“I hope you don’t mind me asking,” said the young American girl to the Scotsman, “but I’ve often wondered what you wear under your kilt.”
The Scotsman replied that if she was really curious to know, then she could put her hand up his kilt and find out for herself.
So, a little apprehensively, she did as he suggested and put her hand under his kilt.
“Aaagh, it’s gruesome,” she screamed, quickly removing her hand.
“Aye, it is that, lass,” replied the Scotsman, “and if you put your hand up again, you’ll find it’s gruesome more.”
* * *
The hotel was holding a prestigious convention. After the first day of meetings, people were going back to their rooms to freshen up for dinner. The lifts were packed solid.
“Which floors please?” called out the attendant.
A voice from the back shouted “Ballroom” and a woman just in front of him replied, “Do forgive me, I didn’t know I was crushing you that much!”
* * *
The plane’s engines are failing and the pilot informs the passengers that the situation is very serious, their only hope is finding a place good enough to try a crash landing.
Most of the passengers turn to the alcohol trolley, determined to get so pissed they won’t feel the pain, but one man alone asks the black stewardess if he can sleep with her.
At first she’s outraged, but then decides that making love is as good a way as any of spending her last few minutes alive.
So they retire to the back of the plane and get down to it.
After a moment or so, she asks him why he chose her instead of getting drunk like the rest of them.
“Well, I’ve always been told that the only part of the plane which survives a crash is the black box, so I reckoned I’d be in it when the plane went down.”
* * *
The big game hunter, out on safari, came across a naked woman stretched out on the ground.
He said, “Excuse me, Miss, are you game?”
“I sure am,” she said.
So he shot her.
* * *
A businessman books into a country hotel, asks for breakfast at 8.30 and requests a girl to come to his room after dinner that night. “That’s outrageous!” says the wife. “What sort of hotel does he think we are running? Go and tell him, Fred.”
But her husband thinks it’s a lot of fuss about nothing and tells her so.
“Okay, if you won’t go, then I will”, and she disappears up to his room.
Some time later, the man appears in the bar for a nightcap and seeing the husband, he comments, “My goodness, that was quite a woman you sent up. I like the hard-to-get type, it’s more fun, particularly in the end when they surrender.”
* * *
Staying overnight at a prestigious hotel, the couple were disturbed by the dreadful noise coming from downstairs.
The man was soon on the phone to reception.
“What’s all this noise about, I’ve spent a lot of money coming here and I don’t expect to be kept awake all night by that racket.”
“I’m very sorry, Sir,” said the receptionist, “they’re holding the Policeman’s Ball.”
“Well, tell them to leave the bugger alone, so we can get some sleep.”
* * *
A vicar booked into an hotel for the night on his way back from a convention. After supper, he got talking to the woman behind the bar, called Maisie, and invited her up to his room when she’d finished work.
At one o’clock, there was a knock on his door and she walked in carrying a bottle of champagne. By the time it was half empty, they were in bed enjoying themselves. Suddenly, she turned to him and said, “I’m not sure this is right, you being a man of the cloth.”
“No need to worry,” he replied. “I read about it in this Gideon Bible here.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“Well, on the inside front cover it says, ‘If you want a good fuck, ask Maisie in the bar.’ ”
* * *
A seaman is given 10 days’ shore leave in Thailand and every night he hits the high spots – drinking and whoring non-stop.
However, towards the end of his leave he realises there’s something wrong with him so he goes to see a European doctor.
“I’m afraid you have picked up a new and virulent sexual disease. It means you will have to have your penis surgically removed.”
Horrified, the man goes to see another European doctor but the diagnosis is the same.
Walking slowly back to his ship, he loses his way down the many back alleys and discovers the premises of an old Thai doctor. Desperate for better news, he goes in and is examined thoroughly.
“You do not need to have your penis surgically removed,” says the doctor “that is just a way for these foreigners to make more money.”
Overjoyed, the man replies, “Then everything is going to be alright?”
“Oh no,” says the doctor. “I mean your penis will just drop off on its own in a few days’ time.”
* * *
A professor and a young girl find themselves travelling in the same railway carriage as they race through England’s green and pleasant land. The girl starts to get aroused when she notices all the animals in the fields are humping each other and she asks the professor how they become attracted.
“That’s very simple, my dear,” replies the professor, “the female gives off a sexual odour which tells the male that she is interested.”
The professor goes back to reading his book and they soon arrive at their destination.
“I hope we meet again one day,” he says as they part company.
“Only if you get your sense of smell back,” she retorts.
* * *
Three hunters out on safari were caught by a tribe of ferocious indians.
“You will all die,” said the chief, “but you will die in a manner reflecting what you were on earth. What did you do?” he asked the first hunter.
“I was a surgeon,” he replied.
“OK, you will die by having your penis amputated.”
He turned to the second man and asked him the same question.
“I was a fireman.”
“OK, you will die by having your penis burnt off.”
“And you?” said the chief to the third hunter.
“Oh, I was a lollipop man,” replied the man, smiling.
* * *
“Ladies and Gentlemen, we’re only 20 minutes from landing, I hope you’ve enjoyed the flight and in a few moments I’ll ask you to fasten your seat belts,” said the pilot.
However, he forgot to turn the microphone off and the passengers then heard him turn to his co-pilot and say, “Well, Jack, I can’t wait to get down. I shall finish up the paperwork and then take that gorgeous new air stewardess back to my place for a good shagging.”
Hearing this, the poor air stewardess blushed madly and rushed up the aisle to warn him, but on the way, she tripped over a bag and fell sprawling on the floor. An old lady sitting next to the aisle, bent down and whispered to her.
“It’s all right, dear, you’ve got plenty of time. He’s got to finish his paperwork first.”
* * *
A tough looking cowboy stormed into the saloon, guns swinging from both hips, and bellowed, “Whoever pinched my horse, the fucking bastard better have it back here in 5 minutes or I’ll be forced to do what I did in Denver.”
He sat down, had a drink and after 5 minutes went to the saloon doors and sure enough, the horse had been returned.
As the man was about to leave, the barman beckoned him over.
“Before you go, what did happen in Denver?”
“I had to walk,” he replied.
* * *
A taxi driver was taking an attractive girl home when his cab failed. He got out to see what the trouble was and shortly afterwards the girl got out too and peered over his shoulder.
“Do you want a screwdriver?” she asked.
“Don’t mind if I do,” he replied. “Just a moment while I close the bonnet.”
* * *
I’m sorry, Sir, all our en-suite rooms are taken. Do you mind sharing a bath with another of the male guests?” said the hotel receptionist to the simple man.
“Not at all,” he replied, “as long as he keeps to his end of the bath.”
* * *
A man was driving along in a remote part of Scotland when he was flagged down by a really ugly looking woman. She called to him, “Come and make love to me or drive on to success.”
It wasn’t difficult decision and the man carried on.
Sometime later he was flagged down by another woman, slightly better than the first, and she called out to him, “Come and make love to me or drive on to success.”
The man continued on and over the next 20 miles he was flagged down by 4 different women, each one better than the one before. The fourth woman was the most attractive he’d ever seen but when she cried, “Let’s make love now or you can drive on to success” he reluctantly passed her by in anticipation of the more beautiful girl he would meet next.
However, as he came round a sharp bend in the road he was brought to a stop by a huge ape-like looking man who was so dirty and smelly it was impossible to get near him.
“Who are you?” asked the man.
“Oh I’m Cess,” he replied, winking.
* * *
A middle-aged man and a woman with a baby found themselves travelling in the same railway carriage.
“What a bonny baby,” commented the man.
“Thank you,” replied the woman. “She’s very special to me because I waited for over 10 years of marriage before she came along.”
“Well, your patience has been rewarded,” he said. “A bit like me really. I breed racing pigeons but it took me more than 15 years before I started producing champions.”
“Why’s that?” asked the woman.
“Oh, I finally changed the cock.”
“Really! That’s what I did,” she replied.
* * *
It is the highlight of the holiday. The small group of tourists are off on safari which is to last two days. After travelling many miles the first day, they make camp in a small clearing, have some supper and retire to their tents. However, in the middle of the night a gorilla wanders into the camp and walks into a tent where a young, shy girl is sleeping. Before she knows what is happening he’s picked her up and given her a good rogering before disappearing as quickly as he came. The sound of her cries alert the rest of the party and when she tells them what has happened, they immediately take her to hospital, where she spends a week in a state of shock. A little while later, the leader of the safari comes to see her to find out how she’s coping.
“It’s awful,” she replies tearfully. “I’ve heard nothing from him, no phone call, no letter, nothing.”
* * *
A simple man was sitting at the bar, chuckling into his pint of beer. Eventually the barman was so curious he came over to ask what was so funny.
“It’s my wife,” laughed the man. “She’s gone off to Spain for a holiday but she really is so thick. I watched her pack her suitcase and she put in 5 packets of condoms! And she doesn’t even have a willy.”
* * *
It’s been 3 months since the sailor was stranded alone on the desert island. Then without warning he sees a barrel floating to shore, carrying a gorgeous naked lady.
“I bet I can guess what you want,” she says, smiling.
“Oh no,” he gasps happily, “don’t tell me you’ve got rum in that barrel.”
* * *
The taxi was travelling at over 90 mph through the middle of the town when the male passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder.
“Heh, what’s all the rushing for? Slow down a bit.”
“Sorry, mate, I thought I heard someone shout ‘faster, faster’,”, said the taxi driver.
“Well, you heard right, but she wasn’t talking to you!” came the reply.
* * *
Three blokes landed up at their ski resort a day early and discovered their rooms would not be ready until the following day. The only accommodation available that night was one room with a large king sized bed. The three men decided they could put up with sharing a bed for one night so they booked in. The next morning the man on the far left said, “I had such a strange night, I dreamt I was wanking like mad all night, yet it seemed to be happening without me using my hands.”
“Bloody hell,” said the man on the far right, I had exactly the same dream, that’s really weird. How about you, Johnny? Did you also have that dream?”
“No, mate,” replied Johnny, “I just dreamt I was skiing all night!”
* * *
A dedicated professor of music decided to go deep into the African jungle to test his theory that wild animals could be tamed by playing them beautiful music. Sure enough, his theory proved to be true. As he began playing a beautiful piece of classical music on his violin, he soon had an appreciative audience – two giraffes, three snakes, four zebras and a host of monkeys. All of a sudden, a lion roared into the middle of them and bit off the professor’s head.
“Why did you do that?” complained the other animals. “That was beautiful music and you’ve gone and spoilt it.”
The lion put a paw to his ear and said “What?”
* * *
During his holiday in Germany, the man met a high-class prostitute, they had a few drinks and then went back to her place where sex was performed all over the house and in every position possible. The next morning he thanked her profusely for such good German hospitality and headed for the door.
“Just a moment,” she said. “What about the marks?”
“Oh right,” he said. “I’d give it nine out of 10.”
* * *
Two men are sitting opposite each other in a railway compartment. The younger of the two asks his companion if he has the time. There is no answer. Again and again he asks but gets no reply.
Eventually the man taps him on the knee and shouts, “Do you have the time please?”
“Yes, it’s half past three,” replies the older man.
“Thank you, but why did you take so long to answer?”
“Well, it’s like this. Once I’d told you the time, we’d get talking, become friends, find we had something in common… then I’d invite you to visit us, you’d meet our beautiful daughter, fall in love with her and want to get married. And to be honest with you, I don’t want to have son-in-law who hasn’t even got a watch.”
* * *
An old, smelly drunken man gets on a bus and sits down next to a very refined middle-aged woman. She turns to him and says contemptuously, “My man, you are going straight to hell.”
He jumps up immediately and shouts to the conductor, “Fuck me, I’m on the wrong bus!”
* * *
A blind man stood at the edge of the pavement, waiting to cross the road, when his guide dog weed all down the side of his leg.
The man immediately took a biscuit from his pocket and gave it to the dog. An onlooker turned to him and said,
“That’s very good of you, considering he just soaked your leg.”
“Not really,” replied the blind man. “I’m just finding out where his mouth is so that I can kick him in the balls.”
* * *
A group of tourists were on a coach trip through California when the guide’s voice came over the microphone.
“If you look to your left you’ll see we’re just passing the most famous whorehouse in the West.”
“But why?” replied one of the sightseers.
* * *
How can you tell if a motorcyclist is happy?
By seeing all the insects on his teeth.
* * *
On a walking holiday over Dartmoor, a man comes across a naked youth tied to a tree.
“Oh thank goodness you’ve found me,” exclaims the youth.
“I was out for a day’s walk when I got attacked by two bastards who robbed me of everything I had, and even took my clothes. It’s been a bloody nightmare.”
The walker looked at the boy and smiled.
“It’s just not your day, is it, son?” he said, unbuckling his trousers.
* * *
Three men get captured in the jungle by cannibals and are taken back to the big Chief who immediately gets out his penis and tells them that if their 3 penises together can match his, then they will be set free. Now the cannibal chief has a 22 inch donger so the first man gets his out and it measures 11 inches. The second man reveals his and it’s 9 inches. Only another 2 inches are needed so the men are feeling quietly confident when the third man drops his trousers and produces a pathetic example of manhood.
However, it just makes 2 inches so the men are set free. Later on, back at camp, the first man says to his companions, “It’s a good thing mine was 11 inches.”
“It’s lucky mine was 9 inches,” says the second.
“And it’s a bloody good thing I had an erection,” answers the third.
* * *
A plane crashes in deepest, darkest Africa and there are only five survivors – four men and one woman. It soon becomes obvious that they will never be rescued so they decide to start a small community and make the most of what they have. All goes well for a while except that they all get sexually frustrated and eventually come to an agreement that the woman will spend one week with each man in turn. As it happens, this works very well until three years later the woman falls sick and dies. It turns out to be disastrous for the men. The first week proves difficult, the second awful, the third horrifying and the fourth so impossible that at the beginning of the fifth week, they bury her.
* * *
A woman gets onto the train and finds herself sitting opposite a very handsome, sexy man. She smiles at him but gets no reaction. Surprised, she undoes the two top buttons of her blouse revealing more than a little cleavage, hitches up her skirt to show a good deal of thigh but still there is no reaction. By this time, feeling very angry and frustrated, she drops her knickers and straddles his face.
“Aah,” smiles the man, “I may be blind but the smell tells me I’ve arrived at my stop – this must be Grimsby.”
* * *
Jack was in Paris attending a conference on cabinet making.
After the session was finished he decided to have a coffee in one of the many pavement cafés along the Champs-Élysées.
He hadn’t been there long when a beautiful girl walked by, smiled at him and sat down opposite. Unfortunately she could not speak any English at all, so he took a pen and paper from his briefcase and drew a cup of coffee followed by a question mark. She nodded and he ordered another cup. Later he drew a taxi and again she nodded so they were soon sitting in a cab touring the Left Bank and the sights of Paris. Towards evening he drew a table with wine and food and it wasn’t long before they were enjoying a beautiful meal in one of the finest Parisian restaurants. As the meal came to an end, the girl took the pen from Jack and drew a fourposter bed.
“Why, that’s amazing,” he said. “How on earth did you know I was in the furniture business?”
* * *
The train was very crowded as the woman travelled home from work but as she peered through the mass of people she was sure she could see her husband. Pushing her way through the crowds she came up behind him and gave him a lip-smacking kiss on the back of his neck. To her dismay, when he turned round she realised it wasn’t her husband.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” she gasped, feeling shocked and confused, “it’s just that your head looks like my husband’s behind.”
* * *
It’s the 7.55 service from Paddington to Plymouth and a man finds himself sat across the aisle from a beautiful woman.
She is reading a large book and as he looks closer at it he realises it’s a book on sexual statistics.
“That looks an interesting book,” he remarks.
She smiles at him and says, “Yes indeed. There are some fascinating facts here. For instance, it says that on average an Italian has the longest penis and a German has the biggest in diameter. By the way, my name’s Sharon, what’s yours?”
* * *
Two parachutists are getting ready to jump and one of them can’t help but notice that his companion is wearing dark glasses and holding the lead of a guide dog.
He speaks “May I just say that you have enormous courage to jump when you are blind. I have nothing but the greatest admiration for you. By the way, how do you know when you’re near the ground?”
The other replied. “When the lead goes slack.”
* * *
A Russian couple are walking along the road when a car full of tourists pulls up beside them.
“Excuse me, do you speak English?” asks one of the passengers in the car.
The couple just look blank and shrug their shoulders.
“Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” they ask. Still no response.
Within the next 30 seconds, the people in the car go through five different languages – French, Italian, Spanish, Chinese and Polish – but still the couple look at them uncomprehending. Eventually the tourists give up and drive away and the Russian woman turns to her companion and remarks, “It must be wonderful to speak so many different languages.”
“Rubbish,” replies the other. “It didn’t get them very far.”
* * *
It was a foul night and the small boat was sailing perilously close to the rocks. Suddenly the captain shouted to his passengers, “Does anyone know how to pray?”
“Yes, I do,” said a pious looking man at the back.
“Okay, you pray and the rest of us will put on life jackets – you see, we’re one short.”
* * *
Due to severe weather conditions some of the scheduled flights had to be cancelled and the passengers found seats on other services. One particular flight to Los Angeles was postponed indefinitely and the ground staff were frantically trying to get the passengers re-booked. As the passengers waited in line, one arrogant man strode to the front of the queue and demanded immediate attention.
“I must have a first-class seat on the next flight,” he demanded, “I can’t wait here all day.”
“Excuse me, Sir, we’re going as quickly as we can. If you’d like to get back into the queue we’ll see to you as soon as possible,” said the airline attendant.
“How dare you dismiss me, young lady!” he spluttered, “Do you know who I am?”
“No, I don’t,” she said, “but there’s no need to panic,” and with that, she picked up the microphone and sent out a message over the public address system.
“May I have your attention please. I have a passenger at Gate 11 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help, please come to the gate as soon as you can. Thank you.”
* * *
A ladies’ man stops for the night at a country hotel and as he signs in, he notices a beautiful blonde sitting alone at the hotel bar. While the receptionist is sorting out the paperwork, he saunters over to the blonde and returns a couple of minutes later with the girl on his arm.
Grinning, he says to the receptionist, “Would you believe it!
I’ve just bumped into my wife, so we’d better have a double room.”
The following morning, he goes to pay his bill and discovers it’s for more than £2,000.
“What the hell’s this for?” he splutters. “I’ve only been here one night.”
“Of course, Sir, but your wife has been here for more than a week!”
* * *
A man moves to a small town out in the middle of the bush and after a few days he asks the locals what they do for sex.
“Shag sheep,” comes the reply.
Horrified at the thought, the man ignores them, but two months later with no sign of any female company he eventually gives way and goes out to find himself a little sheep. He takes it back to his place and spends the night in pleasure.
The next morning, feeling much revived, he takes the sheep to the local bar for a drink but when he walks in he’s faced with a deadly silence. At last, he can stand it no more and shouts loudly,
“What the fuck are you all staring at? It’s you lot who told me this is what you do.”
“That’s right,” one of them replies, “but not with the Mayor’s special friend.”
* * *
Travelling through Wales, an Australian tourist spots a farmer with the back legs of a sheep stuck down his wellingtons.
“G’day,” says the tourist, “are you shearing that sheep?”
“Not bloody likely,” replies the farmer. “Catch one of your own.”
* * *
Three men find themselves sharing a railway carriage to London.
Two are brothers, the third is a GI soldier.
“Heh! You’re American, aren’t you?” asks one of the brothers.
“I sure am,” he replies. “I’m on leave and I’m going to visit this gal in London.”
“What did he say?” asks the other brother, who has very bad hearing problems.
“He says he’s going to London to see a girl,” shouts the other brother.
“She must be very special for you to come all this way,” continues the brother.
“She sure is.”
“What’s he saying?” asks the deaf brother.
“He says his girl is very special.”
“Yep, as soon as she sees me, she rips my clothes off and does things with her little box of tricks that I’ve only ever dreamed about. My Patsy’s a real goer,” enthuses the soldier, leaning forwards in his seat.
“What’s he saying?” interrupts the deaf brother. “He says he knows our sister,” came the reply.
* * *
A voluptuous young lady got on the bus but discovered she couldn’t climb the stairs because of her tight skirt. She reached behind her and undid the zipper but it didn’t seem to make any difference. So she reached behind her a second time and pulled the zipper down again. All of a sudden, the man standing behind lifted her up and put her on the top step.
“Heh!” she protested. “How dare you!”
“Hold on a minute,” he replied. “Once you’d unzipped my fly for the second time, I reckoned we were good friends.”
* * *
The white missionary had lived in the African village for more than two years. Everything had gone well until one morning, when the Chief sent his men to bring the man before him. He looked at the missionary angrily and said,
“Last night, my mother’s sister’s daughter gave birth to a baby. The baby was white and you are the only white man here. Tonight, you will be tied to that post and burned alive.”
After his initial panic, the missionary beckoned the Chief to one side and spoke to him in a low voice.
“Chief, if you look beyond the village, you can see all the sheep grazing on the hill. They are all white except for one black sheep, and there are no other black sheep in the flock. You see what I mean when I say it looks bad.”
“Okay, okay,” replied the Chief, flustered. “If you don’t tell, then I won’t tell.”
* * *
Two couples who had been friends for over 20 years decided to go camping together to Dartmoor. On the first night around the campfire they ate and drank well, and were about to retire to their tents when one of the men said, “What do you reckon to all this swapping around then?”
The others got quite enthused about the idea so they decided to try it. A few hours later, one of the men turned to his partner and said, “That was great, I haven’t had so much fun in ages, I wonder how the girls got on.”
* * *
“This lorry is travelling along the motorway when suddenly a car goes past beeping its horn frantically. The lorry driver pulls down his window and shouts, “What’s up?”
“You’re losing your load.”
“You daft prat!” he bellows. “I’m gritting the road.”
* * *
A couple were driving through remote countryside on a beautiful sunny day when they came across a quaint old pub.
They walked into the empty bar and asked the barman what time he opened. “The bar won’t be open for another twenty minutes,” he said.
“In that case, do you mind if we sit in your garden and wait?” they asked.
“Not at all,” he replied. “Would you like a drink while you’re waiting?”