Ho-ho-ho-liday: Jokes for special occasions

The worst thing about office holiday parties is having to spend the entire day after looking for a new job.

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Did you hear about the Advent calendar that passed away? Its days were numbered.

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What do you call an elf that lives in Beverly Hills? Welfy.

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”—JOAN RIVERS

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit. “What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.

“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”

“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”

The prosecutor replied, “He was doing his shopping before the stores were open.”

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A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box. The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.

“What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up—they have no holidays.”—HENNY YOUNGMAN

During the rush of the holiday season, Sarah completely forgot to mail a Christmas card to her best friend. She hurries into the post office with a card and asks the postal service worker for a first-class stamp.

“Do I have to put this stamp on myself?” she asks.

“No,” the postal employee replies. “You can put it right on the envelope.”

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A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Hanukkah. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

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There are four stages of life that involve Santa Claus—first you believe in Santa Claus, then you stop believing in Santa Claus, then you become Santa Claus to your family, and then you look like Santa Claus.

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A couple are Christmas shopping. The shopping center is packed, and as the wife walks through one of the stores, she is surprised when she looks around to find that her husband is nowhere to be seen. She is quite upset because they had a lot to do. She becomes so worried that she calls him to ask where he is. In a quiet voice he says, “Do you remember the jeweler’s we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”

The wife gets choked up and starts to cry and says, “Yes, I do remember that shop.”

He replies, “Well, I’m in the pub next door.”

“Santa Claus has the right idea—visit people only once a year.”—VICTOR BORGE

What is the most popular Christmas wine? “This isn’t what I asked for!”

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Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because the poor fella had low elf esteem.

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What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” —GARRISON KEILLOR

Why is Christmas just like a day at work? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

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On Christmas morning a woman tells her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he says. That evening just before opening presents, the husband comes home with a small package and gives it to his wife. Delighted, she opens it only to find a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”—SHIRLEY TEMPLE

Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbors’ windows, a child asks his father, “Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah tree?”

“What? No, of course not,” says his father.

“Why not?” asks the child again.

Bewildered, his father replies, “Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent forty years wandering the desert.”

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The mall Santa had many children asking for electric trains. “If you get a train,” he tells each one, “you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?” After he asks that question of little Tommy, the boy becomes very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, Santa asks what else he would like Santa to bring him. The boy promptly replies, “Another train.”

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”—DAVE BARRY

On the first day of Hanukkah, a grandmother is giving her grandson directions to her apartment. He is coming to visit with his new wife.

“You come to the front door of the condominium complex. I am in apartment 2B. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 2B. I’ll buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Hit the up button with your elbow, get in, and with your other elbow hit the number two. When you exit the elevator, I’m the second door on the right. Ring my doorbell with your elbow and I’ll let you in.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy,” replies the grandson. “But why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

His grandmother answers, “You’re coming to visit empty-handed?”

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A woman goes to the post office for stamps for Hanukkah cards. She asks the cashier for stamps and the cashier replies, “What denomination?” The woman thinks for a moment and responds, “I’ll take six Orthodox, twelve Conservative, and thirty-two Reform, please.”

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A son is visiting his mother the week after Hanukkah wearing one of the two sweaters she’d given him as a gift for the holiday. As he walks into her house, instead of saying hello, the mother says, “What’s wrong? You didn’t like the other sweater I got you?”

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”—JERRY SEINFELD

A man wants Valentine’s Day to be special, so he buys a bottle of absinthe and stops by the florist’s to order a bouquet of his wife’s favorite flower: white anemones. Unfortunately, the florist is sold out of flowers and has only a few stems of feathery ferns. The man asks the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He adds a card and proceeds home. After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presents his wife with the gift. She opens the card to read, “Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.”

With a tear in her eye, she whispers to him lovingly, “Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones?”

“Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.”—LEWIS BLACK

A young man is waiting in line at a post office when he notices an older man in the corner of the office, licking stamps that say Loveon them and putting them on bright pink envelopes. The man then takes a bottle of perfume from his jacket pocket and sprays the envelopes. Curiosity gets the better of the young man, so he walks over and asks the older man what he is doing. “I’m sending out five hundred Valentine’s cards with the phrase ‘Guess Who?’ written inside.”

“Why?” the young man asks.

The man smiles and says, “Because I’m a divorce lawyer.”

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Two antennae met on a roof on Valentine’s Day. They fell in love and got married. Their wedding ceremony wasn’t anything fancy, but the reception was awesome.

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What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day? Hogs and kisses.

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What is the difference between a calendar and you? A calendar has a date on Valentine’s day.

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What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A hug and a quiche.

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Did you know Valentine’s Day is a huge holiday for skunks? They are all very scent-imental.

“It goes Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day. Is that fair to anyone who’s alone? These are all days you gotta be with someone. And if you didn’t get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year’s, boom! There’s Valentine’s Day. I think there should be one more after Valentine’s Day just called, ‘Who could love you?’”—LAURA KIGHTLINGER

Why do leprechauns make great secretaries? They’ve got great short hand.

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What type of lawn furniture is only used on St. Patrick’s Day? Paddy O’Furniture.

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Why is it always a bad idea to iron a four-leaf clover? Because you should never press your luck.

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A priest is driving home from the bar on St. Patrick’s Day. He mistakenly takes an empty bottle of wine with him and tosses it onto the floor on the passenger side of the car. He’s pulled over by a cop, who smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and spots the empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. The cop asks the priest, “Father, have you been drinking tonight?”

“No sir, nothing but water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest thinks for a moment and exclaims, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

“St. Patrick—one of the few saints whose feast day presents the opportunity to get determinedly whacked and make a fool of oneself all under the guise of acting Irish.”—CHARLES M. MADIGAN

Why is it difficult to borrow money from a leprechaun? Because he’s always a little short.

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Two friends are talking on the day after St. Patrick’s Day. “I had a crazy night,” the first friend says. “I got really drunk at the bar and, you’re never going to believe this, I took a bus home.”

“How’s that a big deal?” his friend asks.

“Well,” the first friend explains, “up until yesterday I’d never driven a bus before.”

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Why doesn’t a woman ever want to get engaged on St. Patrick’s Day? She doesn’t want to get a sham rock.

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A small-business owner is distraught when two new big-box stores, carrying the exact same products as his store, open on either side of his business. To make matters worse, the store on his left puts a sign on its building that reads Best Black Friday Deals. The competitor on his right hangs an even larger sign that reads Lowest Black Friday Prices Around. The small-business owner panics until he gets a brilliant idea. He puts a sign, larger than both, above the door of his store that reads Black Friday Deals—Main Entrance.

“Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief! It’s insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his nose into it!”—LEWIS BLACK

Why do turkeys gobble? Because they never learned table manners.

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What’s a Thanksgiving turkey’s favorite type of doll? Gobble-heads.

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Why is soup on Thanksgiving always more expensive? It’s got a ton of carrots.

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If Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their age.

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What holiday do vampires celebrate every November? Fangs-giving.

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”—JON STEWART

What happened to the Easter Bunny who misbehaved in school? He was immediately eggspelled.

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Why do people paint Easter eggs? It’s much easier than wallpapering them.

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A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass. The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner.

The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”

The pastor questions, “Then how come I don’t see you in church except at Christmas and Easter?”

The parishioner whispers, “I’m in the secret service.”

“Happy Easter everyone! Jesus dies, comes back from the dead—and we get chocolate eggs. It’s like turn-down service from God.”—DENIS LEARY

A young boy is sitting in his grandmother’s kitchen, watching her prepare Thanksgiving dinner. “What are you doing to the turkey?” the boy asks his grandmother. “Oh, I’m just stuffing the bird,” his grandmother replies. “Wow, that’s cool,” the boy remarks. “Are you going to hang it in the living room next to the deer head?”

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A woman is looking for a Thanksgiving turkey, but can’t find a bird big enough to feed her massive family. She asks the stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replies, “No, they’ve stopped growing, ma’am. Those turkeys are dead.”

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What should you do the moment you realize your house is surrounded by zombies? Pray that it’s Halloween.

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Why was the student vampire tired in the morning? Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!

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How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire? “So long, sucker!”

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What’s the problem with jogging on New Year’s Eve? The ice falls out of your drink!

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What do you call always having a date for New Year’s Eve? Social security.

“The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.”—P.J. O’ROURKE

At a New Year’s Eve party, a woman stands up on the bar and announces that it is almost midnight. She says that at midnight, she wants every husband to stand next to the one person who makes his life worth living. As the clock strikes twelve, the bartender is almost crushed to death.