Taking his girlfriend to the cinema, the man’s wig fell off when they were canoodling in the back row. As he felt around trying to find it, his hand accidentally went up his girlfriend’s skirt.
“Oooh…” she moaned, “Go on, go on, that’s it.”
“No, it can’t be,” he said. “I part mine on the right.”
* * *
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when she was suddenly attacked by a huge wolf.
“At last, at last,” laughed the wolf. “I’m going to eat you all up.”
“Oh sod it,” said Little Red Riding Hood, “doesn’t anyone fuck these days?”
* * *
While on holiday, the Seven Dwarfs visit the local convent to buy some souvenirs. They meet up with the Mother Superior
and Dopey stops to talk to her.
“Excuse me, your holy one, do you have any short nuns here?” Mother Superior is quite puzzled by the question but replies, “Not very short, some around 5 foot.”
“Are you sure there aren’t any nuns about 3 foot in height?” he persists.
“No, no, no one like that.”
As the dwarfs leave, the Mother Superior follows them quietly down the road to try and discover the reason for such an odd question. She overhears the other dwarfs asking him what was said, and he replies, “She said they don’t have any.”
On hearing this, the dwarfs fall about laughing and chanting: “Dopey’s fucked a penguin, Dopey’s fucked a penguin.”
* * *
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
* * *
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping trip to Dartmoor and as they lay down for the night Sherlock Holmes said, “Doctor Watson, my old friend, when you look up into the darkness, please tell me what you see.”
“Well, I can see a very clear sky, there are no clouds and the stars are out in their millions. I can see the Milky Way and I believe that extra bright star over there is the planet Venus which you can see at this time of the year. I would also deduce that being such a clear night will mean that it will get quite chilly.”
Watson laughed and said, “But knowing you, Sherlock, I’m sure there are many things I have missed. What have you deduced?” There was a moment’s silence and then Holmes replied,
“Somebody’s nicked our tent.”
* * *
The Lone Ranger and Tonto have just spent a month riding through the desert before landing up at Prickly Gulch Creek where they go into the saloon for a much needed drink.
They’ve only been in there a few minutes when a man runs in asking if anyone owns a big white horse.
“That’s mine,” replies the Lone Ranger. “Is there anything wrong?”
“Sure is, the animal’s collapsed,” says the man.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto go outside to see poor Silver lying prostrate on the ground, but after giving him some water he seems to revive a bit. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says, “Will you just run around him for a few minutes so he can feel a breeze and that’ll soon put him right.”
Tonto starts to run around Silver while the Lone Ranger goes back inside to finish his drink. A moment later another man rushes in asking who owns the white horse outside.
“Bloody hell,” says the Lone Ranger. “That’s mine, now what’s wrong?”
“Oh your horse is alright,” says the man, “but you’ve left your injun running.”
* * *
Two women are watching a film in the cinema when one turns to the other in surprise.
“You’re not going to believe this, Mav, but the man sitting next to me is masturbating.”
“Dirty bugger, just ignore him,” she hisses.
“I can’t, he’s using my hand.”
* * *
A cowboy walks into a saloon wearing a paper suit and is immediately arrested by the sheriff for rustling.
* * *
A man walks into a saloon, draws his gun and shoots the piano player dead.
“I’ve been itching to do that for a long time,” he says, “that bloody noise has been driving me mad.”
The barman beckons the man to one side.
“Mind if I give you a bit of advice, Mister? If I were you I would file off any sharp edges on your gun and grease the barrel.”
“Is that supposed to make me a better shot?” asks the cowboy.
“No, but you’ll find it’ll make things easier for you. That piano player you just killed has two big, mean brothers and when news gets to them about what you did, they’ll shove that gun right up your arse.”
* * *
Peter was hooked on gambling and more than half his wages each week would be lost on this addiction – from the horses, dogs and more obscure pastimes such as cock fighting and ferrets. One evening, he was returning home after becoming champion for keeping a ferret down your trousers for the longest time, when he passed the local cinema and discovered they were showing a film he badly wanted to see.
No animals were allowed inside but that was no problem. Peter stuck the ferret down his trousers. Halfway through the picture, he unzipped his flies to give the animal some air.
A young girl was sitting next to him and she suddenly nudged her friend and whispered frantically, “Sharon, that man’s got his dick out!”
“Sshh, just ignore him,” replied her friend.
“But I can’t,” she moaned, “it’s nibbling my knee.”
* * *
A very popular film was being shown at the local cinema and the place was packed. Suddenly a woman stood up and with a scream rushed out into the foyer to search out the manager.
“I’ll never come back here again,” she complained. “I’ve just been interfered with.”
A short while later another woman ran out looking distressed, complaining of the same thing.
“I’m not having this,” said the manager and he decided to track down the pervert. Shining his torch along the rows he eventually discovered a man crawling along under the seats.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he roared.
“It’s my toupee,” replied the man. “I’ve lost it. I had my hand on it twice, but it got away.”
* * *
Deep in the heart of Sherwood Forest, Robin Hood was lying in bed in his cottage, only a few days from death.
“Little John,” he croaked “give me my bow and arrow and open the window. I will fire the arrow and wherever it lands, please bury me there.”
And indeed, a few days later, Robin died and having promised to carry out his final wish, Little John and the rest of the Merry Men buried Robin on top of the wardrobe.