Adult Joke Book: Playing Away

A man went to the doctor’s complaining that his wife had such a vigorous sex drive that she was wearing him out. The doctor suggested he bring his wife into the surgery for an examination, so they both turned up the following week.

The wife was told to go into the other room and strip off, but when the doctor went in, he was overcome by her beautiful body and the way she started to tempt him over.

“It’s no good, I can’t help myself,” gasped the doctor and he stripped off frantically and jumped on top of her.

After some time, the groans of pleasure attracted the husband’s attention so he opened the door to see what was going on.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” bellowed the husband.

“I’m, er…, taking her temperature,” replied the flustered doctor.

Taking a gun out of his pocket, the man said, “When you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it then.”

* * *

A tall dark handsome man pops into the vet’s and asks the receptionist how long he will have to wait.

“Oh, about 30 minutes, Mr Wellbeing has two cats and a gerbil to see.”

“Thank you,” replies the man and walks out. Over the next few weeks the man appears several times, asks the same question and then leaves. By this time, the receptionist is so intrigued, she tells the vet and he suggests that next time the man comes in she should follow him when he leaves.

So the receptionist does as she’s asked and on returning says to the vet, “Well, that’s very strange. All he seems to do is go straight round to your house.”

* * *

“How do you like my new suit?” said Steve to his friend.

“Wow! That must have cost a lot of money?”

“I don’t know, it was a present from my wife. When I arrived home early yesterday afternoon, it was hanging over the bottom of the bed.”

* * *

“Jane, that milkman will have to go,” said the enraged husband. “He’s so cheeky, he reckons he’s slept with every woman on this street, except one.”

“Oh, I know who that’ll be,” replied his wife, “It’ll be her at No. 32.”

* * *

“I’m sorry to hear your Dave’s in hospital, I heard it was his knee.”

“That’s right, I found a blonde sitting on it.”

* * *

The man was so angry when he found his wife in bed with another man that he punched him unconscious and took him downstairs and out into the garden shed. When the man came round he found his penis was chained to the ground and beside it was a large knife.

“What are you going to do?” he stammered.

“I’m not going to do anything,” smirked the husband, “but you might want to chop it off to escape the flames when I set fire to this shed.”

* * *

Jack had not long left for work when he realised he’d left some important papers at home, so he drove back and on entering the kitchen, found his wife bending over the cooker. Quick as a flash, he lifted her skirt and unzipped his flies, just as she said without turning round, “Hello, Fred, you’re early this week.”

* * *

The phone rings and the husband answers it.

“No, mate, you want the Met Office.”

“Who was that, darling?” asks the wife.

“I don’t know, I think he wanted the weather forecast, because he asked me if the coast was clear.”

* * *

A man went to the doctor’s in an awful state. Cuts and bruises to his face and a suspected broken arm.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor.

“It’s my wife, she had one of her dreadful nightmares.”

“Do you mean she did this to you while she was asleep?”

“Oh no, doctor, it was when she shouted out in her sleep, ‘Quick, get out, my husband’s coming home,’ that, without thinking, I jumped out of the window.”

* * *

“You never make a noise or cry out when you have an orgasm,” he complained.

“How would you know, you’re never there,” she retorted.

* * *

Following a night of fantastic sex with a woman he picked up in the pub, the man is afraid to go home and face his wife.

“I have a great idea,” says the woman. “Stick these darts in your back pocket and tell her the truth. Trust me, it will be alright.”

So, with trepidation, the man returns home to find his wife in the kitchen waiting for him.

“Okay,” she hisses, “where the hell have you been this time?”

“I’ve been making wonderful love to a beautiful woman, all night long,” he replies.

“You bloody liar, pull the other one. You’ve been with your mates playing darts, I can see them in your back pocket.”

* * *

“What the hell’s going on here?” yelled the angry husband, on finding his wife and the gardener canoodling in the summer house.”

“You see,” said the wife scornfully, “I told you he was stupid.”

* * *

Two men were chatting over the garden wall. The first said,

“You’ll never guess what happened this morning, Tom. My wife was suffering from a hangover, so I went downstairs to make her a cup of tea. Because it was cold, I grabbed the first thing I saw to put on which turned out to be her dressing gown. I was just bending over the fridge to get the milk, when the window cleaner walked in, put his hand up me and grabbed my bum. You can imagine the embarrassment when he realised who I was, it was just an astonishing coincidence that his wife had a dressing gown exactly the same.”

* * *

Samantha had been staying with her sick mother for over a month and on returning home, she discovered her husband had been having an affair. She confronted him, shouting loudly, “Was it Jane, from next door?”


“Was it Emma?”


“Then it must have been Kate.”

“No, you stupid woman. Don’t you think I have any friends of my own?”

* * *

The angry woman marched round to her next door neighbour’s house and confronted her with a set of photographs.

“Look at these, you common tart, this is proof that you’ve been seeing my husband. There’s one of the two of you in bed, this is a picture of you and him in the back seat of the car and this one shows you sitting on his knee. What do you have to say for yourself?” she snarled.

For a few moments, the next-door neighbour looked through the photographs and then said, “Mmm, not bad. I’ll have two copies of the first picture and one each of the other two.”

* * *

It was the same routine every night. Fred would arrive home from the coal mine and jump into the bath that his wife always had ready for him, and then she would lovingly wash his back. However, one evening it all changed. When Fred got into the bath, his wife took a brush to him and scrubbed him till he was red raw.

“Hey, woman,” he yelled. “What’s going on?”

“You tell me,” she retorted. “For as long as I can remember you’ve always walked into the house dead on 6 o’clock, black from head to toe. But tonight, you’re 45 minutes late and a small part of you is white.”

* * *

Old Joe only had moments to live. At his bedside were his family – his wife and four sons, three of whom had blond hair, the other had ginger.

“Em, tell me please, I’ve always wondered why one of our sons had red hair. Is he really my son?”

Emma put her hand on her heart and swore fervently that, yes, he was his son.

“Oh thank goodness,” croaked the old man and he died with a smile on his face.

As the family left the room, the wife sighed deeply.

“Thank heaven he didn’t ask about the other three.”

* * *

A man takes the afternoon off work and comes home unexpectedly to find his wife lying on the bed, naked and out of breath.

“What’s going on?” he asks.

“I think I’m having an asthma attack,” she gasps.

He rushes to the phone to ring for a doctor when his son runs in.

“Daddy, daddy, Uncle Bill is in the wardrobe and he’s got no clothes on.”

“What!” shouts the man, and back up the stairs he rushes to find his brother hiding naked in the wardrobe.

“Why, you bloody prat,” he shouts angrily, “there’s my wife having a severe asthma attack and all you can do is play hide and seek and scare the kids!”

* * *

A man went to an old furniture shop to buy an antique kitchen table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted to buy and asked the price.

“£2,000 sir.”

“Never!” exclaimed the man, “That’s unbelievably expensive.”

“That’s true,” replied the assistant, but this is not just any antique kitchen table, this piece of furniture has special powers.”

“Get away! Show me.”

The assistant went up to the table and said, “How many floors are there in this building?”

Immediately, the table jumped into the air four times, and indeed there were four floors in the building.

The man wasn’t totally convinced.

“OK, ask it how much money I’ve got in my wallet.”

The question was asked and the table jumped up and down eleven times.

“That’s incredible,” said the man. “It’s true, I’ve got two £5 notes and a loose £1 coin. I must have that table.”

So the man paid £2,000 and the antique kitchen table was delivered the next day. While it was being installed, his mate popped over and remarked on the piece of new purchase.

“It’s very special,” said the man. “Here, I’ll show you.” He thought for a moment and then said, “How much money has my wife got in her bank account?”

The table went completely berserk. It started jumping up and down and was still going 30 minutes later.

“But how can that be? Where did she get all that money?” he said, flabbergasted.

Suddenly, the table stopped moving, its legs fell apart and its drawers fell to the floor.

* * *

“Doctor, doctor, I’m having trouble with my todger, can you do anything for me?” said the distressed man.

After a thorough examination the doctor told him that he must have been so sexually active in the past that he’d almost worn it out. The fact is that he’d only got the use of it for another 25 shags. The young man went home to his wife and told her what the doctor had said.

“Oh no!” she cried, “We mustn’t waste any of them, we’ll have to draw up a carefully planned timetable.”

“I’ve already done that,” he said, “on the way home, and there isn’t a slot left for you.”

* * *

The couple had been married a year when the husband was called away on business on the other side of the country. It would mean he would be away for a month so the wife’s friend moved in to keep her company. As it happened, the job finished earlier than expected so he jumped on a plane and on landing rang his wife from the airport. Her friend answered the phone to say that Tracy was in the bath.

“OK, can you tell her I’ll be there about midnight so if she can wear something sheer and sexy we’ll make it a night to remember.”

“OK,” said the friend, “and who shall I say called?”

* * *

The old farmer married a young girl of 18 and after a few months of idyllic married life, he went to see his doctor.

“The problem is I’m having to work many hours on the farm but I have to keep breaking off when I get the urge, to run back to the house, jump into bed and do the business. Then it’s back to work, and it’s knackering me.”

The doctor suggested that his wife should come to see him out in the fields.

“Every time you get the urge,” said the doctor, “fire a shot from your gun to let your wife know you’re waiting for her.

A few months passed and then the doctor met the old farmer in the high street.

“How’s the shotgun plan working?” he asked.

“Oh it was very good at first, but then the duck shooting season started and I haven’t seen her since,” he replied sadly.

* * *

The man rang his wife to tell her he had the afternoon off and would be coming home. The phone was answered by a small boy.

“Hello son, can I speak to mum?”

“No,” said the boy, “mum’s in bed with the milkman and they’ve told me to stay downstairs.”

The man was stunned by the news but after a moment or two he said to the boy, “Son, go and get my shotgun from the garage, load it with two bullets and go and blast them.”

After an agonising 10 minutes the little boy came back onto the phone.

“I’ve done it, dad,” he said.

“Well done, son, I’ll finish off when I get back. Go and have a swim in the pool to clean yourself up and I’ll see you later.”

“But dad, we don’t have a pool,” said the boy.

“What! Hold on, is that 0397 46461?”

* * *

After months of trying, the Office Manager finally managed to persuade his beautiful secretary to come out to dinner with him. Afterwards they went back to her flat and after some coffee and a little foreplay, they jumped into bed. Alas, no matter how hard he tried, he could not get an erection and full of apologies and acute embarrassment, he went home. He got into bed next to his big, fat ugly wife who was snoring her head off and as his body touched her naked flesh, he got a huge erection. Jumping out of bed he looked down at his swollen organ and said sadly, “Now I know why they call you a prick.”

* * *

A man comes home early from work to find his wife in bed with another man.

“Who the bloody hell is this?” he shouts angrily.

“Good question,” she replies. “Say, lover, what’s your name?”

* * *

A man came home early from work to find his wife in bed with another man. The man’s head was lying between the wife’s voluptuous breasts.

“What the bloody hell are you doing?” shouted the husband.

“Listening to some good music,” replied the man calmly.

“Get off, let me hear”, but when the husband put his head between her breasts he couldn’t hear anything.

“Of course not,” replied the man arrogantly. “You’re not plugged in.”

* * *

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband open the front door.

“Quick!” she whispered urgently, “It’s my husband, hide in the wardrobe.”

“Ooh, it’s dark in here,” said a little voice.

“Who’s that?” gasped the man.

“That’s my mum you’ve been with and I’m going to call my dad.”

“Now, now, son, not so hasty. I’m sure we can work this out.”

“OK,” said the small boy. “But it’s going to cost you.”

“How about £5?”

“I’m going to call dad.”

“Well, £10 then.”

“I’m going to call dad.”

“OK, let’s say £20.”

“No, £30.”

“Well, that’s all I’ve got, here you are.” The man handed over the money and made his escape when the coast was clear.

A few days later mum took the little boy to church and as she knelt to pray he wandered off and crept into the confessional.

“Ooh, it’s dark in here,” he said.

“Oh no, don’t start that again,” replied the agitated priest.

* * *

The little boy’s mum had shaved off all her pubic hair, ready to wear her skimpy bikini when they went on holiday.

“Where’s all your hair gone?” asked her son.

“I’ve lost my sponge,” she replied dismissively and told him to go out to play. Sometime later he returned with a big smile on his face.

“Mummy, mummy, am I a good boy for finding your sponge?”

Puzzled, mum asked him where it was and he answered her proudly, “The lady across the road is washing daddy’s face with it.”

* * *

Saturday morning was the time for all the milk accounts to be settled and the task of collecting the money fell to a young man who accompanied the milkman. Number 47 Lansdowne Road was opened by a bored and lonely woman who suggested that instead of paying the £6 bill, she might pay him in sex. The young man agreed, stepped inside and they went into a back room. As she removed her clothes, he dropped his trousers to reveal the biggest todger she’d ever seen. But as she watched, he took a number of washers out of his pocket and slipped them over his massive hardware.

“You don’t have to do that,” she said, “I can take anything you can give me.”

“Maybe,” he replied, “but not for a small bill of just £6.”

* * *

The man came home early from work to find his wife lying naked on the bed, crying her eyes out.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I’ve got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night,” she sobbed.

“Oh come on now! You’ve plenty of clothes,” and with that he went over to the wardrobe. “See here, there’s the nice pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi there Tom, the green silk gown…”

* * *

The simple man was beside himself with anger when he discovered his wife in bed with another man.

“How could you?” he yelled, and taking a gun out of the bottom drawer of the bedside table he placed it to his head and cocked the trigger.

“Don’t Jim, please don’t,” sobbed the woman, “put the gun down.”

Jim replied angrily, “Shut up and start saying your prayers, you’re next.”

* * *

Two men were talking over the garden fence when the fire station’s alarm went off. Immediately, Jack bid his mate goodbye and headed for the gate.

“Heh Jack,” his mate shouted out to him, “how long have you been a volunteer fireman?”

“I’m not,” replied Jack, “but my lover’s husband is.”

* * *

King John was off to the crusades, but before he left, he told his faithful servant that he would leave with him the key of his wife’s chastity belt for safe keeping.

“If you don’t hear from me within five years, you can let her out,” he said.

The King set off, but he’d only been gone an hour when his trusty servant caught up with him.

“Sire, Sire,” he panted. “You gave me the wrong key!”

* * *

An old man was very sad because he had mislaid his favourite hat, so on impulse, he decided to steal one from the church vestibule when morning service was on.

Unfortunately, the verger walked in just as he was about to commit the deadly deed, so he was forced to attend the service. Later, as he came out, he stopped to talk to the vicar.

“Thank you very much for that wonderful sermon on the ten commandments. I had intended to steal a hat but after listening to what you had to say, I decided against it.”

“Well, that makes my job worthwhile,” beamed the vicar. “I suppose it was the commandment ‘Thou shalt not steal’ which stopped you stealing the hat?”

“Oh no, vicar. It was the one which said ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’. As soon as you mentioned it, I remembered where I had left my hat.”

* * *

A man returned home early from work to discover his wife in bed with a naked man. “How dare you!” he bellowed.

“Come here you bastard, I’ll teach you a lesson you won’t forget.”

“Now wait a minute, Tom,” interrupted his wife. “You remember that new car I got last spring? Well, he gave it to me. And that smashing holiday we went on, well, he paid for that. And I think we could do with a new roof on the house soon.”

“Whatever are you thinking of?” replied the husband. “He’ll get cold if you don’t cover him up, and I’m sure he could do with a nice cup of tea.”