Johnny’s time at the pickle factory didn’t last long. He’d only been there a week when he came home looking very agitated.
“What’s wrong?” asked his friend.
“I’ve got this terrible urge to put my willy in the pickle slicer.”
“Aagh! it’ll all end in tears, you’ve got to overcome this feeling.” Johnny promised he’d try but a couple of weeks later he came back looking well pissed off.
“What’s wrong, you didn’t weaken and put your willy in the pickle slicer.”
“I did,” replied Johnny, “and you were right, it did end in tears. I got the sack and the pickle slicer – she was fired too.”
* * *
Johnny goes to work on a farm and is put in charge of the sheep. To his dismay he cannot get them to lamb so seeks advice from an old mate, brought up in country ways.
“Get your sheep in the tractor, take them up to the top of the moors at the dead of night and shag them yourself,” says the friend. “Then in the morning if they’re lying down they’ll be pregnant.”
So that night Johnny does as he’s been told, takes them up to the moors in his tractor and gives them all a good shagging.
Next morning he looks out of his window but they’re all standing up. So next day he tries again, takes them up the moors in his tractor, does the business, but the next morning they’re still all standing up. The following night he goes through the routine again but the next morning he’s woken up by a terrible noise.
“Bloody hell,” he curses, looking down into the farmyard.
The sheep are all sat in the tractor sounding the horn.
* * *
Johnny tried many different jobs in his younger days. One afternoon he went into the theatrical agent’s.
“Yes?” said the agent. “What do you do?”
“Bird impressions,” he replied.
“Bloody hell, not another one. Go on, get on with it,” said the agent.
So Johnny flapped his wings, shat all over the agent’s desk and jumped out of the window.
* * *
It was the young girl’s first day in her new job as P.A. to the company director. Before she was called in to his room one of the other secretaries took her aside.
“I think I ought to warn you that your new boss is a right old randy devil. He’ll rip your dress off at the first opportunity.”
“Thanks for warning me,” replied the girl. I’ll remember to wear an old dress in future.”
* * *
A young man was told to do the rounds with the old experienced salesman so that he would learn the tricks of the trade. Every time they arrived at a prospective customer, the young man noticed the salesman would always make the sign of the cross before going in – and then more often than not he would make a sale. At last he commented, “I didn’t know you had to be a Catholic to do this job.”
“I’m not,” replied the salesman, “but never see a client before checking your glasses, your wallet, your pen and your flies.”
* * *
The recruiting officer was giving a lecture on survival to an adult education class at the local college. He laid out all the items from his knapsack including flares, water, chocolate, torch, map, warm clothing etc. plus a pack of cards.
“What are the cards for?” asked one bright spark.
“Ah ha,” replied the officer. “Once you’ve tried all other means of survival, take your pack of cards and lay out a game of patience. You can lay odds that after a couple of minutes some bugger will come along and say black eight on the red nine!”
* * *
A flirty young farmer’s daughter took her father’s prize cows over to the neighbouring farm to be serviced by their bull.
The handsome farmhand brought in the bull and before long there was a flurry of activity.
“Cor, I wish I was doing that,” said the farmhand feverishly.
“Well, it’s alright by me,” replied the girl, smiling coyly.
“Thanks,” he said, “but maybe the cow wouldn’t like it.”
* * *
It was like a scene from Baywatch. Three girls were being interviewed for the job of lifeguard and each was asked the question: “What would you do if you saw someone fall off a boat?”
The first said she would race immediately into the water and swim out to rescue them.
The second said she would radio for a medical team to be waiting and then swim out to rescue them.
The third said she would get one of the other lifeguards to go out while she waited on shore for help.
Now which girl got the job?
Why! the one with big tits of course.
* * *
It was Open Day on the farm and visitors were being taken round on guided tours. One group was led by a simple minded youth and in the party was a ventriloquist who thought he’d have some fun. Arriving at the horses, the ventriloquist used his voice to make it look as if the horse was saying “Hello there, welcome to our farm.”
They moved on to the cows and he made one of the cows look as if it was saying “They’ve moved us onto the worst field in the farm.”
Then the pigs said, “Yes, but it’s that dog keeps upsetting the young ones.”
By this time the simple farmhand is sweating with anxiety.
“Now look here,” he says to the group as they move towards the sheep pen. “Don’t believe a word those sheep tell you.”
* * *
The young man was obsessed by the beautiful secretary in his office. He just had to kiss her and touch her body and …
One day, he plucked up the courage to speak to her.
“I think you’re so gorgeous, if I paid you £250, would you come into the storeroom with me so that I can kiss you and rub my hands up and down your body?”
Now the girl liked money a lot, so she agreed and they disappeared into the storeroom. For the next 10 minutes, he showered her with kisses, unbuttoning her blouse and ravishing her breasts, but all the time, he kept murmuring, “I don’t know, I don’t know.”
Eventually, she asked, “Why do you keep saying ‘I don’t know?”
“Well, I don’t know how I’m going to pay you”, he replied.
* * *
The electrician remarked to his apprentice, “You’ll see all sorts of things in this job, lad, but just keep your mind on the work and above all, use tact. Let me give you an example. I was asked to install a new light fitting in number 43 but when I went in, a naked lady was in the shower. I immediately turned round and left, saying, “Excuse me, Sir. Now that is tact!”
A couple of weeks later, the electrician and his apprentice were called to a house on the Vale Estate. They were asked to install new wiring. The electrician asked his apprentice to check out the rooms upstairs but when he came back down, he had two black eyes and a bloody nose.
“What happened to you?” exclaimed the electrician.
“You and your bloody tact,” sobbed the boy. “I went into this bedroom and there was a naked couple lying on the bed so I quickly tried to leave, saying
“Excuse me, gentlemen” and that’s when they hit me!”
* * *
After spending six months in a desert outpost, the new recruit goes to see his commanding officer.
“I’m sorry, Sir, but this place is driving me nuts. If only we had some female company.”
“Well, I can’t do anything about that, son,” replies the officer, “but we do have something else. There’s a barrel over there with a hole in the side and you’ll find that will help to relieve your frustrations. You’re free to use it any day but Wednesday.”
“Thank you, Sir,” replies the recruit, “but why can’t I use it on Wednesday?”
“Well, it’s all based on a sharing system and on Wednesdays it’s your turn in the barrel.”
* * *
The simpleton’s car broke down and the garage man arrived to take a look at it.
“Oh yeah, shit in the carburettor,” said the mechanic.
“Really, how often will I have to do that?” he replied.
* * *
“You can use my Dictaphone,” said the office Casanova to the new secretary.
“No thanks, I’ll use my finger like everyone else,” she replied.
* * *
The milkman delivers the milk the day before Christmas and rings the bell of number 11, hoping for a festive tip. As the door opens, he sees a beautiful woman standing there wearing a see-through nightie. She takes him by the hand and guides him upstairs where she makes mad passionate love to him.
At the end of the session, they return downstairs where she cooks a delicious fried breakfast and hands him £1.
“I don’t understand” says the puzzled milkman. “What’s going on?”
She replies, “When I asked my husband whether I should give you a £5 tip, he replied, ‘Fuck the milkman and give him £1.’ The breakfast was my idea.”
* * *
“Help, help,” sobbed the simple lad. “I’ve cut my finger off in that machine.”
“How on earth did you manage that?” said his mate.
“Well, I just put my finger on that spinning wheel…aah…there goes another one.”
* * *
Camp Ordeal certainly lived up to its name. New recruits to this remote army base dreaded the posting.
One night there was a surprise inspection. The bugle was blown and the young soldiers ran swiftly to quadrangle where they lined up, most of them naked because there wasn’t time to put anything on. As the sergeant major walked down the line, he saw that one soldier had a huge erection and quick as a flash he thumped it hard with his baton.
To his amazement, the soldier remained standing perfectly still with a blank look on his face.
“Bloody hell,” cursed the sergeant major, “I just swatted your penis and you stand there unaffected.”
The soldier replied, “It’s not mine sir, it belongs to the man behind.”
* * *
The young lad was taken on by the local newspaper as a trainee journalist. After a few weeks sweeping up, answering the telephone and generally tidying up, he was sent out on his first assignment. He was off to interview the attendant at the public toilets who had been working there for fifty years.
“I expect you’ve seen a lot of changes in your time?” asked the boy.
“Oh yes indeed,” replied the man, “It’s not like it used to be.
These days, the kids come in to take drugs – ecstasy, smoke some grass, snort cocaine, even put the needles in themselves.” He shook his head sadly and beckoned the boy a bit closer. “To be quite honest with you, now if they come in for a shit, it’s a breath of fresh air.”
* * *
Bob Bright was a trainee manager in the town’s largest supermarket. He was doing well, although one day he almost met his match. A customer approached him and asked for half an apple. When he was told this was impossible, the customer insisted and was beginning to make quite a scene. Bob went off to check with his boss.
“Mr Blake, sir, there’s some crazy prat out there who wants to buy half an apple.”
As he finished speaking, he noticed the customer had followed him in, so he very quickly said, “And this customer would like to buy the other half.”
“Then do it,” said the boss.
A few weeks went by until one day Bob was called to the boss’s office.” Aah! there you are, Bob. I was so impressed with the way you handled that awkward situation the other day – such quick thinking – that I’ve secured you a manager’s position in one of our smaller outlets in New Greentown.”
“What!” exclaimed the man. “But there’s nothing in New Greentown except for whores and body builders.”
“Now listen, Bob, my wife comes from there!” Quick as a flash, Bob replied, “Really, Sir, body building’s fascinating, did your wife win any prizes?”
* * *
To avoid being called up for active duty two men pulled all their teeth out before going in for their medical examination. On this particular morning there were just 3 of them – the two friends and a dirty looking tramp.
The first friend stood before the doctor and told him he had no teeth. The doctor put his finger in the man’s mouth, ran it around his gums and agreed that he was not fit for active duty.
The doctor then turned to the tramp who told him he had very very painful piles.
“OK,” said the doctor, “drop your trousers and turn round so that I can examine you.”
The tramp did as he was told and the doctor stuck his finger up the man’s arse and felt around.
“Mmm, they are bad,” said the doctor. “You’ve failed the test as well.”
He then turned to the second friend and said, “What’s wrong with you?”
The man looked at the doctor’s finger and shook his head vigorously.
“Nothing, nothing at all, doctor.”
* * *
The Social Security said to Johnny, “Why don’t you get a job?”
“What for?” he replied.
“So you can put some money in the bank until one day you’ll have enough to retire and you can stop working.”
“But I’m not working now,” he retorted.
* * *
A big strapping boy went up to the big house for a job as a handyman but returned home very disappointed.
“Oh, dad, I’m so ashamed, I really made a cock up.”
“How come, son?”
“The lady was very nice, she asked me lots of questions, seemed pleased with what I had to say, I told her I was a hard worker but then right at the end she asked to see my testimonials…that’s when I lost it!”