Marriage is the Chief cause of divorce.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend on reading it.
Humor is reason gone mad.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
I sent the club a wire stating, “PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, and I’m going to be happy in it.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it.
Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he’s crooked.
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men — the other 999 follow women.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Marriage is a wonderful institution…but who wants to live in an institution?
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
All people are born alike… except Republicans and Democrats.
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does.
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.