The woman was up in court for a second time, filing for divorce. Three years earlier she had divorced her first husband because she claimed his “tackle” was too big. This time she wanted a divorce because her husband was “too small.”
The judge granted her divorce but just before she left the court he gave her some words of warning.
“Madam, this court does not want to see you here again so be careful how you choose a third husband. We have more important things to do than sort out the right fitting for you.”
* * *
One day while on traffic control, a policeman flags down a car for speeding. As he walks up to the car he sees it is being driven by a beautiful brunette.
“Excuse me, Miss, did you not see the signs, this is a 30 mph zone and you were going at least 50 mph. May I see your licence and insurance please?”
“Oh dear,” replies the dizzy girl. Do you mean these, officer?” and she hands him some documents from her bag.
“That’s right, Miss, won’t be a moment”, and with that he walks over to his car to radio in the details.
“I think I know this woman,” comes the reply, “is she a dizzy brunette?”
“Just go back over and take your trousers down.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” says the policeman in amazement.
“Don’t worry, just do as I say, it’ll be fine.”
So the policeman returns to the woman’s car, hands back her documents and drops his trousers.
“Oh wow,” she replies, “not another breathalyser.”
* * *
It was late at night and the police were out checking for erratic driving. They spotted a car travelling alone along the dual carriageway and decided to follow it. The car never exceeded the speed limit, gave all the correct signals as it left the main road and when they reached the town it pulled up correctly at all the traffic lights. Eventually, the police car overtook the car and flagged it down.
“Good evening, Sir,” said the policeman.
“We felt we had to stop you to congratulate you on your perfect driving skills.”
“Well, thank you, officer,” replied the driver, “I always drive very carefully, especially when I’ve had a bit to drink.”
* * *
Three country lads were out in the big city when they were attacked by a mugger.
“Give me all your valuables,” he hissed, “or I’ll inject you with AIDS.”
Immediately, two of the lads handed over their wallets and then ran away. The third lad, however, refused so the mugger injected him. Later, when the three lads met up, the two who had handed over all their money looked at their friend aghast.
“Don’t you realise what he’s done? You’ve been injected with AIDS.”
The third lad smiled.
“No, no, it’s alright, I’m wearing a condom.”
* * *
“You are up before this court for the hideous crime of making love to your wife after she had died. Do you have anything to say in your defence?”
“Yes, your honour. I didn’t know she was dead, she’d been like that for years.”
* * *
A music hall entertainer is stopped by the police for having a faulty break light, and on the back seat of the car, the policeman spots a whole set of knives. He asks the man why he has them – doesn’t he know it’s against the law to carry knives.
The man explains that the knives are used in his act – he juggles them.
The policeman insists the man gets out to show him so he stands at the roadside performing his act. Just then, another car drives by and the driver turns to his wife, saying, “Thank goodness I gave up the demon drink, just look how the police test you these days.”
* * *
A man stumbles into the police station yelling blue murder that his car has been stolen.
“Can you tell me where you left it, Sir?” asks the duty sergeant.
“On the end of this bloody key,” he screeches.
Now it had been a difficult evening and the duty sergeant’s temper was at boiling point. He retorted, “Listen here, you wretched little man, you’re so bloody drunk, you can’t remember anything and your whole behaviour is disgraceful. Why! you’ve even left your flies undone.”
“Fucking hell,” slurred the drunk, “they’ve stolen my girlfriend as well.”
* * *
The traffic police flag down a car for driving erratically and ask the driver, a young girl, to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test. As they look at the results, the policeman turns to the girl and remarks severely, “You’ve had a few stiff ones tonight, Miss.”
“Oh my goodness,” she exclaims blushing. “I didn’t know it told you that as well.”
* * *
“You are up before this court for entering a dog in the local pet show,” said the judge. “You will go to prison for 3 months.”
* * *
“Okay, this is a robbery, everyone down on the floor immediately,” shouted the armed raiders as they ran into the bank. Everyone lay face down on the floor except for one girl who lay on her back.
“Hey,” whispered her friend, “this is a bank robbery, not the office party, so turn over.”
* * *
A very drunk man was walking down the street, one foot on the pavement and the other on the road.
“I shall have to arrest you for being drunk,” said the policeman.
“Drunk?” said the man. “How can you tell?”
“You are walking with one foot on the pavement and the other on the road,” replied the officer.
“Oh that’s wonderful” said the drunk, “for a while I thought I had one leg shorter than the other.”
* * *
The traffic police spotted a man staggering towards his car and opening the driver’s door. They stopped and confronted him.
“Excuse me, sir, but I hope you are not intending to drive the car?”
“Of course I am, officer,” he slurred. “I’m in no state to walk.”
* * *
A naive young man found himself in the wrong part of town late at night, and got attacked by a gang of muggers. He put up a terrific fight but was eventually overcome and lay bleeding on the ground. When the muggers went through his pockets, all they found was a handful of loose change.
“You went through all that just to protect a few coins?” they asked amazed.
“Oh I see,” said the man. “For a while I thought you were after the £500 hidden in my shoe.”
* * *
“What’s wrong, miss?” asked the kindly policeman when he saw the girl crying.
“A thief has just stolen £20 I had hidden inside my knickers,” she sobbed.
“Did you try to stop him?”
“I didn’t know he was only after my money.”
* * *
The traffic police flagged down the car.
“Excuse me, Sir, you’ve just hit four parked cars and driven straight over the middle of the roundabout. It’s obvious you are very drunk.”
“Officer, thank you so much for telling me. I thought the steering had gone on the car.”
* * *
The judge turned to the woman and asked, “I see you’re divorcing your husband on the grounds that he is a slob and uncouth. Can you give me any examples of this?”
“Yes, your honour. Whenever we go out he always drinks tea with his pinkie sticking out.”
“But there’s nothing wrong with that,” said the judge. “It’s considered good manners in some circles to drink tea with the little finger sticking out.”
“But I wasn’t talking about fingers,” she replied accusingly.
* * *
A gang of notorious bank robbers stormed through the doors waving their guns and demanding all the customers line up against the wall. While some of his men started putting the money from the safe into bags, the leader shouted to his hostages, “Before we go, we’re going to rape all the men and rob all the women.”
Hearing this, one of the gang turned to him and said, “Boss, you mean rape all the women and rob all the men.”
Suddenly a young gay man said, “Hey, he’s the boss, you should do as he says.”
* * *
The judge turned to the farmer and said, “Mr Brown, you are in this court to claim damages against this truck driver, for the awful injuries you sustained at the time of the accident. And yet, Mr Brown, at the time of the accident you were heard to say to the policeman that you’d never felt
better. Kindly explain.”
“It’s like this, your honour” replied the farmer. “At the time of the accident the policeman went over to my dog, and seeing it was so badly injured, he shot it. Then he went over to my two cows and when he saw they had broken legs, he shot them as well. So when he came and asked me how I felt, I thought it was a good idea to tell him I’d never felt better.”
* * *
Instead of sending two convicted drug dealers to jail, the judge decides to give them both 250 hours of community service.
“You will work in a drug rehabilitation centre, explaining to those poor addicts the evils of drug abuse. After your sentence you will return to me with a full report of your work.”
The two drug dealers carry out the judge’s wishes and return to him at the end of their sentence.
“How did it go?” the judge asks the first man.
“I managed to get 31 people off drugs,” he replies.
“Well done, and how did you manage that?”
“I drew two circles – one large and one small. I told them the large circle was the size of their brain before drugs, and the small circle was what their brain would be like after drugs.”
The judge then asks the second man how he did.
“I got 200 people off drugs,” he replies.
“But that’s staggering,” says the judge. “How did you manage that?”
“Well, I drew two pictures – a small circle and a large circle. I showed them the small circle first and told them that was their arsehole before going into prison …”
* * *
A young woman is alone in a railway carriage when a dishevelled lout walks in, sits opposite her and takes out a packet of peeled prawns to eat. Belching and farting, he eats his way through the packet and then throws the empty carton onto the floor.
At this point the young woman gets up, gathers together all the rubbish and throws it out of the window. She then pulls the communication cord.
“You silly bitch,” he chuckles, “that’ll cost you a £50 fine.”
“Maybe,” replies the lady. “But it’ll cost you 15 years when they smell your fingers.”
* * *
A simple young man got very drunk one day and was caught short on the way home so he relieved himself in the local river. At that moment a policeman came along and shouted to him.
“Stop that immediately, put it away and go home, you drunken sod.”
The man stuck his dick back inside his trousers and started to laugh.
“What the hell are you laughing at?” demanded the policeman.
“Ha, ha,” replied the man. “I really tricked you this time. I put it away but I didn’t stop.”
* * *
“Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?” asked the judge.
“Fuck all,” said the defendant.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that,” replied the judge and turning to the clerk of the court, he asked him what the man had said.
“He said Fuck all,” responded the court official.
“Really?” puzzled the judge. “I could have sworn I saw his lips move.”
* * *
A simple man was accused of stalking a beautiful young girl and was told he would have to line up in an identity parade.
When they took the girl along the line, he shouted loudly, “That’s her.”
* * *
“Mr Makepiece, you are up before this court for possessing a counterfeit press. Although no money can be found, I pronounce you guilty of intent to produce counterfeit money. Do you have anything to say?” asked the judge.
“Just one thing, your honour. You’d better find me guilty of adultery as well because I have the equipment for that too.”
* * *
“Mr Luckless, before I pass sentence, do you have anyone who could vouch for your good character?” asked the judge.
“Yes, Your Honour, I do,” he replied.
“Him over there” and he pointed to the local police officer.
“But your Honour,” spluttered the officer, “I’ve never met this man in my life.”
“Exactly,” exclaimed Mr Luckless, triumphantly. “I’ve lived in this town for twenty years and the police still don’t know me.
Now doesn’t that show good character?”
* * *
The head of the East End gang was Walter “Shooter” Menagle. He and his thugs earned thousands of pounds a month from protection rackets, ambling syndicates and general crime. One day, one of his trusted men asked him if he could find a job for his nephew who was deaf and dumb.
“Sure,” said Menagle, “get him to be a runner for the casinos. So young Ken joined the gang and went about his business unnoticed by those around him until one fatal morning when he and his uncle were called to Menagle’s office.
“Now listen and listen good,” said Menagle to the uncle.
“Your-low-down no-good nephew has been stealing money from me. Bit by bit over these past few months, it’s added up to over £1⁄4 million. I want it back. NOW. Go on, tell him.”
The shocked uncle turned to his nephew and in sign language asked him what he had done with the money. Ken shook his head and Menagle flew into a rage. Taking a gun out of his jacket he aimed it at the boy’s head and screamed, “Get that fucker to tell me where the money is or he can start
to say his prayers.”
Again, the uncle asked his nephew in sign language and this time the terrified boy responded by signing that he’d hidden the money in his uncle’s garage.
“Well,” demanded Menagle. “What’s he saying?”
“He said he doesn’t believe you’d shoot him, he thinks you’ll chicken out.”
* * *
A fishing boat had crashed onto the rocks in heavy seas and the lighthouse keeper was taken to court for negligence. His lawyer asked him “Did you carry out your duties on the night in question?”
The lighthouse keeper described his work, how the machinery flashed the light on and off and how he constantly watched the seas through his telescope. The jury was so impressed with his testimony that they found him not guilty.
Later, the lawyer congratulated him on being such a clear speaker.
“Thank you,” said the lighthouse keeper, “but I was worried for a while.”
“How come?” asked the lawyer.
“I was worried that someone was going to ask me if the light was working.”
* * *
The timid man was put in jail for jaywalking and found himself sharing a cell with a huge brute of a man – 19 stone, hairy and rough and doing life for murder.
“Now let’s get one thing sorted out straight away,” he snarled, “are you going to be the husband or the wife?”
Terrified of the consequences, the poor man stuttered “I, I’ll – er – be the husband,” thinking it was the better of two evils.
“Okay, husband, grinned the brute. “Get down on your knees and suck your wife’s dick.”
* * *
“Mr O’Malley, you are up before this court for being drunk and disorderly. Do you have anything to say in your defence?”
“Yes, your honour. I fell into bad company. I met some nondrinkers in the park.”
“But why should that be bad?”
“I had a bottle of whisky with me and I had to drink it all myself.”
* * *
It was a big day in the remote Welsh town because old Lloyd was up in court for indecent behaviour with a sheep. All the townspeople packed into the small court to hear the proceedings. The one and only witness took the stand and was asked what he had seen.” Well, your honour, I see’s old Lloyd walk up behind this sheep, drop his trousers and hold onto the sheep’s back. There was a bit of shaking and then he pulled his trousers back up, and the sheep turned around and licked his face.”
At that point, one of the men on the jury turned to his fellow jurors and whispered, “You can tell it’s a good sheep when it does that.”
“Quite right,” said the others, nodding their heads.