Did you hear about the two cannibals who caught a clown?
As they began eating it, one said to the other, “Hey, wait a minute, do you taste something funny?”
* * *
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
So the sheep won’t hear the zip.
* * *
A bad football team is like an old bra.
No cups and very little support.
* * *
What have a diamond ring and David Beckham got in common?
Both come in a posh box.
* * *
What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
Nice tits, sweetheart.
* * *
What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?
A widow.
* * *
What’s the difference between a cockerel and a nymphomaniac?
The cockerel says “Cock-a-doodle-do” while the nymphomaniac cries “Any cock’ll do!”
* * *
What does a woman have when she’s got two little balls in her hand?
The man’s undivided attention.
* * *
Why are men more clever than dogs?
So they won’t hump women’s legs at dinner parties.
* * *
What’s the definition of female masturbation?
Finishing the job off properly.
* * *
Why is it so difficult for women to find caring, sensitive men?
They already have boyfriends.
* * *
What’s the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg.
* * *
What’s the difference between a woman and a fast food chicken take-away?
Once you’ve had the breast and leg all that’s left is a greasy box to stick your bone in.
* * *
What’s the definition of a yankee?
It’s like a quickie, only you can do it yourself.
* * *
What’s the difference between like and love?
Spit and swallow.
* * *
A dangerous lunatic escaped from the mental institution and raped a laundry woman before making his escape.
The headline in the local paper read, “Nut screws washer and bolts.”
* * *
Old saying: “Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.”
* * *
What’s the difference between a vulture and your mother-inlaw?
A vulture waits until you’re dead.
* * *
Why do firemen have bigger balls than policemen?
They sell more tickets.
* * *
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows, it’s never happened.
* * *
Did you hear about the nymphomaniac who robbed a bank?
She tied up the safe and blew the guard.
* * *
Old proverb:
Girls who look for trouble often get a belly full.
* * *
Is it true that if mini skirts get any shorter, women will have two more lips to paint, two more cheeks to powder, and a little more hair to comb?
* * *
Wise old saying:
Girls who use their heads can stop the population explosion.
* * *
Words of wisdom from a philosopher:
“It all comes down to the same thing in the end. Live life like a dog. If you can’t eat it or fuck it, then piss on it.”
* * *
Old saying:
May your organ never quit while you are halfway through your favourite piece.
* * *
A bloke walked into the pub and was astounded at the sight of the barman. He was built like a brick shithouse with muscles bulging out all over, tattoos everywhere, unshaven and sweaty.
After a moment or two the barman became aware of the looks he was getting and said, “What the bloody hell are you looking at?”
“Sorry, mate, it’s just that you look just like someone I know. You’re almost identical…if it wasn’t for the moustache…”
“But I haven’t got a moustache,” said the barman.
“No, but my wife has.”
* * *
What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus.
* * *
What’s the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman’s mouth?
Einstein’s dick.
* * *
Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
Because they don’t have bollocks.
* * *
Why are wives like condoms?
They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on the end of your dick.
* * *
What’s the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
* * *
What’s the first thing a nymphomaniac learns when she starts taking driving lessons?
You can also sit up in a car.
* * *
What’s the difference between Mm-m and Ahhh?
About 3 inches.
* * *
Why don’t women like having sex with an SAS man?
They slip in and out unnoticed.
* * *
Why do married women have so many wrinkles?
It’s from squinting up their eyes and saying, “Pull what?”
* * *
Said the art critic to the flasher: “Well hung, good show, Sir.”
* * *
Girls, the best way to drive your fella mad is to smile in your sleep.
* * *
“Hello, I’m a little stiff from rugby.”
“No problem, it doesn’t matter where you come from,” she replied.
* * *
“Hey, Loser!” shouted the gang of boys. “What’s the difference between your sister and a Rolls-Royce?”
“None of us have been in a Rolls-Royce.”
* * *
Did you hear about the man who had over 150 dogs in his house?
The doctor told him to stop whistling in his sleep.
* * *
What’s the difference between condoms and coffins?
They both contain something stiff, but one’s coming while the other’s going.
* * *
One of the greatest mysteries that men cannot solve is why, when they get drunk, someone creeps into their bedroom in the middle of the night, vomits all down their clothes and pees in the wardrobe.
* * *
How can a weak wally make his girlfriend laugh?
By showing her his tackle.
* * *
What do men have in their underpants that women don’t want on their faces?
Wrinkles.
* * *
Life is like a bed of roses…full of pricks.
* * *
What did the fat girl say to the fat boy?
Thanks for the tip.
* * *
You can tell Samantha enjoyed herself when she was alive.
They had to bury her in a Y-shaped coffin.
* * *
Why do estate agents’ wives always get on top?
Because estate agents always fuck up.
* * *
What do you get if you cross a rooster with a badly trained dog?
A cock that doesn’t come.
* * *
What is the difference between 365 days in a year and 365 condoms?
One’s a good year and the other’s a fucking good year.
* * *
A lady is a woman who doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke and only curses when it slips out.
* * *
Words of wisdom:
The most vulnerable area for goalkeepers is between their legs.
* * *
What’s the similarity between a penis and Rubik’s cube?
They both get harder the longer you play with them.
* * *
It has just been announced that women no longer have to risk the dangers of breast enlargement.
Doctors have just discovered a way of making men’s hands smaller.
* * *
What do you call it when an Englishman’s girlfriend has an orgasm?
A miracle.
* * *
Did you hear about the wally who tried to commit rape?
He tied his victim’s legs together so she couldn’t run away.
* * *
Wise men say it wasn’t the apple that caused all the trouble in the Garden of Eden. It was the pair on the ground!
* * *
An ageing old rook was talking to a bull in a field.
“I wish I could fly to the top of that tree, but these days, I just haven’t got the energy,” he said sadly.
“I’ve got an idea,” replied the bull. “If you eat part of my droppings you’ll get extra energy because they’re packed with minerals and vitamins.”
So the rook did as he suggested and each day ate part of the bull’s droppings. Sure enough, after a couple of weeks, the rook felt so revived he soared to the top of the tree and proudly surveyed the surrounding countryside. However, he was spotted by a farmer who immediately got hold of his shotgun and killed the bird stone-dead.
“Oh dear,” sighed the bull. “I should have warned him. Bull shit may get you to the top, but it doesn’t mean you’ll stay there.”
* * *
“Hi, do you know the difference between a cocksucker and a ham sandwich?”
“No.”
“Great. How about coming over for lunch tomorrow?”
* * *
There are three words to make a man hit rock bottom.
“Is it in?”
* * *
Did you hear about the man who so hated his mother-in-law that he cut the tail off the dog so there would be no visible signs of welcome!
* * *
A man went for a meal in a kosher restaurant and said to the waiter, “Excuse me, do you have matzoballs?”
“No sir,” he replied. “It’s just the way I walk.”
* * *
What do good time girls have written on their underwear?
“Next.”