Daily Laugh: Jokes about everyday absurdities

A man is stuck inside a public restroom without any toilet paper. He calls over to the man in the next stall, “Hey, you got any extra toilet paper in there?”

“No,” replies the man.

“You got any newspaper over there?” the stranded man asks.

“Nope,” the second man replies.

After a moment of silence, the first man asks the second, “You got two fives for a ten?”

* * *

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

“A word to the wise isn’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones that need the advice.”—BILL COSBY

Two men are walking side by side down the street. One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it, and says, “This guy looks so familiar, but I can’t remember where I know him from.”

The other guy grabs it from his hand, takes a look at it, and says, “It’s me, you idiot!”

* * *

The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

* * *

How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb? Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on “how funny-looking” local light bulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don’t come out.

“I hope we find a cure for every major disease because I’m tired of walking in 5Ks.”—DANIEL TOSH

A man finishes pumping gas and goes into the store to pay. A sign on the pumps says, “Please tell cashier the pump number to pay.” The man walks up to the counter and says to the clerk, “Number 2.” The clerk hands the man a set of keys, motions to a hallway next to the counter, and says, “The second door on the left.”

* * *

You might be a redneck if your daughter’s sweet sixteen is sponsored by Budweiser.

* * *

If you think nobody cares you are alive, try missing a couple of payments.

* * *

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* * *

Two rednecks are walking along when they see a dog licking his genitals. The first redneck says, “I wish I could do that.”

The other responds, “If you tried, he’d probably bite you.”

* * *

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Multilingual.

What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual.

What do you call someone who speaks one language? An American.

* * *

What did the two iPhones say to the two iPads? “Want to get kinky and have a 4G?”

* * *

Why are tall people always so well rested? They sleep longer in bed.

* * *

What did the head of the nudist colony say to the newest male members? “The first is always the hardest.”

* * *

Did you hear the rumor about exit signs? They are on the way out.

“One of my college friends has a stutter and a lot of people think it’s a bad thing, but to me it’s just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That’s not an impediment, that’s suspense.”—DEMETRI MARTIN

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He tried to eat his food before it was cool.

* * *

Did you know 50 percent of people use Google as a search engine and the other 50 percent use it to check to see if their Internet is connected?

* * *

Change your Facebook name to Benefits so when someone adds you on Facebook, it will say, “You are now friends with Benefits.”

* * *

A man was eating in a restaurant when he desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. He finished his coffee and noticed that everybody was staring at him. Then he suddenly remembered he was listening to his iPod.

“There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.”—KEVIN JAMES

A policeman came to my door yesterday and asked, “Where were you between four and six?”

So I said, “Probably either in kindergarten or first grade.”

* * *

How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blankets.

* * *

A woman is getting lunch ready when the phone rings. “This is the middle school calling about your son Phillip. He’s been caught telling unbelievable lies.”

“I’ll say he has,” the woman replies. “I don’t have a son.”

* * *

A man bought a self-help book from the bookstore. The title of the book was How to Handle Life’s Biggest Disappointments. When he opened the book to read it that night he realized all the pages were blank.

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”—STEVE MARTIN

A bride is going over the wedding planning with her mother. “I’ve got something new and something borrowed, but I don’t have anything old or blue.”

“Don’t worry,” the mother says, “your father’s mother is coming and she hasn’t paid her heating bill in months.”

* * *

Did you hear about the man who received a life sentence just for one day of bobsleighing? He killed twenty Bobs in one day.

* * *

Did you hear about the new garlic and onions diet? You eat nothing but garlic and onions for a week. You don’t lose much weight, but people will be standing so far away you’ll appear smaller.

* * *

“I saw a recent picture of you,” a brother tells his sister who lives halfway around the world, “and I’ve got to be honest—you’re looking kind of big.”

“That’s an awful thing to say!” the sister barks. “And where did you see a photo of me?”

“Google Earth,” the brother answers.

* * *

The CEO of a major corporation is asked to give an address to shareholders at the yearly meeting. He asks the company press officer to write him a twenty-minute speech. When the CEO returns from the convention, he is furious at the press officer.

“Are you trying to kill my career?” the CEO barks. “I asked for a twenty-minute speech and you give me an hour-long speech. People were standing up and walking out.”

“No,” says the press officer, “I gave you exactly what you requested—a twenty-minute speech and two extra copies.”

* * *

What’s the worst part about sitting in traffic? Getting run over.

* * *

What goes click, “How about now?” click, “How about now?” click, “How about now?” A blind man attempting to solve a Rubik’s Cube.

* * *

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

* * *

Fart in church and you’ll end up sitting in your own pew.

* * *

A woman was driving in rush-hour traffic when the car in front of her stopped suddenly. She didn’t have time to brake and smashed right into the car’s back bumper. A dwarf got out of the driver’s seat and approached the woman’s car angrily. “I’m not happy!” the dwarf said through her closed window.

The woman rolled down the window and replied, “Good. My neck hurts, so I was hoping you were Doc.”

“When life hands you lemons, make whiskey sours.”—W.C. FIELDS

While watching a movie in the theater, a man can’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him. Unable to bear it any longer, he taps one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” he says, “I can’t hear.”

“I should hope not,” one woman replies sharply. “This is a private conversation.”

* * *

A drunk man hails a taxi cab. When the taxi pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, “Have you got room in here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?”

“Sure,” replies the driver.

The drunk man says, “Fantastic!” and throws up on the passenger seat.

* * *

A drunk man stared at a huge billboard for more than an hour. The billboard, advertising soda, wanted the world to Drink Canada Dry. So the drunk bought a bus ticket to give it a shot.

* * *

A lady walks into a dress shop one afternoon after spotting a gorgeous strapless dress in the shop window. She tells the store clerk, “I’d like to try on that strapless dress in the window.”

The store clerk replies, “You can try on the dress, miss, but I think the changing room would be a much better place to do it.”

“Life is one long process of getting tired.”—SAMUEL BUTLER

Three convicts escape from jail and are being chased by police. They turn onto a dark alley and spot a bunch of potato sacks. Each of the three hides in one. A policeman quickly comes through the scene and hears a rustling from the potato sacks. He goes over to them and kicks the first potato sack.

“Meow!” says a convict. The policeman goes to the next one muttering, “Stupid cats.”

He kicks the second potato sack and the second convict says, “Woof!”

“Stupid dogs!” says the policeman while moving on to the next potato sack. The policeman kicks it. Nothing happens. So he kicks it again and the last convict says, “Potato, potato!”

* * *

A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”

“Really?” he said. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

“There are three things in life that people like to stare at: a flowing stream, a crackling fire, and a Zamboni clearing the ice.”—CHARLIE BROWN

Three men are convicted of a crime and sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They’re each allowed to bring something into the cell. The first man chooses as many books as can fit in the cell. The second man requests painting supplies. The last man requests twenty years’ worth of cigarettes. On the morning of their release, the warden goes to visit each man in his cell.

The first man tells the warden, “These last twenty years of studying have been amazing. I’m going to go back to school and get my teaching degree.”

The second man tells the warden, “I’ve become an accomplished artist and my works will hang in some of the most famous galleries in the world.”

The warden enters the third man’s cell and finds him surrounded by all of the cigarettes. The man tells the warden, “I probably should have also requested matches.”

* * *

A man is driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A police car pulls him over as he veers all over the road. The drunk tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, “For God’s sake! That’s your pine tree air freshener swinging about.”

“I owe it all to little chocolate donuts.”—JOHN BELUSHI

Just before boarding began, a flight attendant announced that the flight was overbooked. She explained that the airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, the airline would offer a $100 voucher for the next flight and a First Class ticket for the plane leaving a few hours later. A small group of people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. A few minutes later, all of the people returned to their seats with angry looks on their faces. The flight attendant got back on the intercom and announced, “If there is anyone besides the flight crew who’d like to volunteer, come up to the desk.”

* * *

The town drunk stumbles over to a parking meter, stands in front of it, and reads that there are sixty minutes left until it expires.

“I don’t believe it!” he cries out. “I’ve lost 100 pounds!”

* * *

A prisoner finishes a thirty-year sentence and is released from jail. The moment he’s outside the prison walls, he begins to jump up and down and scream out, “I’m free! I’m free!”

A little boy riding his bike past the prison grounds yells out to the ex-con, “Big deal! I’m four!”

“Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”—EMO PHILIPS

A man releases a genie from a bottle and is granted only two wishes.

“Fine,” says the man, “I can live with just two wishes. I’ll take the best wine in the world and best woman in the world as my wife.”

In a flash, the man had a bottle of the best wine money could buy. Unfortunately, he’d have to share it with his new wife, Mother Teresa.

* * *

Fifteen minutes into a cross-country flight, the plane’s captain announces over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”

Thirty minutes later the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, one more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry. We can fly just fine on two engines.”

An hour later the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, one more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry. We still have one engine left.”

A young passenger turns to the man in the next seat and remarks, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day.”

* * *

A drunk man arrives for his day in court. He appears before the judge, who looks down at his case file and says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”

The drunk man smiles widely and says, “Great! Let’s start the drinking!”

“Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts.”—JIM MORRISON

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high-profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ends its fourteen hours of deliberations and enters the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, “Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?”

“Yes we have, your honor,” the foreman responds.

“Would you please pass it to me,” the judge declares, and motions for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, “Please read your verdict to the court.”

“We find the defendant not guilty of all four counts of bank robbery,” states the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the “not guilty” verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of gratitude. The defendant’s attorney turns to his client and asks, “So, what do you think about that?”

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, “I’m real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?”

* * *

A guy walks into a bar and grabs a stool. Before he can order a drink, the bowl of pretzels on the bar in front of him says, “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.”

The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels and orders a drink from the bartender. The bowl of pretzels tries to get the man’s attention again by saying, “Ooh, a pilsner, that’s a great choice. You seem like an incredibly smart man.”

Getting very uncomfortable with the pretzel’s comments, the guy says to the bartender, “Hey, what the heck is up with this bowl of pretzels? It just keeps saying really nice things about me.”

The bartender says, “It’s normal. The pretzels are complimentary.”

“When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is.”—OSCAR WILDE

Two classmates are discussing the current state of their alma mater at a reunion weekend barbecue. “Things have really gotten crazy here,” the first man says. “Did you know the football coach makes three times the salary as the head of the English department?”

The second man responds, “Well, that kind of makes sense. I’m pretty sure 100,000 screaming fans wouldn’t show up on Saturday for a lecture on Shakespeare.”

* * *

Did you hear about the social studies teacher fired for being cross-eyed? He couldn’t control his pupils.

* * *

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”

The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”

Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes back in reply. “You change your course, sir.”

The captain is now furious. “I’m a battleship!” he signals. “I’m not changing course for anything.”

He receives one final call, stating, “Well, I’m a lighthouse, so it’s your call.”

“The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.”—ANN LANDERS

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he’d like something tall, icy, and full of vodka. The bartender holds up his finger for the man to wait a minute and yells into the back room, “Hey Tiffany, someone is here looking for you!”

* * *

A woman calls her husband’s cell phone to tell him the car is giving her a problem. She thinks there is water in the carburetor.

“How the heck would you know that?” the husband asks.

“Because I just drove it into a canal.”

* * *

A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife’s purse. “How could you do this?” the pastor cried. “You know we’re on an incredibly tight budget!”

“I know,” the woman said, “but the devil himself was shopping with me. He convinced me the dress looked so good I had to buy it!”

The pastor consoled his wife with a hand on her shoulder. “In those moments, my love, you’ve got to yell out loud, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’”

“I did that,” the wife explained, “and he said, ‘The dress even looks good from back here.’”

“Live each day as if it were your last . . . because one day, you’ll be right.”—BENNY HILL

A drunk man falls down the front steps of the W Hotel in New York. He lands at the feet of a cab driver waiting for his next fare. The drunk man stands up and says, “Take me to the W Hotel!”

The cabby looks at the drunk man and tells him, “Buddy, you’re at the W Hotel.”

Perfect,” the man says, handing the driver a twenty-dollar bill, “but next time don’t drive so fast.”

* * *

One evening an old farmer decides to go down to his pond. He hasn’t been there in months, and feels the urge to check on things. As he gets closer, he hears loud giggling coming from the pond. He is shocked to find a bunch of young women skinny-dipping.

“Hey, what’s going on here?” he shouts, alerting the women who were standing at the water’s edge. All of the women scream in shock and swim to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouts to the farmer, “We’re not coming out until you leave, you pervert!”

The old man replies, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or see you naked! I’m here to feed the alligator!”

* * *

A diet guru is holding a seminar in the conference room of a large hotel. “The food we eat,” he explains, “is slowly killing us. Red meats attack the heart. Vegetables and fruits are sprayed with harmful pesticides. Even our drinking water is polluted! But do you know which food is much more dangerous than them all? Can anyone tell me what it is?”

A man in the back of the room raises his hand and, when called on, answers, “Wedding cake?”

“Drama is life with the dull bits left out.”—ALFRED HITCHCOCK

A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera. He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn’t speeding. Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact same spot, driving even slower this time through. Again, the camera flashes. He thinks it is hilarious, since he was obviously doing nothing wrong, so he drives even slower as he passes through the light for a third time. The traffic camera takes his photo again. He does it a fourth and fifth time and is hysterical each time when the camera flash snaps his picture. The final time he passes through the light he is going 20 miles under the speed limit. Two weeks later, he gets five tickets in the mail for operating a car without a safety belt.

* * *

A man was complaining about the local police to his neighbor.

“I’m sick of the cops in this town telling me how to drive when they are some of the worst drivers in the state.”

“How do you know that?” the neighbor asks.

“Every week, I constantly pass signs on the side of the road that say Police, Accident.”

* * *

A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty.

“What happens when I turn fifty?” the young woman asks, staring down at the cards.

“Oh, nothing,” said the fortuneteller. “You’ll just be used to it by then.”

* * *

There are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

“If only we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.”—EDITH WHARTON

A man spends the entire night getting hammered at his local pub. After last call, the man stands up from his stool but falls flat on his face trying to walk. He pulls himself up in the doorway of the bar, attempts to stand, but falls flat on his face to the sidewalk. He drags himself to his car and drives home. He tries to unlock his front door, finally gets it unlocked, but falls flat on his face in the hallway of his home. His wife is standing on the steps to the bedroom, waiting for the man. “You’ve been out drinking again, haven’t you?”

“What makes you say that?” the man asks, still lying on the cold wooden floor.

“Because the bar called. You forgot your wheelchair again!”