A Scotsman, a bit the worse for wear, staggered into an off licence for some more booze. There were two men in front of him. The first had a huge beard and a big cigar. He ordered £100 worth of spirits and told the shop assistant to put it on the F11 convention bill. After he had gone the second man, also sporting a large cigar and a slightly smaller beard, ordered £200 of sherry and port, and asked for it to be also put on the F11 convention account. So the Scotsman thought he’d try and get away with the same thing.
“Two crates of whisky please, and put it on the F11 convention account, my good man,” he said, trying to sound very upright and sober. The shop assistant replied, “I’m sorry, Sir, I can’t do that, you don’t have a large beard and cigar.”
For a moment the Scotsman looked defeated but then a smile lit up his face as he lifted his kilt and replied, “Ah yes, but I’m working undercover.”
* * *
A sleazy man ran a pet shop and advertised on the front window that he had a dog for sale, specially reared for spinsters.
It wasn’t long before a woman came in asking for more details.
“I assure you, Miss, this dog will cater for all your needs,” he said as he brought out a huge Alsatian for her to inspect. The woman bought the dog and they went home. However, a week later, he received an angry phone call from her, complaining that the dog was not satisfactory.
“My sincere apologies,” simpered the man. “I’ll come round and see you straight away.”
When the man arrived, he found the woman in bed and the dog asleep on the carpet.
“Watch carefully, Brutus,” he said to the dog as he took his clothes off. “I’m only going to show you one more time.”
* * *
The man knocked on his manager’s door.
“Excuse me, Sir, may I have tomorrow off, the wife wants to go shopping.”
“Certainly not,” replied the manager.
“Oh thank you, Sir, you’ve saved my life!”
* * *
A man was strolling around an old antique market when he spotted a long-forgotten brass rat pushed into a far corner of one of the shops. A collector of brass objects, the purchase was soon made and the man departed. However, he hadn’t gone too far when he noticed a rat running up behind him and within minutes, the whole area was swimming in the vermin. Frightened for his life, the man raced down the road to the river and threw the brass rat into the water. Lo and behold all the rats ran into the water and drowned. Some time later, he returned to the antique market and sought out the man who had sold him the rat. When the shopkeeper recognised him, he said, “Back again already, Sir, is there something wrong with your figure?”
“Oh no, not at all, I was just wondering if you had any brass figures of lawyers,” he replied.
* * *
A bloke goes into a baker’s and asks for three pork pies. The assistant picks the pies up with a pair of tongs and puts them in a paper bag. The man then asks for three strawberry tarts and the assistant picks up another pair of tongs and puts three tarts into a bag.
“I must compliment you on such impressive hygienic standards,” said the man.
“Thank you,” says the assistant. “We’re very careful not to touch any of the food.”
Just as the man is leaving the shop, he notices a piece of string hanging from the assistant’s trousers.
“Excuse me, what is that piece of string?” he asks.
“That’s used when I go to the toilet. So that I don’t touch my penis. I pull it out with the string,” says the assistant.
“But how do you put it back?”
“Oh, I use one of these pairs of tongs.”
The couple had been married many years and it had got to the stage where any romance that might have been, had died long ago. On a shopping trip into town they stopped off at the tailor’s to get the husband fitted for a new pair of trousers.
“What size zip would you like?” asked the assistant.
“Oh, the longest you’ve got,” he quickly replied.
After they’d left the shop the wife turned to him and remarked bitterly, “You remind me of that good-for-nothing brother of yours. Every day he opens the doors of his double garage and wheels out a bicycle.”
* * *
A very shy man had the embarrassing task of returning a pair of underpants to the shop and being served by a pretty young girl.
“What’s wrong with them, Sir?” she asked.
“They’re, they’re … er, unsatisfactory,” he said, blushing madly.
“Can you tell me why?”
The man was lost for words but as he was looking wildly around for inspiration, an idea came to him.
“Do you know the old Grand Hotel on Union Street?”
“Yes.”
“And do you know the ballroom underneath?”
“But there is no ballroom underneath.”
“Exactly!” exclaimed the man, “and that’s just what’s wrong with these underpants.”
* * *
A woman tries on an evening dress in the shop and says to the sales assistant, “What do you think, I know the neckline’s a bit low cut, is it too daring?”
“Well, Madam, have you got hairs on your chest?” said the assistant.
“No.”
“Then I think it’s too daring.”
* * *
“There you are, does it fit properly?” he asked.
“Oh yes, it’s great,” she replied.
“It doesn’t hurt, does it?”
“Not at all.”
“Well, that’s good, because we’ve only got these shoes in this size.”
* * *
There was only one supermarket basket left at the door of the shop as a woman and a man approached from separate directions.
“Excuse me,” said the woman, “do you want that basket?”
“No thanks,” he replied, “I’m only after one thing.”
“Typical male,” she said to herself as he walked away.
Coming home from work, a man passed a sex shop and on impulse went in and bought a blow-up doll. He couldn’t wait to get home to try it out but when he pumped her up, she just went flat again. The next day the man went back to the sex shop and demanded to see the manager.
“So what exactly was wrong with the doll?” he asked.
“I’ll tell you what,” he replied angrily. “As soon as I’d blown her up, she went down on me.”
“Bloody hell,” exclaimed the manager. “If I’d known that I’d have charged you twice as much!”
* * *
The man was approached by the most beautiful sales girl he had ever seen.
“Can I help you, Sir,” she said. “What would you like?”
“What would I like…?” he mused. “I would like to take you away from all this. We would go to the most elegant restaurant in town, linger over the port and then head back to my place for soft lights, sweet music and mad passionate love.”
He sighed, “That’s what I’d like, but what I need is a new shirt.”
* * *
A gay man walked into a sex shop and pointed to a large black penis behind the counter.
“I’ll have that one please,” he said.
“OK, sir, shall I wrap it up or just put it in a bag?”
“Neither,” replied the man, “I’ll just eat it right now.”
* * *
A woman went into a sex shop and asked the assistant for a vibrator.
Wagging his finger at her, he said, “Come this way.”
She replied, “If I could come that way, I wouldn’t need a vibrator.”