The parachutist was distraught to find his parachute had failed to open and he was hurtling towards the ground at a fantastic rate. He was sure he was about to meet a sticky end.
Suddenly, as he looked down he saw a group of men standing in a circle. They were shouting, “We’ll catch you, don’t worry, we’ll catch you.”
The relief the man felt was unbelievable, until he looked again at the group and realised they were the English cricket team.
* * *
Three farmers are walking across the mountainside when they spot a field of sheep.
“Heh, there’s some good looking sheep over there,” the first one jokes. I wish one was Jordan.”
“I wish one was Baby Spice,” says the second.
“I wish it was dark,” whispers the third.
* * *
Two men are changing in the dressing rooms after playing a game of badminton. After showering, one of them puts on bra and pants.
“Heh, what’s going on here?” asks his mate, how long have you been wearing these?”
“Ever since my wife found them in my car,” he replies.
* * *
A man went along to a ‘spooks’ evening at the local Town Hall to hear guest speakers talk about their strange experiences. Sitting at the back, he couldn’t hear all that was
being said and he began to doze off when suddenly one of the speakers asked loudly,
“Now come on, don’t be shy, there must be someone here whose had a relationship with a ghost?”
Without thinking, the man put his hand up and was asked to come down to the front.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this gentlemen here has kindly volunteered to tell us about his intimate relationship with a ghost. Please give him a warm hand.”
But the man had come to a sudden halt.
“Ghost!” he exclaimed. “I thought you said goats.”
* * *
A kindly middle-aged woman was walking through the shopping arcade when she saw a scruffy man sitting on one of the benches. Overcome with pity, she went up to him and
put £5 in his hand.
“Here you are, young man, have faith do you hear, have faith.”
A week later, she was walking through the arcade again when the same scruffy man ran up to her.
“I’ve been looking for you,” he said.
“Have Faith came in at 16/1, here’s your winnings” and he put a wad of notes in her hand.
* * *
A man went into the bookies and left his big Alsatian outside tied to a post. Some minutes later, another man came rushing in looking very distraught. He said to the man
“Is that your dog outside?”
“Yes” he replied.
“Oh, bloody hell, I think my dog’s killed him.”
“What!” roared the man “What kind of dog have you got?”
“A peke! but how could a small dog like that kill my dog?” said the puzzled man.
“I think it got stuck in his throat” came the reply.
* * *
A Scotsman, on the way home from a heavy drinking session with his mates, collapses onto a park bench and falls into a very deep stupor. Some time later 2 girls walk past and on seeing him debate whether he has anything under his kilt.
They decide to look and discover he’s stark naked.
“We really ought to leave him a record of our visit,” one says to the other, so giggling with delight they tie a blue ribbon round his willy before moving on. Finally the Scotsman
comes round and staggers behind a bush bursting for a pee.
When he sees the ribbon he smiles and says to it “I don’t know where or what you’ve been up to, but I see you’ve won first prize!”
* * *
The man sat at the bar looking morosely into his pint of beer.
No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, a little voice inside his head kept on and on at him “How could you Bob, how could you sleep with one of your patients!”
Time went by, and a few more pints disappeared down his throat until he began to feel a little better – even the voice inside his head began to mellow.
“OK Bob, I suppose you’re not the first person to sleep with one of their patients and no matter what they say, you’re still the best vet in the district.”
* * *
A man walks into a wine bar, sits down at a table and studies the menu. A couple of minutes later he looks up to see a beautiful waitress standing in front of him. She is so gorgeous that he gasps with pure lust.
“What would you like?” she asks.
“A glass of claret and a quickie please,” he replies, drooling at the mouth. The waitress is so disgusted she storms off but returns a few minutes later when she has calmed down.
Again she asks “What would you like?”
He smiles and says again, “A glass of claret and a quickie please.”
“That’s it” she yells, gives him a sharp slap across the face and stomps off.
The man sits there dumbstruck when suddenly from the next table a fellow customer leans over and whispers
“I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”
* * *
Johnny was looking for his mate Bob Cox and thought he might be having his hair cut. He popped his head round the barber shop door and called out, “Bob Cox in here?”
“Sorry, no” replied the barber, “We only do shaves and haircuts.”
* * *
Did you hear about the beautiful blonde hitchhiker?
A passing motorist picked her up and asked her what she did for a living.
“I’m a magician,” she said.
“Never! Go on prove it” he replied.
So she touched him on his leg and turned him into an hotel.
* * *
An old vicar was retiring and selling his horse so he put an ad in the local newspaper. It wasn’t long before it was bought by Bob who decided to ride it home. But when he mounted up, the horse wouldn’t move.
“I trained this horse from a little foal,” said the vicar.
“He only moves when you say ‘Jesus Christ’ and stops when you say ‘Amen’.”
Bob thanked the vicar and sure enough when he said ‘Jesus Christ’, the horse set off.
On the way home they were caught in a ferocious thunderstorm and the horse bolted when there was a particularly loud crack of thunder. By the time Bob had recovered his wits, the horse was galloping madly through the countryside and it took him a moment or two to remember to say ‘Amen’. Immediately the horse came to a standstill, teetering right on the edge of a deep canyon.
“Jesus Christ!” he said.
* * *
A man walked into the barbers shop and said he wanted his hair to be styled completely different to everyone else.
“Can you part my hair from ear to ear?” he asked.
“If that’s what you want,” replied the barber doubtfully, and the man was given what he wanted.
However, that afternoon he walked back into the shop.
“What’s wrong?” asked the barber. “Are you tired of the style already?”
“No,” he replied angrily, “I’m just fed up with everybody whispering in my nose.”
* * *
Jack, from the neighbouring farm, happened to see his mate Bill gathering in the harvest without any trousers on.
“Hey Bill, how come you’re out here with no trousers on?”
“Well Jack, it’s like this. Last week in that hot sun I was out all afternoon without a shirt on. Bloody hell, I suffered the next day. My neck was as stiff as a plank…so this is my wife’s idea.”
* * *
Did you hear what happened when there was a blackout in London last week?
The musical Oh! Calcutta! was temporarily renamed “Fanny by gaslight.”
* * *
A nymphomaniac was doing her gardening one Sunday afternoon when the wind blew her skirt up to reveal a bare backside. At this moment a dog appeared in the garden and
stuck his tongue in her crotch. Without looking around she whispered,
“Whoever you are, I do the gardening three times a week, Sunday afternoon, Friday and Saturday mornings.”
* * *
“What on earth is that?” said the woman to the waiter.
“It’s pressed tongue, Madam.”
“Good gracious! I could never eat anything that came out of an animal’s mouth. Bring me a boiled egg please.”
* * *
A young, rich lawyer had a very bad car crash. The porsche was a write-off but even worse, the lawyer’s arm had been severed. When the paramedics arrived, they heard him
“My car, oh my poor car.”
“Sir,” said one of the helpers, “I think you should be more concerned about your arm.”
The lawyer looked round and seeing just his shoulder, exclaimed,
“Oh no, my rolex, my rolex.”
* * *
A pompous upper class prat went duck hunting but no matter how hard he tried, it was more than 6 hours before he managed to shoot one down. Delighted at his sudden
luck, he searched for the fallen duck and found it in a nearby field. As he was about to pick it up, a farmer appeared and said aggressively
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m getting my duck,” he replied.
“Oh no you ain’t. This here’s my property so it’s mine.”
“But I’ve spent all day trying to get a duck and you’re not taking it away from me” he spluttered.
And so they argued on, until the farmer came up with a solution:
“Look here, there’s one way we could settle this argument.
We’ll take it in turns to kick each other in the balls and the last man on his feet gets the duck.”
The hunter agreed, and the farmer went first because, as he said, it was his idea. Wearing steel capped, hob nailed boots he aimed carefully at the hunter and gave an almighty kick.
His poor victim turned a sickly white, his eyes disappeared and he gave out the most agonising cry. It took at least 5minutes for him to come to his senses but he bravely stayed
on his feet.
“Right” he gasped “Now it’s my turn.”
The farmer replied,
“Don’t bother, you can have the duck.”
* * *
“Hey George, I had a great dream last night. I dreamt I was in a boat with Bo Derek.”
“Really! How did it go?”
“Oh it was great, we caught a 10 lb salmon.”