The little boy’s mother had been away for a week’s conference and on returning she asked her son how he’d been.
“OK,” said Ben. “Except there was dreadful thunder and lightning on Tuesday night so me and Daddy snuggled up in the same bed.”
“You mean Daddy and I,” said his young nanny.
“Oh no,” said the boy, “that was Wednesday night, don’t you remember?”
* * *
When Samantha was expecting twins she interrupted a burglary and got shot twice in the stomach. Fortunately, the babies were delivered safely but the bullets were never recovered. Seventeen years went by, when one day her daughter came to her in great distress.
“Oh mum, I just been to do a wee and all of a sudden, out popped a bullet.”
Samantha told her it was nothing to worry about and explained what had happened all those years ago. A little later she caught sight of her son, sitting down with his head in his hands. She went up to him, put her arms round his shoulders and said, “Don’t worry, I think I can guess what happened. You went to the toilet and a bullet came out.”
“Oh no, mum, it wasn’t like that. I was having a wank and I shot the dog.”
* * *
It was an idyllic scene. Little old Grandma was sitting in her rocking chair, knitting a jumper for her granddaughter. On the floor in front of her chair sat her two beautiful grandchildren, quietly looking at some picture books. All of a sudden, the children turned to Grandma, saying, “Oh Grandma, please tell us a story. We love your stories, please, please!”
“Well … I don’t know,” replied Grandma. “I’m a bit tired.”
“Oh please, Grandma, tell us our favourite story about when you were a whore in Liverpool.”
* * *
As the young girl leaves school for home, a car draws up and a man leans across, saying, “Hello, let me give you a lift home.”
“No thanks,” she says firmly and heads on up the road.
The car follows and again the man speaks to her.
“Come on, get in, I’ve bought you a comic.”
“No, I don’t want to,” she cries and starts to run.
The car catches her up again and the man says, “Look, it’s starting to rain, you’re going to get so wet if you don’t get in.”
“How many times do I have to say no?” she screams. “It was your choice to buy the Lada but it doesn’t mean I have to ride in it, Dad.”
* * *
“Grandpa, have you got your own football?” asked his grandson. Puzzled, Grandpa replied, “No, Billy, I don’t play football anymore, why do you ask?”
“Because I heard Dad say that when you kicked it, we’d all be able to afford a good holiday.”
* * *
During Sunday school, Tracy turned to her teacher and said,
“Please Miss, I’ve found out where God lives.”
“Really!” smiled the teacher. “Where does he live?”
“At number 12 Beech Street.”
“How do you know that?”
“Yesterday, I was passing it on the way to school and I heard a woman from the upstairs bedroom shouting “Oh God, Oh God…”
* * *
A little boy ran into his mother’s room crying hysterically.
“I don’t want my willy any more,” he sobbed, “it’s bad to have one.”
“Don’t be silly, darling,” she replied. “Of course it’s not bad, why do you say that?”
“Because I’ve just seen daddy in the bathroom and he’s trying to pull his off.”
* * *
“Daddy, daddy,” cried little Tom, “please come and look, my pussy cat is lying in the garden with his feet in the air and he won’t move.”
Assuming the worst, dad went into the garden to take a look.
“I’m sorry, son, I’m afraid Tiddles is dead.”
Through his sobs, the little boy asked why the cat’s feet were sticking up in the air.
Quick as a flash, dad replied, “That’s so Jesus can grab hold of them and take him up to heaven.”
A few days later, dad came home from work to find Tom crying in the garden.
“What’s happened, Tom?” he asked.
“It’s mummy, she nearly died today, like my poor pussy cat!”
“How can that be?” asked dad aghast.
“I went into the summer house a little while back and mummy was there with her feet in the air shouting ‘I’m coming, I’m coming!’ Oh daddy, if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down, she would have been taken up to heaven by Jesus.”
* * *
A little boy went shopping with his mother and when she began trying some clothes on in the fitting room, he remarked, “You’ve got big balloons, mum.”
“That’s not the right word for them” she replied. “Why do you call them that?”
“Because yesterday I saw daddy blowing up the au pair’s.”
* * *
Mrs Primly is walking down the village street when she sees young Emily pulling a cow by a rope.
“Goodness me,” she utters. “What on earth are you doing with that?”
“I’m taking it to the bull,” she replies.
“The bull! What a thing to ask a young girl, can’t your dad do it?”
“Oh no,” replies the girl, “it has to be the bull.”
* * *
A family went on holiday to the coast and wandered accidentally onto a nudist beach. The little boy ran off to play but returned a few minutes later, saying, “Mummy, mummy, I’ve just seen some women with boobs much much bigger than yours.”
Mummy replied, “Son, the bigger they are, the more stupid the women.”
The little boy went off again but soon came running back.
“Mummy, mummy, I’ve just seen some men with much bigger willies than daddy has.”
As before, mummy replied, “The bigger they are, the more stupid the men.”
Five minutes went past and the little boy came back very excited. “Mummy, mummy, I’ve just seen daddy talking to the most stupid lady I’ve ever seen, and as he was talking to her, he started to get more and more stupid as well.”
* * *
“Daddy,” said the serious little girl. “May I have a computer for Christmas please?”
“I’m sorry, darling, not at the moment, your mum and I have a pile of heavy bills and our new car is costing us heaps of money each month.”
The following spring, the little girl asked her father again for a computer but he repeated what he had told her before. A week later, early in the morning, daddy saw his daughter leaving the house with a suitcase in her hand.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
“I’m leaving,” said the little girl. “Last night I was walking past your room when I heard you telling Mum you were pulling out and I heard her telling you to wait because she was coming too. So there’s no way I’m staying here to cope with all the bills.”
* * *
Down the street, a young girl walked into her parents’ bedroom to find her mother astride her father. To cover any embarrassment they told her they were playing a game.
“Can I join in?” she asked.
So the girl sits astride dad as well, jumping up and down, pretending dad is a horse. As the parents reach a climax, the little girl shouts excitedly, “Hold on tight, Mum, this is where me and the au pair usually fall off!”
* * *
Did you hear about the couple who adopted a baby from Spain? Then signed up for evening classes in Spanish so that they would be able to understand the baby when it started talking.
* * *
A priest met a small boy walking along the street and in the boy’s hand was a bottle of acid.
“Now, now young man,” said the priest, looking worried.
“That’s not something you should be walking around with.
Look, wouldn’t you rather have some of my Holy Water?”
“Why?” asked the boy. “What does that do?”
“Well, only this morning I put this water on Mrs McTavish’s tummy and she passed a baby.”
“Not bad,” said the boy, “but five minutes ago, I put this acid on the backside of that old black and white mongrel and it passed the police car.”
* * *
“Okay darling,” said Mummy to her little five-year-old daughter. “Why don’t you say grace for us today?”
“Yes Mummy,” replied the dutiful daughter. She closed her eyes, put her hands together and said innocently, “Give us some food, for Christ’s sake. Amen.”
* * *
“Mummy, Mummy, where do babies come from?” asked the little girl.
“Why darling, they come from the storks.”
“But Mummy, who fucks the storks?”