Eighty percent of success is showing up.
I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
Is sex dirty? Only when it’s being done right.
Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I’m astounded by people who want to “know” the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
My brain? That’s my second favorite organ.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone you love.
The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.
This year I’m a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Having sex is like bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; among 5 it’s fantastic.
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.