Adult Joke Book: Red Light at Night

A prostitute is knocked down by a car and a man runs over to help her.

“Are you alright?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” she replies. “I don’t think I can see.”

“Well, how many fingers am I holding up?” he says.

“Oh no,” she wails, “I’m paralysed as well.”

* * *

Definition of a prostitute:

A busy body.

* * *

A man arrives at the door of the whorehouse and asks for the services of Cara. Sure enough, Cara appears and they disappear upstairs. Afterwards he gives her £200. The next day he asks for Cara again, they do the business and he hands her another £200. This is repeated on a third and fourth day by which time Cara has become very attached to the man.

She says, “Come back tomorrow and you can have it for nothing.”

“I’m sorry. I have to return to Scotland tomorrow. By the way, I know your brother and he gave me £800 to give to you.”

* * *

Two prostitutes talking over a cup of tea.

“What’s your day been like, Gloria?”

“Exhausting, but good business. I’ve climbed up and down those stairs more than 70 times today.”

“Oh your poor feet!”

* * *

It was his first time in London and the American decided to search out the best brothels. At last he found one that was slightly less seedy than some of the others that he’d looked at and he went in to “be serviced”.

Before taking his clothes off he thought he’d try some small talk to ease the tension he was feeling.

“Do you know I come from the other side,” he said.

“Wow,” she replied. “I can’t wait to see this, hurry up and get your clothes off!”

* * *

The girl was asked to put down her occupation on the passport application form.

“That’ll be prostitute,” she replied.

“Oh no, you can’t put that,” exclaimed the clerk.

“How about brothel worker?” she suggested.

“No, that’s no good either.”

She thought for a moment and then said, “I know, put ‘Poultry raiser’.”

“Pardon?” he asked.

“Well, I did raise over 500 cocks last year.”

* * *

A midget went into a whorehouse and demanded service.

After much discussion amongst the girls, Sylvia drew the short straw and disappeared upstairs with him. But it was only a moment later when they heard a loud scream and running upstairs to the room, they found Sylvia in a swoon.

Standing next to her was the midget, naked and sporting the longest dick the girls had ever seen.

After a moment of astonished silence one of the girls asked,

“Wow, we’ve never seen anything so big before, do you mind if we touch it?”

“No, go ahead,” said the midget, “but whatever you do, no sucking, I used to be 6 foot 5 inches tall.”

* * *

Two dwarfs who had just done a season with the travelling circus, land up in town with wallets full of money, out for a good time. After doing a round of the bars they end up at the whorehouse and get taken upstairs by two of the working girls. Sadly, however much he tries, the first dwarf cannot get an erection so he spends the night feeling very miserable particularly as he can hear his mate next door repeating time and time again, “One, two, three up, one, two, three up.”

The next morning they make their way back to the circus.

The second dwarf asks the first how it went.

“Bloody awful,” he replies. “I couldn’t get it to stand up to save my life. What about you?”

“Fuck nothing,” he answers. “I couldn’t even get onto the bed.”

* * *

A man goes to a brothel, hires one of the girls and spends the next couple of hours giving her the best fuck she’s ever had. He returns the following night, gets the same girl and gives a repeat performance. By the end of the third night the girl is so impressed she offers him a session on the house and it’s absolutely wonderful.

“You’re the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me,” she tells him. “If I pay you £200 will you do it again, now?”

The man agrees but as he looks down at his small and lifeless manhood he sneers at it and says, “You’re bloody good at spending it, but when it comes to earning!”

* * *

An old man goes to a whorehouse and asks how much it will be.

“Prices begin at £100,” she says.

“You’re putting me on,” he gasps.

“Then that’ll be an extra £20 on top of the price,” she replies.

* * *

The same old man went back to the whorehouse a year later and staggered up to the door. He was very fragile and extremely shaky on his legs, and when Madam saw him she said, “Hey, old man, you’ve had it.”

“Oh bugger,” he replied, confused, “how much do I owe you?”

* * *

PC Jenkins was doing his nightly rounds when he discovered a woman in an alleyway. Her blouse was open, her knickers were round her ankles and she was eating a packet of sweets.

“What’s going on here?” asked PC Jenkins.

“Bloody hell, has he gone?” she replied, looking around.

* * *

Throughout his teenage life, John had been warned by his God-fearing father that brothels were the ultimate places of sin and that anyone going to them would die a dreadful death.

However, one night out on a stag party John and his mates ended up in the red light district and banishing all thoughts of his father from his mind, John went into a brothel. He was taken upstairs by Madam and ushered into a bedroom where a beautiful girl lay naked on the bed. Suddenly as he looked at her, all the warnings came back to him and he cried aloud,

“Bloody hell, my dad was right, I can feel myself going stiff already.”

* * *

A husband and wife went to Manchester for the day. He had a meeting in the morning and she went off to do some shopping. Now the meeting finished much earlier than expected so the man went off into the centre of town and landed up in the “better part” of the red light district. As he was passing one of the “ladies” flats, a beautiful hooker came out and before he knew what he was doing, he asked her how much she charged a session. The hooker looked at him disdainfully and told him it would be £150.

“Bloody hell, that’s daylight robbery,” he exclaimed, “I’ve only got £30,” and feeling very disappointed he left to meet his wife for lunch. Just as the meal was over, the same hooker and a client entered the restaurant and on seeing the man and his wife she whispered to him as she passed.

“I hope that’s taught you a lesson, that’s what you get for £30.”

* * *

The God of War comes to earth and enters a brothel in London where he is attracted to one girl in particular. He stays for 3 days, spending most of the time engaged in mad passionate love but then he gets a message from the heavens ordering him home. As he’s about to leave, he realises he’s never really spoken to the girl. He hasn’t even told her his name.

“I’m Thor,” he says.

“You’re sore! For fuck’s sake, I can’t even walk,” she replies angrily.

* * *

Jack was sitting at the bar looking dejectedly into his pint of beer.

“Heh, Jack, what’s up?” asked the barman.

“Everything,” he replied. “I got so drunk last night, I can’t remember what I did, but when I woke up to find myself in bed with a woman, I naturally gave her £50.”

The barman laughed. “Don’t worry, mate, it happens to all of us. You’ll just have to accept that you spent the money and can’t remember what it was like.”

“No, no, you’ve got me wrong,” replied Jack, “the fact is that the woman in bed with me was my wife and she automatically gave me £10 change.”

* * *

Having been three months up in the mountains searching for gold, the old miner suddenly struck it rich and went down into town to celebrate. He spent some time in the saloon before heading back up the main street to the local whorehouse, carrying two bottles of beer under his arm.

“I’m looking for the meanest, toughest and downright roughest whore in town” he said to the Madam.

“You’ll be wanting old Lil, then,” she replied. “First on the right at the top of the stairs.”

So upstairs he went and banged on the door.

“Are you the meanest, toughest and downright roughest whore in town?” he yelled as he opened the door.

“I sure am,” she said, grinning, and with that she stripped off, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

“Heh! How do you know that’s my favourite position?” he asked.

“I don’t,” she replied, “but I thought you might like to open those two beers first.”

* * *

A man knocks at the door of a whore house and asks the Madam for “a girl, please”.

Now this particular Madam is an unscrupulous bitch and when she sees how naive the man is, she reckons she’ll get away with giving him an inflatable doll and he’ll never know the difference.

But after a few minutes the young man appears.

“Everything alright?” she asks.

“Well, I don’t know,” he replies. “I bit her on the bum, she farted and flew straight out of the window.”

* * *

The man was out of the door without paying before the whore had a chance to stop him. “If it’s a boy, name it after me. “Lucky,” he shouted arrogantly as he disappeared round the corner.

“And if it itches, name it after me ‘eczema’,” bellowed the whore angrily.

* * *

Arthur was such an unlucky man. One day he approached a prostitute and she said she had a headache.

* * *

An old man knocked on the door of the local brothel and spoke to the Madam.

“I’ve got plenty of money and I want me a girl,” he said, “but she must have VD.”

“Okay old man,” said the Madam and she directed him to a room upstairs where a girl was waiting, lying stark naked on the bed.

“Do you have VD?” asked the old man.

“I certainly don’t,” she protested.

So the old man sent her away and asked for someone else.

“Listen, Elsie,” said Madam, “Go and see to the old man in Room 7 and if he asks, say you’ve got the clap.”

Elsie went off to Room 7, confirmed that she had VD and serviced the old man for half an hour. At the end of the session, she told him that she had a confession to make.

“I don’t really have VD, old man,” she said.

The man smiled sadly and replied, “Well, you do now.”

* * *

The prostitute was so fed up with her client’s fumbling that she was forced to put him in her place.

* * *

Did you hear what happened when the nymphomaniac went to the library?

She got a book out called “How to Hump” and didn’t realise until she got home that it was volume 4 of the encyclopaedia.