Two men were sitting at the bar talking over past times. One said to the other, “I’ll never forget the day I turned to the bottle as a substitute for women.”
“Why’s that then?” replied the other.
“I got my dick stuck in it.”
* * *
Two naive young men were sitting in the park talking.
“Tell you what, Jake,” said Maurice. “Let’s go down the new pub tonight, ‘The Crown and Sceptre’. I’ve heard it’s right good. After you’ve bought the first drink, the rest are free for the whole night.
And then,” he grinned conspirationally, “you goes out the back and has sex.”
“Are you sure?” asked Jake doubtfully.
“Oh yeah, it was my sister wot told me. That’s wot happened to her when she went down there the other night.”
* * *
A man came staggering through the park, well and truly pissed when he saw another man doing press-ups. After watching him for a minute or two, the drunk started to laugh.
“What’s so funny?” asked the man angrily.
“I think you ought to know that someone’s stolen your woman,” he replied.
* * *
A man had a very clever parrot whose memory was second to none. One day, the man came up with a foolproof way of making lots of money. He got the parrot to learn the National Anthem and then took it down the pub where he told the customers, “I bet £10 that my parrot can sing the whole of the National Anthem.”
Some interest was shown and the money was placed on the bar. Sadly though, the parrot never uttered a note and the man had to pay out a lot of money. When he got home, he was beside himself with rage.
“You bloody stupid, half-witted bird. You’ve lost me a lot of money today.”
“Now wait up a minute,” said the clever old bird. “Just imagine the interest you’ll get tomorrow when we go back.”
* * *
A local man walks into the pub knowing that the man behind the bar is short of money after spending all his wages on the horses.
“Hello Pete, fancy a bet?” says the man. “I bet you £100 that I can piss into this empty beer glass.”
The bartender agrees, so the man drops his trousers and pisses everywhere – on the floor, the bar, the tables, even on the bartender himself. The bartender smiles and demands his money.
“OK, Pete, won’t be a moment,” says the man and he walks over to three men at the other end of the room and comes back with £300 in his hand.
“Here you are, bartender”, and he hands over the £100.
“Just a moment,” says Pete, looking puzzled. “What’s going on over there?”
The man smiles.
“Well, earlier today I made a bet with those three men that I could piss all over your pub and you’d still be smiling at the end of it.”
* * *
A man walks into a bar with a ferret on his shoulder.
“Sorry, Sir, no ferrets in here,” says the landlord. “You’ll have to go elsewhere.”
“Now hold on a minute,” says the man, “this ferret does the best blow job ever.”
“Get out of here,” bellows the landlord angrily. “I don’t have to listen to such crap.”
“No really,” persists the man. “If you don’t believe me, take him out the back and see for yourself.”
So the landlord goes out the back and reappears some time later with a big smile on his face.
“That was bloody fantastic,” he says. “How much do you want for him?”
“Oh, he’s not for sale.”
But the landlord insists and after a certain amount of bargaining, they agree on a price of £1,200. When the bar has closed, the landlord takes the ferret home and finds his wife in the kitchen.
“Gloria! teach this ferret how to keep house, then pack your bags and bugger off.”
* * *
A man walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a pasty.
“How much will that be?” he asks.
“Nothing, Sir, it’s on the house.”
A little later, he orders another beer and again is told it’s on the house. After a third pint, he questions the barman.
“Why are all the drinks free today?”
“Oh, it’s quite simple really, Sir,” replies the barman. “The owner of this pub doesn’t know that I know he’s upstairs with my wife. So I’m doing to him down here, what he’s doing to me up there.”
* * *
A fire engine came racing around the corner and disappeared up the road, bells clanging wildly. As it passed The Flying Horse, a drunk staggered out and started chasing it, but after a minute or so he collapsed on the ground breathing heavily.
“Bugger it,” he gasped. “You can keep your bloody ice creams.”
* * *
“Oh Bob,” sighed his wife. “I wish you wouldn’t go down the pub every night. You drink far too much. Here, let me show you something.”
Bob’s wife put two glasses before him, one filled with whisky, the other with water. Into each she dropped a worm. The worm in the water swam around happily while the worm in the whisky had a fit and sank to the bottom, dead.
“There!” said the wife triumphantly. “Now what does that show you?”
Bob looked at the two glasses and replied, “It shows me that if you drink, you won’t get worms. Now I’m off to the pub.”
* * *
“I’m sorry, Sir, you can’t bring that dog into the pub, it’s against the rules,” said the barman.
“Aah, but this isn’t just any dog, this is special. He’ll do anything you ask him,” boasted the customer.
“OK, tell him to go and get me a newspaper.”
The man gave the dog £5 and off he ran. Time went by and the dog didn’t return. After an hour, the owner decided to go and look for it. He roamed the streets for ages, until eventually he found the dog in a dark alley humping a bitch.
“What’s all this about, you’ve never let me down before?” complained the man.
“Maybe,” replied the dog, “but I’ve never had so much money before.”
* * *
A man walked up to the bar and asked for a pint of less.
“Less?” questioned the barmaid, “I’ve never heard of it, is it a new beer?”
“I don’t know,” replied the man. “When I went to the doctor’s this morning, he told me I should drink less.”
* * *
A group of men standing at the bar were watching a bloke sitting in the far corner, surrounded by gorgeous women.
“I can’t understand it,” said one of the onlookers. “What’s he got that the rest of us haven’t?”
The others shook their heads dejectedly.
“I don’t know,” said the barman. “Every day he comes in, he doesn’t have much money, he dresses conservatively, and all he does is sit there licking his eyebrows.”
* * *
A man walks into a bar followed by an alligator. He gets everybody’s attention and then hits the alligator over the head with an empty beer bottle. Ouch! The stunned beast slowly opens his mouth, the man undoes his trousers and puts his dick inside its mouth. He pulls it out just in time before the alligator’s mouth snaps shut.
“Now, ladies and gentlemen,” he announces to a stunned audience. “I dare anyone to do the same for a bet of £100.”
There is a hushed silence and then suddenly an old woman’s voice is heard.
“OK, I’ll take on the bet, but just don’t hit me too hard with the bottle.”
* * *
“Whisky on the rocks, bartender, please,” says the man, and as he gulps it down in one go he takes out a picture from his back pocket.
“Another whisky, please,” and again he gulps it down and looks at the picture in his back pocket. For the next 2 hours he goes through the same routine, time and time again. By the end of the night he turns to stagger out when the bartender taps him on the shoulder.
“Sorry, mate, but I have to ask,” said the bartender. “You’ve ordered whiskies all night and each time you’ve drunk one, you’ve taken out a picture in your back pocket and looked at it. May I ask why?”
“Sure,” replied the man, sounding very pissed. “It’s a picture of my wife and when I think she’s looking good, then it’s time for me to go home.”
* * *
A sailor had been away at sea for six months so as soon as he landed back on shore he headed for the nearest waterfront bar. Inside the ‘Paradiso’ a few men were standing at the bar, a pianist was tinkling on the ivories in the corner and a monkey was hanging from the rafters. The sailor went up to the bar and asked for a beer but before he could take a gulp the monkey swung down and pissed in the glass.
“What!” roared the sailor. “Did you see that? Get me another drink.”
A second pint of beer was put before him and again the monkey swung down and weed all over it.
The sailor was incensed and grabbed the barman by his shirt front, threatening him with all manner of punishment.
“Hold on, mate,” said the barman, “it’s not my monkey, it’s the pianist’s over there. The sailor marched over to the corner and confronted the piano player.
“Do you know your monkey’s pissing in my beer?” he roared.
The pianist thought for a moment and then replied, “No, but if you hum the tune, I’ll soon pick up the melody.”
* * *
Two mates were talking over a pint of beer.
“What’s wrong, Jack, you don’t look so good,” said Bob.
“It’s this bloody toothache, been driving me mad, I just can’t get rid of it.”
“Well, maybe I can help you there. I had a toothache a couple of months ago and believe it or not my wife gave me a blow job and I was cured. Why don’t you try it?”
“Thanks, Jack, I’ll have a go. Will your wife be home tonight?”
* * *
The bar was empty except for two men and very soon they got talking and commenting about “life”.
“Let me tell you something, you can find out a lot about a person very quickly if you know the right question to ask,” said the pompous one.
“Is that so?” replied the dimwitted man. “Tell me more.”
“Well, say for example that I ask you if you have a dog.”
“I do,” he replied.
“Well, in that case I assume you have a backyard to keep it in.”
“I do,” he replied.
“Then I also assume you have a house to go with the backyard.”
“I do, I do,” he replied, quite amazed.
“And if you have a house, I think you’re probably married.”
“I am.”
“So I assume you’re not gay.”
“No, I’m not.”
“So there you are,” said the pompous man. “Just by asking you whether you have a dog I’m able to deduce that you are married, not gay, and live in a house.”
“That’s astounding,” replied the other, “truly astounding.”
A couple of weeks went by and one Thursday lunchtime the dimwitted man found himself back in the same bar. Again it was very quiet apart from a stranger sitting close by.
“Excuse me,” said the man who had been eager to put his newly acquired knowledge to the test. “May I ask you whether you have a dog?”
“No I don’t,” replied the stranger. At that, the man quickly pushed back his chair and headed for the door saying as he went, “Then I’m not stopping round here with a bloody poof.”
* * *
A man walks into a pub, orders a pint of beer and asks the barman if he can borrow the pub’s newspaper and do the crossword.
The barman thinks for a moment and then replies, “I’d just like to ask you a couple of questions first. Tell me, when a sheep dumps why does it come out in little dottles?”
The man shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“OK,” said the barman. “What about cows, why does it come out in a round ‘pat’?”
Again the man shook his head.
“Listen, mate,” said the barman scornfully. “You don’t know shit, so I don’t reckon you’ll be able to do the crossword!”
* * *
A man walks into a pub and the locals ask him if he would like to play bar football.
“Yes,” replies the man, “but what do I have to do?”
“Oh it’s quite easy – drink beer, piss and then fart.”
So the man does as he has been told. Then one of the locals tells him, “If you can do it again, you’ll get an extra point.”
So the man obliges. He drinks the beer, pulls down his trousers to take a piss but before he has time to fart one of the locals shoves his finger up the man’s arse.
“Heh! What the hell’s going on?” asks the man.
“Just blocking the point,” comes the reply.
* * *
A man walks into a bar with a Cornish pasty on his head and asks the barman for a pint of beer. Unable to conceal his curiosity, the barman hands the man the beer and says,
“Excuse me, Sir, I couldn’t help but notice that you have a Cornish pasty on your head.”
“That’s right,” replies the man. “I always have a Cornish pasty on my head on a Thursday.”
“But Sir, it’s Friday today.”
“Oh no!” says the man. “I must look a right prat.”
* * *
A stranger walked into the bar and asked for a pint of beer.
Now it was a very close-knit community and the locals were always suspicious of outsiders so they elected Jack from the nearby farm to find out who he was.
Some minutes later after Jack had chatted to the stranger about the weather, he asked the man what he did.
“I’m a taxidermist,” replied the man, “and I’ve really enjoyed spending time in these parts. Yesterday I stuffed a prizewinning sheep dog, then I mounted Mrs Smith’s goat and today I’m going to have a go at her old pig.”
Jack returned to his mates who were dying to know what had been said.
“It’s alright, chaps,” he replied to their questions. “I thought he said he was a taxi driver but in fact he’s really a shepherd like us, on holiday.”
* * *
A man went into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. When it was placed before him, he exclaimed, “My goodness, an ice cube with a hole in it, that’s new.”
“No it isn’t,” commented a sullen looking man sitting next to him. “I married one.”
* * *
Two men chatting over a pint.
Bob turns to John and says, “You’re looking down in the dumps, what’s wrong?”
“It’s the wife, since she’s started this high-powered job she’s cut our sex down to 3 times a week.”
“You’re lucky,” remarked Bob. “She’s cut me out completely.”
* * *
A man is drinking at the bar when a huge ugly woman sits down on the stool beside him. He ignores her completely and they drink away quietly for over an hour. Suddenly, the woman turns to him and slurs, “If I have another drink, I’m really going to feel it.”
He replies, “To be honest, if I have another drink I probably won’t mind.”
* * *
A man walks into the bar with a monkey and asks for 2 pints of beer.
“We don’t serve monkeys in here,” replies the barman.
“You’ll have to go elsewhere.”
“Oh come on, you can see how quiet he is, there’ll be no trouble,” urges the man.
Eventually the barman gives in and 2 pints are placed on the bar. However, it’s not long before the monkey starts to feel the effects of the beer and he begins to get quite boisterous.
All of a sudden he swings over to the snooker table, picks up the black ball and swallows it. The barman is outraged and orders them both out immediately.
“Heh, I’m really sorry, mate. That ball will have to come out at some point and then I’ll bring it straight back.” True to his word, a couple of days later the man returns, accompanied by the monkey on a lead and of course the black snooker ball. He hands back the ball and orders a couple of pints.
“No way,” says the barman. “Who knows what trouble that monkey of yours will cause this time.”
“No, no, I’ve got him on a lead now, nothing will happen,” replies the man, so the barman serves them. The monkey sits quietly on the stool, supping his beer and occasionally taking a peanut from the dish on the bar. Each time he picks one up, he first sticks it up his backside before putting it in his mouth. The barman looks on astonished and turning to the man he asks, “What’s with your monkey, why does he keep doing that with the peanuts?”
“Oh it’s simple really, after the trouble with the black snooker ball he likes to test the size of the food before he eats it.”
* * *
A Scottish man burst into the local pub with a completely black tongue hanging out of his mouth.
“What’s happened to you?” asked one of his mates.
“A bottle of whisky fell and broke on the hot tar road,” he replied.
* * *
Two penniless alcoholics are desperately seeking some way to get more booze when one of them comes up with a great idea. “Listen, mate, with our last 20p we’ll buy a sausage and I’ll stick it in your flies. Trust me, it can’t fail.” So they do as Sid suggests and then go into a bar and order 2 doubles which they soon put away. When the barman asks for the money Sid gets down on his knees and sucks the sausage sticking out of his mate’s trousers.
“Ugh, you filthy buggers, get out of my bar,” yells the barman, “and don’t let me ever see you in here again.”
The two men successfully repeat the trick all afternoon until they are so sozzled they can’t stand up.
“Bloody hell,” croaks Sid, “what a day…my knees ain’t half sore from kneeling down so often.”
“That’s nothing,” replies his mate. “I lost the sausage after the second pub.”
* * *
A man spends the evening in the pub and by the end of the night he’s so drunk he can hardly walk home. But he sets off and in a befuddled haze decides to take a short cut through the park and climb over the wall. All goes well until the final gate which is topped by sharp glass and shinning over this he badly rips his backside. By the time he gets home, he’s in agony so quietly, without waking the wife, he heads for the bathroom to inspect the damage, clean up the wounds and do a bit of safety first. The next morning he crawls out of bed with a king-sized hangover and an aching arse.
“What did you get up to last night?” accused his wife. “You were horribly drunk.”
“No I wasn’t,” he replied. “What makes you think that?”
“I’ll tell you why. I found all our plasters on the bathroom mirror this morning,” she retorted.
* * *
A man walks up to the bar and asks for an entendre.
“Would you like a single or a double?” asks the barmaid.
“A double please,” he replies.
“OK, Sir, so yours is a large one.”
* * *
A drunk barged into a man looking under the bonnet of his car.
“Anything wrong?” he mumbled.
“Piston broke,” came the reply.
“Same here,” said the drunk.
* * *
A goose waddles into a bar and asks the bartender for a dish of snails.
“This is a pub! We don’t sell snails in here, only drinks” says the bartender, so the goose leaves.
The following day, the goose returns and asks for a dish of snails.
“I told you yesterday, we don’t have snails, so don’t waste my time,” says the bartender impatiently. Again, the goose leaves.
On the next day, the goose reappears and asks for a plate of snails.
“That’s it, that’s bloody it,” snarls the bartender. “Get out and don’t ever come in here again or I’ll nail your beak to the bar.”
“Okay,” says the goose and disappears.
But lo and behold, the goose walks in the next day, looks at the bartender and asks, “Have you got any nails?”
“NO,” bellows the bartender.
“Well, in that case, have you got any snails?”
* * *
A dishevelled looking man walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer.
“Now wait a minute,” says the bartender suspiciously. “Let’s see your money first.”
“Listen mate,” he replies. “I haven’t got any money, but if you give me some beer, I’ll stand up on the bar and fart ‘Blue Suede Shoes’.”
Now the bartender is intrigued by this, so he agrees. The man drinks his beer, gets up on the bar and drops his trousers. Everyone in the pub cheers loudly, but suddenly he starts to shit all over the counter.
“Aaagh!” The customers are so appalled, they immediately get up and leave.
“You fucking prat!” yells the bartender. “You said you were going to fart ‘Blue Suede Shoes’.”
“Now wait a minute,” says the man. “Even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he began to sing.”
* * *
An Irishman walks into a bar with a small green man and orders two pints which they immediately drink and then he orders two more. Meanwhile, further down the bar is a man on his own and when he catches sight of the newcomers, he shouts over, “Heh, who’s that little green man? He’s a bit odd.”
Hearing this, the little green man rushes over, looks the man closely in the face and goes “Slurrpp”.
“Urgh,” says the man, wiping his face, “there’s no need for that.”
“Well, have a bit more respect then” says the Irishman, “he’s a leprechaun.”
An hour later and quite a few drinks later, the man shouts over again, “He’s a bloody ugly bugger, isn’t he?”
The little green man runs over once more and goes “Slurrpp” in his face.
This time, the man loses his temper and bellows, “If that leprechaun does it again I’ll cut his knob off.”
“You can’t,” replies the Irishman, “he hasn’t got one.”
“Well, how does he have a pee then?”
“He doesn’t, he just goes ‘Slurrpp’,” comes the reply.
* * *
A man walked into a bar with a gorilla on a lead.
“I’ve just bought King Kong here as my new pet,” he said “and he’s going to be part of the family. He’ll even sleep in the same bed as me and the wife.”
“But what about the smell?” asked the barman.
“Oh, he’ll just have to get used to it, I did.”
* * *
A man rushes into a bar, orders four double whiskies and gulps them down immediately.
“Wow!” says the bartender. “You must be in a hurry.”
“You would be too, if you had what I’ve got,” he replies.
“Oh really? What’s that?” he asks sympathetically.
“50p.”
* * *
A man walked into the pub with a black eye. “Good heavens,” exclaimed the barman, “What happened? Who gave you that?”
“No one,” replied the man, “I had to fight for it.”
* * *
A man walks into an empty bar and orders a drink. No one comes in so he asks the barman if he can have the TV on and the two of them watch the test match in companionable silence. England are going along nicely until the opposing team put on a fast bowler who takes two wickets in two consecutive overs. The customer turns to the barman and says, “I bet you £5 he doesn’t get a wicket in this over.”
Now the barman had listened to the game earlier, on the radio, and knew the bowler did get his hat-trick. “Okay mate, you’re on,” he says.
The next over begins and as they watch, the third wicket goes down. “Damn, damn, damn,” curses the man. “I don’t believe it,” and he hands over £5.
Suddenly the barman feels very guilty and says, “No mate, keep your money, I listened to the game earlier on today.”
“So did I,” says the customer. “I just didn’t think he could pull it off a second time!”
* * *
A man walks into a pub and orders three pints of beer which he drinks one by one. When he’s finished, he orders another three pints and drinks them in the same way. After doing this for a whole month, the barman’s curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man why he drinks in such a fashion.
“The other two pints are for my brothers who have emigrated to Australia. This is our way of remembering each other.”
Then one day, the man comes in and only orders two pints.
The barman hands them to him and sadly shakes his head.
“I suppose this means you’ve lost one of your brothers, I’m very sorry.”
“Oh no, not at all,” replies the man, “but I’ve had to give up drinking.”
* * *
The miserable old prat had just ordered a pint of beer when he was taken short and had to rush to the toilet. Before leaving, he spat into his pint and announced loudly, “That’s mine.”
A bloke next to him also spat into the pint and said, “You can keep it.”