Four-Legged Funnies: Jokes about animals and pets

A man angrily knocks on the door of a house. The homeowner answers and the man begins shouting, “Your dog jumped the fence, chased me on a bicycle, and bit my leg!”

The homeowner looks at the man and said, “That’s impossible. My dog has no idea how to ride a bike.”

“I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say ‘I’m hungry,’ and so it died.”—MITCH HEDBERG

There was a father mole, a mother mole, and a baby mole that lived in a hole out in the country not far from a farmhouse. One morning, the father mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I think I smell sausage cooking!”

The mother mole pushed the father mole aside, poked her head outside the hole, and said, “Mmmm, I think I smell pancakes!”

The baby mole tried to push aside the two bigger moles to stick his head outside the hole, but couldn’t, because he was so much smaller.

Frustrated, the baby mole said out loud, “The only thing I smell is molasses.”

* * *

A pig walks into a bar, orders twenty beers, and starts chugging them all one by one. “That’s impressive,” says the bartender. “Want to know where the bathroom is?”

The pig replies, “No thanks, pal. I’m just going to go wee wee wee all the way home.”

* * *

How does an octopus go to war? Very well armed.

* * *

Why was the duck arrested? He was suspected of selling quack.

* * *

Did you hear about the breakdancing goldfish? He could only do it for about twenty seconds.

* * *

What did the father buffalo say to his kid before leaving for work every morning? Bison.

* * *

Two roaches are munching on garbage in an alley when one starts a discussion about a new restaurant.

“I was in that new restaurant across the street,” says one. “It’s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere—it’s so sanitary that the whole place shines.”

“Please,” says the other roach, frowning. “Not while I’m eating!”

* * *

Two flies land on a pile of manure. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, “Hey do you mind? I’m eating here.”

* * *

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shih tzu.

“To err is human; to purr, feline.” —ROBERT BYRNE

Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, the host says, “Sorry, no pets allowed.”

“Can’t you see?” says Jim. “I am blind. This is my Seeing Eye dog.”

“But it’s a Doberman pinscher. Who uses a Doberman pinscher as a Seeing Eye dog?” the host asks.

“Oh,” Jim responds, “you must not have heard. This is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog. They do a very good job.”

Seeing that it worked, John tries walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he can open his mouth, the host says, “Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog.”

John responds angrily, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

“A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.”—SOLOMON SHORT

A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing.

“It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.”

The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up.

“They’re fine,” the snake answers. “But now I’m being treated for depression.”

“Depression?” the doctor asks.

“Yeah, my eyesight cleared up, but it made me realize I’ve been dating a garden hose.”

* * *

A mother bunny was shopping with her little bunny when finally she had enough of the little bunny’s question. “A magician pulled you out of a hat! Now stop asking!”

* * *

Two ducks are having an affair. They rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.

“Got it,” says the front desk, “and would you like these on your bill?”

“Of course not,” the duck says. “I’d suffocate.”

“We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet—so we bought a dog; well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.”—RITA RUDNER

Why don’t blind people skydive? It scares the crap out of the dog.

* * *

Two cows are sitting in the field when one says, “Hey man, I’ve been hearing of bad stuff lately. Are you worried about this ‘mad cow disease’?”

The other cow starts to spin around with his hooves extended out and says, “Not me, pal. I’m a helicopter.”

* * *

A lady was expecting the plumber. He was scheduled to come at 10 A.M. Ten o’clock came and went with no plumber. She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”

He replied, “It’s the plumber.”

He thought it was the lady who’d said, “Who is it?” and waited for her to come and let him in.

When this didn’t happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”

He said, “It’s the plumber!” He waited, and again the lady didn’t come to let him in.

He knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”

He said, “It’s the plumber!”

Again he waited and again she didn’t come. He knocked again and the parrot said, “Who is it?”

The plumber screamed, flew into a rage, pushed the door in, and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and fell dead in the doorway. The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway. “A dead body!” she exclaimed. “Who is it?”

The parrot said, “It’s the plumber.”

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”—ELLEN DEGENERES

A chicken walks over to a duck standing on the side of the road. The duck is considering crossing to the other side.

“Don’t do it, pal,” the chicken says. “You’ll never hear the end of it.”

* * *

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs.

He says, “See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people.”

The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, “See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people.”

The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, “See that castle over there?” The other bats nod. “Well,” says the third bat, “I didn’t.”

“My wife kisses the dog on the lips yet won’t even drink from my glass.”—RODNEY DANGERFIELD

What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot? No idea, but when that animal talks, people will listen.

* * *

Dave went to the store for a box of mothballs. His closet was infested with moths and he needed a solution. The next day, Dave returned to buy five more boxes.

“Weren’t you just here yesterday to buy a box of mothballs?” the store clerk asked.

“Yes, but I used up that box already. Those suckers are hard to hit when they start moving!”

* * *

Why did the chicken say, “Meow, oink, bow-wow, moo”? He was studying foreign languages.

* * *

Two farmers are standing in a field discussing their work.

“I’m having an issue with my flock of cows,” the first farmer admits.

“Herd of cows,” the second farmer corrects his friend.

“Of course I’ve heard of cows,” the first farmer barks, “I’ve got a whole flock of them!”

* * *

What did the grape say when an elephant stepped on it? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

* * *

“Julie,” her mother asked, “why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?”

“Because,” Julie answered, “that’s where my canary is.”

* * *

A man rings the doorbell of a small house and an old woman answers.

“I’m sorry,” the man says, “but I’m afraid I’ve run over your cat. I’d like to replace it if I can.”

“All right,” the old woman says. “But how good are you at catching mice?”

* * *

A couple’s house is infested with flies. While waiting for the exterminator, the husband goes around the house on a mission to kill as many flies as possible.

“Well,” he says to his wife, “I killed six flies. Four were male and two were female.”

“How can you tell the sex?” she asks.

“Four of the flies were on a beer can and the other two were on the phone.”

“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”—AMBROSE BIERCE

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday. The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.

“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.

“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.

“Fifty dollars!” the father replies. “I’ll just find a cheap one off the web.”

* * *

What do bees say about the summer weather? Swarm.

* * *

Why did the eagle grow his claws so long? He wanted to enter a local talon contest.

* * *

Al bragged about his home aquarium to a friend.

“I keep it super clean,” he said. “And my fish are always so darn happy.”

“How the heck can you tell your fish are happy?” his friend asked.

“Because,” Al replied, “they are always wagging their tails.”

* * *

A grasshopper walks into a crowded bar. He sits down on a stool and orders a glass of beer. The bartender says, “That’s funny. I figured you’d order something different, especially since we’ve got a drink named after you.”

The grasshopper looks at the bartender baffled and says, “You’ve got a drink named Stan?”

* * *

A man is sitting on his couch watching TV when he hears the doorbell ring. He opens the door, and all he can see is a snail sitting on his front porch. He throws the snail across the street and goes back to watching TV. A year later, he is again sitting on his couch watching TV when the doorbell rings. He opens the door to see an angry snail, who yells, “What the heck was that for?”

* * *

What is the number one cause of death for hamsters? Falling asleep at the wheel.

* * *

Two bats are hanging upside down in a cave. The first bat asks the second, “Do you remember the worst day of your life?”

The second bat replies “I sure do. It was the day I had diarrhea.”

* * *

A kangaroo keeps escaping his enclosure at the zoo. In an effort to keep him inside at night, the zookeepers construct a 10-foot fence around his habitat. The next morning, they find the kangaroo wandering around the zoo. The zookeepers construct a 20-foot fence to keep the kangaroo from escaping, but the next day he is loose once again. The zookeepers begin construction on a 50-foot fence they’re sure will keep the kangaroo in his enclosure. Watching the men work, a camel in the neighboring enclosure sticks his head over to the kangaroo’s side and asks, “How high do you think they’ll make it this time?”

The kangaroo answers, “Not sure, but it still won’t matter, unless they remember to lock the door this time.”

* * *

A zookeeper stumbles across a man throwing five-dollar bills into the monkey cage.

“What the heck are you doing?” the zookeeper asks.

“The signs says it’s cool,” the man answers, pointing to a sign in front of the cages.

“No, it doesn’t,” the zookeeper replies.

“Sure it does,” says the man, tossing another bill in the cage. “It says, ‘Do Not Feed Monkeys. $5 Fine.’”

“If it’s so great outside, why are all the bugs trying to get in my house?”—JIM GAFFIGAN

Did you hear about the leopard constantly trying to escape the national zoo? It never works; he’s always spotted.

* * *

A blind man is walking down the street with his Seeing Eye dog. They stop at the corner to wait for the traffic light to change. The dog, unable to wait any longer, begins peeing on the blind man’s leg. After the dog finishes, the blind man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a doggie treat. He holds it out for the dog. A pedestrian standing next to the blind man sees the entire event and he’s shocked. He turns to the blind man and says, “Why would you reward your dog for peeing on your leg?”

The blind man replies, “Oh I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the butt.”

* * *

How did the fish get high? He’s got a connection for really good seaweed.

* * *

A woman calls the vet because her beloved dog isn’t moving. The vet makes a house call and after a quick examination tells the woman her dog is going to die.

“Isn’t there anything you can do?” the woman pleads with the vet. He thinks it over, leaves the room, and returns with her cat. The cat sniffs the dog head to toe, looks him over, and shakes his head at the vet.

“I’m sorry, miss. It’s out of our hands.” The vet hands the woman a bill for $1,570 before he leaves.

“What?” the woman screams. “How is the bill $1,570? You didn’t do anything.”

“Well,” replies the vet, “it’s $70 for the consultation, $100 for the house call, and $1,400 for the emergency cat scan.”

* * *

A farmer spends $7,000 on a young registered Black Angus bull to mate with his cows. He puts the bull out with the herd, but the animal just eats grass. He won’t even look at the cows. The farmer feels cheated, so he brings in the local vet to check out the bull. The bull is very healthy, the vet explains, but possibly just a little young. So he gives the farmer pills to feed the bull once per day. It will help with his urge to mate. After a few days, the bull starts to service a few cows, and within a week, every cow on the farm. The bull even breaks through the fence and breeds with all of the neighbor’s cows. He turns into a mating machine. A friend of the farmer asks exactly what the vet gave the bull to cause such a drastic change.

“I don’t know exactly what was in those pills,” the farmer says. “All I can tell you is they work and they taste like peppermint.”

* * *

A man is telling a bartender about the craziest day of his life.

“It was unreal,” the man recalls. “I’m on this horse that’s galloping at top speed. On the right side of me is this elephant going as fast as the horse. Right in front of us is another horse going just fast enough so we don’t hit him, and about ten feet behind us is a lion giving chase. He could catch us at any minute!”

The bartender is in shock. “My God,” he says to man. “What did you do?”

“Well, I had no choice,” the man replies, taking a sip of his beer. “I got my drunk butt off that merry-go-round as fast as possible.”

“‘You scratch my back, and I’ll suck blood out of yours.’ That is the insect motto.”—DAVE BARRY

A man on vacation in the Caribbean decides to go horseback riding. He visits a local farm that rents horses to ride around the countryside. The owner of the horse, a very religious man, explains to the visitor that in order to make the horse go, he’ll have to say “Thank God,” and to make the horse stop, he should say “Amen.” During his ride around the village, the horse is stung by a bee. In pain and shock, the horse takes off running right toward a dangerous cliff.

“Amen!” the man shouts, hanging on to the horse for dear life. The horse stops just a few inches short of the cliff’s edge. The man catches his breath, looks over the cliff, and mutters out loud, “Thank God.”

* * *

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar seventy-five and deer nuts are always under a buck.

* * *

A dog walks into an employment agency and says he’s looking for full-time work. “Holy cow! A talking dog!” the agency owner cries. “With your talent, I’m sure we could find you a job in entertainment. Maybe a circus?”

“A circus?” the dog asks. “Why would the circus need an accountant?”

* * *

After returning from a trip from the Sunshine State, a man tells his friend all the things he’d seen. “Did you know in Florida they use alligators to make handbags?”

His friend says in amazement, “Wow, it’s crazy what they can make animals do these days.”

* * *

A burglar breaks into a house late at night. He’s going through all of the family’s belongings when he hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”

He looks around and sees no one, and thinks he’s imagining things. He goes back to what he’s doing and again hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”

He shines his flashlight on a parrot in a cage across the room. “Are you the one saying ‘Jesus is watching me’?” he asks the parrot.

“Yes,” the parrot replies.

“What’s your name?” the burglar asks.

“My name is Clarence.”

“Clarence?” the burglar laughs. “That’s a dumb name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot answers, “The same idiot who named his pit bull Jesus.”

“You know when they have a fishing show on TV, they catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”—MITCH HEDBERG

A man buys a talking parrot from the local pet shop. He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot to say a few things. Instead of repeating him, the parrot just swears at the man. After a few aggravating hours of the same responses from the parrot, the man threatens the bird with a severe punishment.

“If you don’t stop swearing, I’m going to put you in the freezer.”

The parrot continues to curse, so the man has no choice but to put him in the freezer. About a half hour later, the man opens the door to find the parrot happy to see him but freezing cold.

“Have you learned your lesson?” the man asks.

“I sure have,” the parrot replies. “I promise never to swear again.”

After thawing out for a moment, the parrot turns to the man and asks, “So what did the turkey in there do to you?”

* * *

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, “This guy looks edible; never seen his kind before.” So the lion starts rushing toward the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic, but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He says loudly, “Mmm . . . that was some good lion meat!”

The lion abruptly stops and says, “Whoa! This guy seems tougher than he looks. I’d better leave while I can.”

From a nearby treetop, a monkey witnesses everything. The monkey realizes that he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return, so he proceeds to tell the lion what really happened. The lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together.” They start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and, realizing what has happened, starts to panic even more.

He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!”