America’s Greatest Comedians: Jokes about politicians and history

How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to insist the light bulb has been taken care of and the other to screw it into a faucet.

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It’s only natural that all politicians have a God complex. They haven’t done anything in ages, they give all the best jobs to their immediate family, and no one really believes in them.

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A top official in the Democratic Party leaves his office to check out a local Republican rally. While he’s spying from afar, a mugger approaches and holds him up at gunpoint. He returns to his office, upset and despondent over what happened. He explains the entire story to his assistant.

“Weren’t there cops around?” the assistant asks.

“Of course,” the Democrat replies.

“Well then, why didn’t you yell out for help?” the assistant asks.

“What?” he shoots back, “and have Republicans think I was cheering for them?”

“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.”—MILTON BERLE

The president was awakened in the middle of the night by a call from the Pentagon.

“Mr. President,” the four-star general began, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” the president asked.

“The country is being taken over by aliens from another planet.” “My God,” the president said. “What’s the good news?” “The good news is,” said the general, “they pee oil and they’ve eaten Rush Limbaugh.”

* * *

A tour guide is leading a group around the Washington, D.C., area when they come to a spot on the Potomac River.

“This is where George Washington allegedly threw a dollar across the river,” the guide tells the group.

“That’s impossible,” says one skeptical tourist. “No one could ever throw a dollar that far.”

The guide tells the man, “Well, you have to keep in mind that money went a lot farther in those days.”

“Political speeches are like steer horns: a point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.”—ALFRED E. NEUMAN

On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican told his best friend that he was switching parties and becoming a Democrat.

“My God,” his friend replied, “why would you do such a thing?”

“Simple,” the man muttered in his last breath, “because I’d rather one of them die than one of us.”

* * *

A local congressman was sitting in his office when the phone rang. He picked it up, said little, smiled widely, said “Thank you,” and hung up the phone.

He picked the phone back up to call his mother. “Mom, it’s me,” he said. “I won the election!”

“Honestly?” she said in response to the news.

“Does it really matter how I did it?” he replied.

“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.”—JAY LENO

Why don’t politicians listen to their conscience? They don’t like taking advice from complete strangers.

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Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.

“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.”

A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?”

Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?”

A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”

* * *

Two presidential aides are having coffee in a back room at the White House. “Sometimes I wish we worked for the pope and not the president,” one of them says.

“Why?” asks the second aide.

“Because then we’d only have to kiss his ring.”

“It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth.”—BILL HICKS

While waiting for a White House press conference to begin, a journalist turns to the stranger to his right and asks, “Did you hear the latest joke about the president?”

“Before you continue,” says the stranger, “I should tell you I’m part of the White House staff.”

“Okay, thanks,” the journalist responds. “Then I’ll tell the joke a little slower than normal.”

* * *

Laura Bush tells George W. Bush, “We have this weekend free. What should we do?”

“Well, let’s think,” he responds.

Laura replies, “No, let’s do something we both can do.”

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Plenty of Americans don’t trust Barack Obama because they claim he’s not a “real American” like they are. They have a point; they aren’t like him. He’s too thin.

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How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two—one to change the light bulb and then one to change it back again after he gets elected.

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A Republican, a Democrat, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car when a tornado picks up the car and tosses them miles into the air. When the car finally comes back down, the three men realize they’ve been transported to Oz.

“I’m going to ask the Wizard for a brain,” says the Democrat.

“I’m going to ask him for a heart,” says the Republican.

Bill Clinton looks around and asks the two men, “Where do you think Dorothy is?”

“Schwarzenegger confesses to fathering baby with house staff member, but explains that child is destined to bring down SkyNet in 2031.”—GEORGE TAKEI

Two politicians are having lunch. The first politician says, “There are many ways of making money, but there is only one honest way.”

“And how’s that?” the second politician asks.

The first politician laughs and replies, “I have no idea. I thought maybe you would.”

* * *

Did you hear that the George W. Bush Presidential Library burned to the ground in a fire? Unfortunately, all three books were lost, and one of them was barely all colored in.

“I don’t know a lot about politics, but I can recognize a good party man when I see one.”—MAE WEST

Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are among the passengers on a boat that’s about to sink. As the ship begins to capsize, Carter yells, “Quick, save the women and children!”

Nixon replies, “Screw the women!”

Clinton wonders out loud, “Do we have time for that?”

* * *

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.

“Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”

* * *

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”

The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

“It’s so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.”—BOB HOPE

Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping? Because he found it impossible to lie.

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How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but boy does it get screwed good.

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What happens when you mate a pig with a politician? Nothing, because there are some things even a pig won’t do.

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Bill and Hillary are fast asleep in the First Bedroom, when Hillary wakes and starts shaking Bill. Bill groggily opens his eyes and says, “Honey, it’s 3 A.M. What do you want?”

“I have to use the bathroom,” Hillary replies.

Bill responds, “Please tell me you didn’t wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom.”

“No,” Hillary says. “I just wanted to tell you to save my spot.”

“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.”—WILL ROGERS

Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages? Because there were so many knights.

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Which English king invented the fireplace? Alfred the Grate.

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How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars.

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What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark? Floodlights and ark lights.

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A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout, “Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he says. “What I meant to say was half of this Senate is not made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”

* * *

Two young boys are talking before school.

“My uncle ran for Senate last year,” the first boy says to his classmate.

“Really?” the second boy asks. “What does he do now?”

“Nothing,” the first boy explains. “He got elected.”

* * *

How do you keep Vice President Joe Biden busy until lunch? Tell him to stand in the corner of the Oval Office.

“For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.”—VIRGINIA WOOLF

Who is the most powerful individual in Washington, D.C.? The president’s dog––he can get the president to kneel in front of him.

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Why should all former senators be buried 100 feet deep when they die? Because deep down, they’re really good people.

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How did George Washington speak to his army? In general terms.

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What are the ingredients for the homemade Bill Clinton stew? One wiener, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans, and tons of hot water.

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Before his inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to take a tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of water, he asked President Clinton if he could use the bathroom in the Oval Office. He was astonished to see that the president had a solid gold urinal installed. That night, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

“Just think,” he said, “when I’m president, I’ll have my own personal gold urinal!”

Laura had lunch with Hillary Clinton on her tour of the White House and told her how impressed George had been with his discovery of the president’s private bathroom and gold urinal.

“Bill doesn’t have a gold urinal,” Hillary told Laura, “but that explains who peed in Bill’s saxophone.”

* * *

Hillary Clinton goes in for her annual gynecological exam. The doctor tells her she’s pregnant. Hillary storms out of the office and calls Bill.

“You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?”

After a moment of stunned silence, Bill asks, “Who is this?”

* * *

“You should be ashamed,” a father tells his young son. “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.”

“Really?” the son responds. “Well, when he was your age, he was president.”

* * *

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time. “For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”

The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.”

“Why is that?” asks the professor.

“Well for one thing,” the student answers, “she’s probably dead.”

“It’s a very good historical book about history.”—DAN QUAYLE

A reporter corners George W. Bush at a press conference after his election. “Many people feel the only reason you were elected president is because of the enormous power and influence of your father.”

“That notion is ridiculous!” says Bush. “It doesn’t matter how powerful the man is. He was only allowed to vote once!”

If “pros” are opposite of “cons,” does that mean “congress” is the opposite of “progress”?

President George Bush walks into the Oval Office and sees Vice President Dan Quayle celebrating wildly.

“What’s going on, Mr. Quayle?” the president inquires.

“I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!” the vice president beams.

“How long did it take you?” President Bush asks.

“I did it in just over a month,” Quayle explains, “but the box said it would take 3–5 years!”

“After you’ve heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.”—TIM ALLEN

A history teacher is discussing George Washington with his class. “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree,” the teacher explains, “but also admitted to doing it. Does anyone know why his father didn’t punish him?”

A girl in the front of the class answers, “Maybe because George still had the axe in his hand?”

* * *

Why’s Richard Nixon like an old collector’s item? Both are worth more in the box.

A man is sitting at a bar during a costume party when a friend comes up to him and says, “You were supposed to dress up like something that symbolized your love life.”

“I am,” the man says.

“You look like Abe Lincoln,” the friend responds.

“Yup,” he replies, taking a sip of beer. “My last four scores were seven years ago.”

* * *

One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington’s ghost in the White House. President Bush asks him, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” Washington advises.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears in the Oval Office.

“Tom,” Bush asks, “what is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

Jefferson advises Bush, “Cut taxes and reduce the size of government.”

Bush stays awake the next night and Abraham Lincoln’s ghost appears.

“Abe,” Bush says, “What is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

Honest Abe answers, “Take the night off and go see a play.”

“He who warned, uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells, and um, makin’ sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.”—SARAH PALIN

President Obama goes to visit the Queen of England. As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama is warmly welcomed by the Queen. They are driven in a car to the edge of central London, where they get into a magnificent seventeenth-century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on toward Buckingham Palace and wave to the crowds gathered to greet them. Suddenly the right rear horse lets out the loudest fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is awful and both passengers put handkerchiefs over their noses. The two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident. Because the smell lingers, the Queen feels she must say something. She turns to President Obama and says, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.”

Obama looks at her and replies, “Your Majesty, I completely understand. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.”

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Did you hear the rumor that the president was poisoned last week but doctors were able to find a cure? The information is purely antidotal.