Never miss a good chance to shut up.
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by readin’. The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.
A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.
Common sense ain’t common.
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
The more you observe politics, the more you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket.
The difference between death and taxes is death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.
No party is as bad as its leaders.
Everybody is ignorant only on different subjects.
Strangers are just friends I haven’t met yet.
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law, and every time they make a law it’s a joke.
I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.
The only way to beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.
Liberty doesn’t work as well in practice as it does in speeches.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old.
Mona Lisa is the only beauty who went through history and retained her reputation.
Things will get better – despite our efforts to improve them.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him “father.”
I never met a man that I didn’t like.