poultry Farmer: “You’d be surprised what a difference these incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every week.”
Champion Dog Breeder: “Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find names for them all?”
* * *
Small Boy (who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow): “I hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had.”
* * *
Mother: “Oh, Mary, why do you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand?”
Mary: “‘Cos it’s so much cleaner than the front.”
* * *
Mother (to child who has been naughty): “Aren’t you rather ashamed of yourself?”
Child: “Well, Mother, I wasn’t. But now that you’ve suggested it I am.”