Best Quotes of All Time: Funny

One man’s folly is another man’s wife. — Helen Rowland

I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. — Demitri Martin

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. — John Wilmot

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. — Norm Crosby

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? — Scott Adams

If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us. — Anon

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it. — Clarence Darrow

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. — Cullen Hightower

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. — H. L. Mencken

It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. ― Marilyn Monroe

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. ― George Bernard Shaw

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ― Mae West

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. ― Hedy Lamarr

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. ― Mark Twain

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. ― Golda Meir

I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words together. ― Charles Dickens

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. ― Rodney Dangerfield

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” ― Claude Pepper

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. ― Albert Einstein

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. ― Milton Berle

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ― Lana Turner

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. ― Joey Adams

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninetyseven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. ― Ellen DeGeneres

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. ― Robert Benchley

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are. ― Jarod Kintz

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D’s in school. Well guess what, I get F’s!!! ― Bill Watterson

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. ― Dave Barry

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. ― José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. ― Oscar Wilde

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. ― Mark Twain

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. ― Unknown

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. ― Emo Philips

I don’t hate you.. I just don’t like that you exist. ― Gena Showalter

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ― Groucho Marx

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. ― Rodney Dangerfield

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. ― Spike Milligan

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. ― Rodney Dangerfield

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. ― Lucille Ball

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. ― Steven Wright

Some Funny Facts:

  • ‘Second Street’ is the most common street name in the U.S.
  • Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
  • 1/3 of Taiwanese funeral processions include a stripper.
  • 15 percent of Americans secretly bite their toes.
  • 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
  • 40% of all indigestion remedies sold in the world are bought by Americans.
  • A broken clock is always right twice a day.
  • The world’s oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old.
  • Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness. She declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or not.
  • A group of frogs is called an army.
  • Albert Einstien never wore any socks.