A man goes to a doctor for his yearly routine physical. The nurse starts with the basic health questions.
“How much do you weigh?” she asks.
“Oh, about 165 pounds,” he says.
The nurse puts him on the scale and his actual weight is 187.
The nurse then asks, “And how tall are you?”
“Oh, about six feet tall,” he says. The nurse checks and sees that he’s only five foot eight. She then takes his blood pressure and tells him it’s incredibly high.
“High!” the man exclaims. “Well, what do you expect? When I came in here today I was tall and lanky. Now I’m short and fat!”
* * *
A man with a broken hand says to his doctor, “Will I be able to play guitar after the operation on my hand?”
The doctor says, “Yes, of course.”
“That’s great!” says the man. “I never could before.”
* * *
A woman explains to her doctor her recent issues with going to the bathroom.
“I’ve had horrible constipation,” she explains. “I haven’t been able to go for weeks.”
“Are you doing anything for it?” the doctor asks.
“Well, I’ll force myself to sit on the toilet for a half hour in the morning and a half hour before bed.”
“No, I meant are you taking anything?”
“Oh,” she replies. “Yeah, I usually take a magazine.”
“He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.”—MILTON BERLE
A man asks his good friend if he can recommend a doctor. “Yeah,” the man says, “I’ll give you the number to the guy we go see. He’s a family doctor. He treats mine and I support his.”
“I’d go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.”—GEORGE BURNS
A man visits the doctor because he’s suffering from a miserable winter cold. His doctor prescribes some antibiotics, but they don’t help. On his next visit, the doctor gives the man a shot, but it doesn’t do any good. On his third visit, the doctor tells the man to go home and take a steaming hot bath. As soon as he gets out of the bath, he should open all of the windows in his house and stand naked in the draft.
“But doctor,” the man protests, “if I do that, I’ll probably get pneumonia.”
“I know,” says the doctor. “But at least I know how to cure pneumonia.”
* * *
A woman accompanies her husband to a doctor’s visit. After the checkup, the doctor calls only her into his office. “The outlook isn’t good,” he tells her.
“Your husband is under a tremendous amount of stress. If you don’t do exactly what I tell you, he may not survive to see the end of the month. Each morning, make him a nice healthy breakfast. Do the same for lunch and dinner. Always be in a pleasant mood around him and keep his spirits up. Don’t burden him with chores or stress him with the details of your day. At night, if he’s up for it, agree to any request for sexual pleasure. If you do all those things, he’ll live a long life.” On the way home, the husband asks his wife what the doctor said to her in the closed-door meeting.
She replies, “You’re going to die.”
* * *
A man went to the dentist to have a cavity worked on. The dentist was on vacation so the man settled for the doctor filling in.
* * *
A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says, “Doctor! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replies, “Show me.” So the woman pokes her ankle and screams in pain. She pokes her knee and yells again. She pokes her forehead and screams louder than before. She is about to continue when the doctor says, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thinks for a minute and says, “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
* * *
A worried father calls the family doctor because he thinks his teen son has caught a venereal disease.
“I think he got it from the maid,” says the concerned dad, “and I’ve also been sleeping with the maid.”
“Okay,” the doctor replies calmly. “Well, when you bring him into the office we’ll take a look at you as well.”
“And that’s not all,” the father continues. “I think I might have given it to his mother.”
“Oh no!” cries the doctor. “Well, now we might all have it!”
“People are saying that I’m an alcoholic, and that’s not true, because I only drink when I work, and I’m a workaholic.”—RON WHITE
A man goes to the dentist for his six-month exam. The man tells the dentist, “My teeth are great. I never use mouthwash, rarely brush my teeth, never floss, never use a breath mint, and eat onions and garlic with just about every meal. I also never have bad breath.” The dentist agrees his teeth are decent, but he will need an operation.
“On what?” the man asks.
The dentist responds quickly, “Your nose.”
* * *
Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks. Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”
His roommate replies, “Canadian.”
Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”
The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”
Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.”
His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”
* * *
A patient and psychologist were meeting for the first time.
“I think I’m a goat,” the patient tells the new doctor.
“All right,” the doctor says as he jots notes down. “And how long have you had this feeling?”
The man told him, “Ever since I was a kid.”
“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”—BILL MAHER
A patient in a mental hospital would spend his entire day with his ear pressed up against a wall. The doctor would watch this man, day after day, sit against the wall. The doctor finally decides to see what the patient is always listening to, so he puts his ear up to the wall and listens alongside the man. He hears nothing.
He turns to the mental patient and says, “I don’t hear anything coming from the wall.”
The mental patient replies, “Yeah, I know, and it’s been like that for months!”
* * *
A new patient settles comfortably onto the couch and the psychiatrist begins his therapy session.
“I’m not aware of your exact problem,” the doctor says, “so perhaps you should start at the very beginning.”
“Of course,” replies the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth . . .”
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.”
—BILL MURRAY IN WHAT ABOUT BOB?
Three older ladies are discussing the trials of getting older. One says, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich.”
The second lady chimes in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one responds, “Well, I’m sure glad I don’t have that problem, knock on wood.” She raps her knuckles on the table, then says, “That must be the door, I’ll get it.”
“My mother used to say: the older you get, the better you get . . . unless you’re a banana.”—BETTY WHITE
Two men are sitting in a bar drinking. The first man notices two old men across the bar. He points at them and says to his friend, “That’s us in about ten years.”
His friend looks up, laughs, puts his head back down, and says, “That’s us now, because that’s a mirror.”
* * *
A middle-aged man goes to the doctor about his recent issues with memory loss.
“Doctor, I just can’t seem to remember much anymore.”
“Okay,” the doctor said sympathetically, “it might be an issue we can get a grip on. When exactly did you begin having this issue?”
The man looks at the doctor and replies, “What issue?”
* * *
A man is standing on the scale in his bathroom and sucking in his gut. His wife catches him and says, “That’s not going to help at all.”
“Yes it is,” the man barks. “Now I can see the numbers!”
“Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking.”—BILL HICKS
“My grandmother has Alzheimer’s,” a teen tells his friend as they walked past her sitting in the living room.
“That sucks,” the friend says.
“Yeah, but it’s got some upside,” the teen replies. “Like when I get twenty dollars for my birthday every week.”
* * *
Two old men are sitting on a park bench. The first man takes a look into his friend’s ear and says, “Do you know you’ve got a suppository stuck in your ear?”
“Really?” says the first man. “I had no idea. But I guess that explains where I put my hearing aid.”
* * *
Two old women are discussing the disgusting habits of their husbands. “Even after all these years, my husband will not stop biting his nails,” the first woman explains.
“My husband had the same habit,” the second woman explained, “but I fixed that. I just hid his teeth.”
* * *
A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. “Did God make you, PopPop?” the girl asks.
“Yep! He certainly did,” the old man answers.
“And did he make me too?” she asks next.
“Of course he did,” the old man answers again.
“Well,” she replies, “he’s certainly getting better at it.”
* * *
“Do you realize you were speeding?” the officer asks the old woman after pulling her over.
“Yes, officer,” she replies, embarrassed, “but I’ve got a very good excuse.”
“What’s that?” he asks.
“I’m trying to get where I’m going before I forget where I’m going.”
“Middle age is when your old classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don’t recognize you.”—BENNETT CERF
An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog. She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”
“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”
He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for her mouth. He hands her a second set of teeth that are too small. Finally, the third set fits just right.
“Thank you so much,” the old woman says. “Do you have a business card? I’ve been looking for a good dentist for some time.”
“Oh, I’m not a dentist,” the man replies. “I’m an undertaker.”
* * *
An old couple are sitting in their living room. The old woman leans over and says to the old man, “Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?” The old man grabs the old woman’s hand.
Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?” The old man puts his arm around the old woman.
Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?” To the old woman’s surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away.
“Honey, where are you going?” she asks. The old man replies, “I’m going to get my dentures.”
* * *
A new man is brought into a prison cell with a cellmate who is already 100 years old. The new cellmate asks the old man his story. The old con says, “You look at me, I’m old and worn out, but if you can believe it, I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat and four luxury cars, dated the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants around the world.”
The new man asks, “What happened?”
“Riley finally realized his credit cards were missing.”
“If you’re older, you’re smarter. I just believe that. If you’re in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to them. Even if they’re wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have.”—LOUIS C.K.
An old man is taking the road test to renew his driver’s license. The instructor tells the old man that when she taps on the dashboard she wants him to slow down and show her the action he’d take if a young child ran out in front of his car. The instructor taps the dashboard a few minutes into the ride. The old man screeches the car to a halt, puts down the window, and yells to the empty street, “Be careful where you’re going, you little jerk!”
* * *
A young man passes an elderly man crying on a park bench. The young man stops and asks if everything is okay. The old man looks up with his eyes filled with tears.
“Kid,” the old man says, “I’m ninety years old. Last week I married a woman half my age. She does everything for me—she cooks my meals, washes my clothes, shops for me, and will do anything I ask in the bedroom.”
“Oh,” replies the young man. “Well, that doesn’t sound bad at all. Why are you sitting here crying?”
“Because,” the old man sobs loudly, “I can’t remember where the hell I live!”
* * *
An old man was fitted with brand-new hearing aids. His hearing was better than it was in his prime. He returned to the clinic a week after the fitting and the audiologist asked him, “How are your hearing aids working?”
The old man replied, “They are fantastic. They work so well I’ve changed my will three times since last week.”
“My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.”—JOAN RIVERS
A husband and wife wake up one morning, and when the man leans over to kiss his wife, she yells in his face.
“Don’t touch me! I’m dead.”
“What are you talking about?” the husband asks. “We’re both lying in bed. You can’t be dead.”
“I must be dead,” the wife responds, “because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”
* * *
Three senior citizens are sitting on a park bench complaining about their failing bodies. “Every morning, I get up at 6 a.m.,” the first man explains, “and I try to pee, but nothing but a trickle comes out.” The second man adds, “I get up at 6 A.M. too, and it feels like I’ve got to move my bowels, but I sit down on the toilet and nothing happens.”
The third man chimes in the conversation and tells his friends, “I pee and move my bowels at exactly 7 a.m. every morning.”
“That’s not bad,” the first man responds. “Why are you complaining?”
The third man admits, “The problem is I don’t usually wake up until 8 A.M.”
“Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.”—PROVERB
An adorable old woman visits the doctor. “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.”
The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.”
“Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
* * *
Three old friends, all with very bad hearing, meet on the corner.
“Isn’t it windy?” the first man asks.
“No,” says the second, “it’s Thursday.”
“Agreed,” says the third man, “let’s go grab a beer.”
“A sixty-seven-year-old woman in Spain gave birth to twins over the weekend. The mother and babies are doing fine, but the doctor who delivered the babies is still really nauseous.”—CONAN O’BRIEN
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his eighty-four-year-old father. While there he notices the nurse hand his father a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill. The man asks the nurse, “Why are you doing that? At his age, what will either do for him?”
“The hot chocolate,” the nurse explains, “will help him fall asleep faster.”
“All right,” the man replies, “and what about the Viagra?”
“That keeps him from rolling out of bed.”
* * *
A wife is visiting her husband in a nursing home. He sneezes, and for the first time in his life, covers his mouth with his hand. “I’m so proud of you,” his wife says. “You finally learned to put your hand in front of your mouth after all these years.”
“Of course I have,” her husband replies. “How else am I going to catch my teeth?”
* * *
An old man is bragging to his roommate at the nursing home about his new hearing aid. The man goes on and on about how great the hearing aid is and how well he can hear with it.
“It was also very expensive,” the man says to his friend.
“Well, good for you,” his friend replies. “What kind is it?”
“What time is it? It’s only 12:30,” the man answered.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.”—DEMETRI MARTIN
Two men are discussing the ailing health of their parents.
“I feel bad,” the first man says. “My dad is senile. All he does is stare through the window all day long.”
“That’s an awful way to live,” the second man responds.
“Yeah, I know,” the man admitted. “One day I should really let him in the house.”
* * *
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. “I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”
God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”
“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.”
“Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
* * *
Did you hear the good news about reincarnation? It’s making a comeback.
* * *
A man dies and finds himself in front of God. He sees Jesus sitting at his right hand and a janitor with a mop sitting to his left. “Who are you?” the man asks the janitor.
“The inventor of the Etch A Sketch died last week. His family was shaken, but is now ready to start over.”—CHRIS ILLUMINATI
A man places some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and starts back toward his car when his attention is diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seems to be praying with profound intensity and keeps repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approaches him and says, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. Who are you mourning? A child? A parent?”
The mourner takes a moment to collect himself, then replies, “My wife’s first husband.”
* * *
One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery. Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing, working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbles. “They misspelled my name!”
“I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”—WOODY ALLEN
A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.
After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”
* * *
A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed. He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.”
“Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.”
“I do,” the man answers.
* * *
A cult of cannibals eats a car full of circus clowns. In the middle of the meal one cannibal turns to the other and asks, “Does this meal taste funny to you?”
* * *
A father passes away and his son is arranging the funeral. He talks to the mortician about his father’s remains.
The son says, “I know we don’t have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can.”
A week after the funeral, the mortician presents the son with a bill for fifty dollars. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another bill for fifty dollars from the mortician. He pays that as well. A week later a third bill arrives in the amount of fifty dollars.
The son calls the mortician and says. “The funeral was three weeks ago. Why am I still getting bills for fifty dollars?”
“You wanted the best for your father,” the mortician says, “so that tux was rented.”
“If you eat one apple a day for 80 years, you won’t die young.”—BLACKIE SHERROD
There once was an old man who worked in a whiskey distillery. One night, while working late, he tripped over his shoelaces and fell into a massive vat of booze. Six hours later he drowned. It really shouldn’t have taken as long as it did for him to die, but he got out of the vat three times to take a leak.
* * *
A couple’s happy married life almost goes completely wrong because of Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years, Aunt Emma has lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally, the old woman passes away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confesses to his wife, “Darling, if I didn’t love you so much, I don’t think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.”
His wife looks at him in shock.
“My Aunt Emma?” she cries. “I thought she was your Aunt Emma!”
* * *
Two men are talking about how they want to leave the world.
“I’d like to go out like my uncle,” says the first man. “He died at the racetrack.”
The second man says he’d like to go out like his grandfather. “He just died peacefully. Fell asleep and never woke up or made a sound. Nothing like the people riding in his bus.”