A man shouted to his wife, “Lisa, come here a minute and have a look at my grandfather clock.”
Lisa walks in to find her husband with his trousers round his ankles and his dick standing to attention.
“What are you playing at?” she demands. “That’s no grandfather clock.”
“It will be when you put two hands and a face on it,” he replied.
* * *
It’s late at night and the husband and wife are in bed. She’s just about to fall asleep when he whispers in her ear.
“How about a little loving then?”
“Oh no,” she replies. “I have to see the gynaecologist tomorrow so I don’t want any foreign bodies.”
A couple of minutes go by and he nudges her again, saying, “You don’t have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do you?”
* * *
Did you hear about the man who had “I love you” tattooed on his dick?
That night in bed, he turned to his wife and said, “What do you think of this, Sal?”
“There you go,” she exclaimed, “always trying to put words in my mouth.”
* * *
“Come on, Josie,” said Jack. “Let’s have an early night, I’ve got a full head of steam here.”
Josie wasn’t too willing but in the end agreed and they went up to bed. Josie put on a long nightdress.
“Come on, Josie, take that nightgown off,” pleaded Jack but just at that moment the phone went and Jack went down to answer it. Quick as a flash, Josie barricaded the door and jumped into bed. When Jack returned and found he couldn’t get in, he yelled with anger.
“Come on, Josie, let me in or I’ll break the door down.”
“Oh yeah,” sneered Josi?”, “You and who else. You can’t even manage to take a nightgown off and here you are threatening to break down a door!”
* * *
Adam was all alone in the Garden of Eden and as he was wandering about he came across two rabbits, one humping the other.
“What are those two rabbits doing?” he asked the Lord.
And the Lord replied, “They are making love.”
A little later he came across two doves, one mounted on the other.
“Lord, what are those two birds doing?” asked Adam.
“They are making love” came the reply.
Adam thought for a moment and then said, “Why am I all alone?
Why don’t I have someone to love?”
“OK, Adam, when you wake up in the morning, you won’t be alone any longer.”
So the next day when Adam awoke, Eve was lying next to him.
He immediately jumped on top of her but a moment later he asked, “Lord, what’s a headache?”
* * *
A young couple had been married for less than six months but the bride was obsessed with knowing how many women her husband had slept with.
“If I tell you, it’ll only make you angry and upset” he said.
“No it won’t,” she assured him. “I just need to know.”
Eventually the man gave in.
“OK, now let’s see. One…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…you…ten…eleven…”
* * *
Pam is at the end of her tether. Her husband is out of work and all he does is sit or lie in front of the TV drinking beer.
One day, the washing machine breaks down and she asks him to take a look at it.
“Leave it out,” he says. “Who do you think I am, a washing machine expert?”
As luck would have it, later on in the day the vacuum cleaner packs up and again she asks him if he would have a look at it.”
“Don’t be daft, woman, do I look like an electrician? Now leave me in peace.”
And because things always come in threes, next morning the back door gets stuck and won’t open. Feeling very fed up, she confronts her idle husband and tells him about the door.
“Bugger off,” he replies, “do I look like a chippie?”
That’s it. She’s had enough. She gets three different tradesmen in and all is repaired. In the evening, when she tells her husband about the repairs, he asks her how much the damn thing is going to cost.
“Well, they told me I could either pay by baking a cake or having sex,” she replies.
“So what cake did you bake?”
“Don’t be silly,” she says scornfully. “Do I look like Mrs Beeton?”
* * *
Two astronauts successfully landed on the moon and transmitted their thoughts and feelings back to mission control. They described the moon’s surface, the temperature, the atmosphere and their own feelings of elation at being there. Just as transmission was going off, one of the astronauts was heard to say, “Good luck Mr Collins”.
When the men eventually returned to earth there was a lot of media attention but when it came to the meaning of “Good luck Mr Collins”, the astronaut refused to explain.
Twenty-five years later, on the anniversary of the moon landing, once again the two astronauts become the centre of attention. It was then, on a late night television programme that the meaning of “Good luck Mr Collins” was finally revealed.
“When I was a young boy, our family lived next door to Mr and Mrs Collins,” he began, “and one day when I was playing in the garden I heard voices coming from their open bedroom window. I heard Mrs Collins yelling at her husband, ‘Oral sex, that’s what you want, is it … oral sex? Let me tell you, when the boy next door lands on the moon, then you’ll get oral sex!’ ”
* * *
A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her. Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress.
“What are you doing that for?” asked her husband.
“Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”
“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.
“Then why were you playing with my pussy?”
“I couldn’t turn the pages of my book,” he said.
* * *
A woman comes home to find her husband crying his eyes out.
“My goodness, what’s wrong?” she asks.
He looks up at her and says, “Do you remember 15 years ago when I got you pregnant? Your father was so flamin’ angry he said I had to marry you or go to jail?”
“Yes, I remember,” she replies, “but why are you thinking of that now?”
“Well, today is the day I would have been released!”
* * *
A couple are having marital problems and go along to see the marriage counsellor.
“Eternal triangle problem, is it?” asked the counsellor.
“Don’t worry, we can solve that. Why! it even happened to my marriage once.”
“Really,” replied the couple, “what did you do?”
“We ate the sheep.”
* * *
“My wife should be a goalie, she’d be the best,” said one man to his friend.
“Why’s that?”
“I haven’t scored for months.”
* * *
The poor insignificant little man was confronted by his overpowering wife as he got ready for bed.
“If you can guess what I’ve got behind my back, I’ll reward you with a night of passion,” she bellowed.
Paling at the thought, he replied, “A double decker bus.”
“Not quite,” she laughed, “but it’ll do.”
* * *
As the motorcyclist drew up to the traffic lights, a car screeched to a halt and a man jumped out and ran up to him.
“For goodness sake man, didn’t you realise your wife had fallen off when you took that sharp bend a mile back?”
“Oh thanks, mate,” replied the happy motorcyclist. “For a moment I thought I’d gone deaf.”
* * *
A lively young girl married a shy retiring man and after one week of marriage he came home from work looking very puzzled.
“When I got to the office this morning I found a pencil tied to my penis.”
“That’s right, my love,” she replied. “I decided that if you couldn’t come at least you could write.”
* * *
Although divorced five years previously, the couple had remained friends for the sake of their daughter. One day, the ex-wife learns that her ex-husband has been taken ill and will have to stay in bed for at least two weeks. Because he’s on his own, she decides to go round to see if there’s any way she can help and she volunteers to take over from the nurse who has been popping in for an hour each day. The ex-wife learns to give him his medicines, cook his food and generally look after him. One day, she’s giving him a bed bath when she notices he has a huge erection.
“Oh my goodness,” she remarks. “Look, John, he still remembers me.”
* * *
Two men were sitting in a bar talking.
“John, I’ve got a big favour to ask you. I’ve got to go away for a few days to the firm’s headquarters in Leeds and my wife will be here on her own. Although I try not to, I can’t help being suspicious that something is going on. Would you mind just keeping an eye on her while I’m gone?”
His friend agrees and it’s more than two weeks later that they meet up again, on his return.
“Anything to report, John?” asks the suspicious husband.
John replies hesitantly, “Well, I watched your wife every evening and on the third night, a man arrived in a sports car.
They sat and had cocktails on your patio, then went skinny dipping in the pool before going inside and upstairs. They kissed passionately and he laid her down on the bed but then he closed the curtains so I didn’t see any more.”
“You see,” says the husband sadly. “There’s still no proof, only suspicions.”
* * *
“Mrs Smith, I have some very bad news for you, concerning your husband, We’ve had the tests back and it shows that he has only hours to live. I’m afraid he’ll probably be dead by tomorrow morning.”
The poor woman goes home in a terrible state of shock but she is determined to make his last few hours the best he’s ever had. That night, she suggests they go upstairs early and wearing her most sexiest nightie, she lures him into bed and makes love to him like he’s never experienced before. After 2 hours, they lay back exhausted and fall asleep. But half an hour later, the husband wakes up, nudges his wife and tells her it was so wonderful, can they do it again. Now this happens all night long until the poor wife hardly has the strength to move. As dawn breaks, he whispers yet again, “Just once more, darling, please,” and in a sudden flash of anger she replies, “It’s alright for you. You don’t have to get up in the morning.”
* * *
The couple had been married for many years and all romance had gone out of their marriage. One day, as his wife was getting ready for bed, he grabbed her boobs and her bum, saying, “If these were firmer you wouldn’t need so much scaffolding!”
The wife was very upset and the next day when the husband stripped off to have a shower, she grabbed hold of his todger and said, “If this was firmer, I wouldn’t need the man next door.”
* * *
“Cath,” said Fred. “I don’t know too much about this sex thing, I guess we’ll have to go and see the doctor.”
So the newlyweds visited the surgery and asked the doctor to show them how it was done. The doctor agreed, told Cath to take all her clothes off and then he got down on top of her and performed enthusiastically. When it was over he said, “That’s what sex is, now do you understand?”
“Yes, thank you, doctor,” said Fred, “and how often do I have to bring her in to see you?”
* * *
“Oh my darling, drink makes you look so sexy.”
“But I haven’t been drinking.”
“No, but I have.”
* * *
A woman returned from the doctor’s to find her husband sprawled in a chair.
“Why are you so happy?” he moaned, looking at her smiling face.
“I’ve just been told that I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.”
“Really! and what did he say about your 50 year old arse?”
“We didn’t talk about you,” she replied.
* * *
The young couple arrived back from a wonderful honeymoon to begin their married life in a little terraced cottage. After his first day back at work, the husband returned home to find his wife in floods of tears.
“What’s wrong, darling?” he asked.
“Oh Ben, I wanted everything to be so perfect for you, but I’ve gone and burnt the dinner.”
The man took her in his arms, consoled her and they ended up in bed. The next day, he arrived home to discover the dinner had been spoilt again, so after comforting her, they ended up in bed a second time. This continued all week but when he arrived home on Friday night, instead of seeing her in tears, he found her sliding down the bannister stark naked.
“What are you doing?” he exclaimed.
“I’m just keeping your dinner warm,” she replied.
* * *
Coming home from work earlier than planned, the husband found his wife in the kitchen, bending over the oven. She looked so desirable, he immediately dropped his trousers and took her from behind. After it was finished, he gave her a sharp smack on the bum.
“What the bloody hell was that for?” she raged.
“That was because you didn’t look round to see who it was,” he exclaimed.
* * *
Watching his wife put her bra on, the man sneered, “I don’t know why you bother, it’s not as if you’ve got anything to put in it.”
“Bugger off,” she replied. “I don’t complain when I’m ironing your underpants.”
* * *
“Are you happy, darling?” asks the man after six months of marriage.
“Of course, I’m very happy,” she replies.
“But there is something that bothers you, isn’t there?” he persists.
“Well…er…it’s just that you’re always picking your nose and you’re always on top when we make love.”
“Let me explain,” he says. “When I was growing up, my father used to say to me quite often, ‘Whatever you do, keep your nose clean and don’t fuck up.’ ”
* * *
“You know, Bob, I don’t know how much longer I can stand it. My wife is just a dirty good-for-nothing. The house is a tip, she never cooks and the whole place is filthy. I’ve just got to get rid of her.”
“Listen, Steve, I’ve got an idea,” said his mate. I read somewhere that people can die from having too much sex.
Why don’t you spend the whole weekend in bed with her and see what happens.” So Steve followed Bob’s advice and spent the whole weekend in bed. On Monday morning, he was so knackered he could barely get himself to work. That night, he arrived home to find out how successful the plan
had been, but as he walked in, he couldn’t believe his eyes.
The house was gleaming, everything was spotlessly clean and a roast was cooking in the oven. Standing in the kitchen with a glass of champagne in her hand was his wife in a sexy négligé.
“You see, lover,” she said, smiling. “You do right by me and I’ll do right by you.”
* * *
A woman was so desperate for a husband, she advertised for one in the local newspaper. The next day, she got over 500 replies from women saying, “You can have mine.”
* * *
A woman went to the doctor’s complaining of a total lack of energy. After being examined, he told her she was on the edge of a nervous breakdown and should give up cigarettes, gin and sex for 3 months. But after a week, the woman returned saying she was even closer to a breakdown if she couldn’t smoke.”
“OK, have 5 cigarettes a day.”
Another week went by and she returned saying she missed her glass of gin so much, it helped to relax her.
“OK, just one glass a day,” said the doctor.
Two weeks later she returned again and before she could say anything, the doctor quickly interrupted.
“OK, OK, but only with your husband – there must be no excitement.”
* * *
“Doctor, doctor,” said the frustrated woman. “How can I improve my husband’s performance in bed?”
“Well, first of all, you must tell him what you want,” suggested the doctor.
So in bed that night, the wife turned towards her husband and whispered, “Darling, caress my breasts and tell me how much you love me.”
So the husband did as she asked.
Then, she whispered again, “Lower.”
So in a very deep voice he said, “I love you.”
* * *
In the middle of the night, the woman nudged her husband saying, “Jack, I think I heard a noise downstairs. Are you awake?”
“No,” he replied.
* * *
A man sat at the end of the bar looking sadly into his pint of beer.
“You don’t look so good, Bob. What’s wrong?” asked the barman.
“It’s the bloody wife,” he moaned. “She makes my life so miserable, nag, nag, nag, all the time.”
“Well, I’ve got a bit of advice,” offered the barman. “There was a fellow in here not long ago who had the same problem and he was told that if he made love to his wife for five hours every night, she wouldn’t be able to take the strain and within two months, she’d be dead.”
“Was she?” asked Bob, with interest.
“You bet she was,” replied the barman. So Bob went home and for the next six weeks he made love to his wife every night for five hours. One evening, he staggered into the bar looking 10 years older and completely knackered.
“How’s it going?” asked the barman, looking concerned.
“Well, the wife may be smiling a lot more and enjoying life to the full, but I console myself with the knowledge that she’s only got two more weeks to live.”
* * *
The event made headline news in the local paper.
“Man of 80 marries girl of 21.”
The man was in such great demand that it was arranged for him to hold a press conference when they returned from their honeymoon.
“How often do you have sex?” shouted out one of the journalists.
“Nearly every night,” replied the man.
“Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, nearly on Wednesday…”
* * *
A rich old man of 85 went to the doctor’s for a check-up. He explained that he was about to get married to a young girl of 20 and he needed to know how fit he was.
“Well, for a man of your age, you are remarkably well, but,” cautioned the doctor, “are you sure you’re doing the right thing? It may well put a lot of strain on you.”
But the old man could not be persuaded to change his mind.
“Well, in that case,” persisted the doctor, “it may be a good idea to take in a lodger. I’m sure you will find the marriage a lot less strenuous.”
The old man thought this over and said it sounded like a good idea. A few months later the doctor and the old man met up again at the village fete.
“Hello, doctor,” beamed the old man, “you must congratulate me, my wife is pregnant.”
The doctor kept a straight face, as he wished the old man well.
“I guess you took my advice about taking in a lodger then?”
“Indeed I did,” winked the old man, enjoying himself”, and she’s pregnant too!”
* * *
A young couple move to a remote island off the coast of Newfoundland. They are made very welcome by the locals although the husband is teased a great deal because he is clean shaven. All the other men on the island have long beards. One night, as the couple are getting ready for bed, he has an idea. When his wife has undressed, he asks her to do a handstand in front of the mirror. Thinking it very odd, but curious to know what he’s going to do, she agrees. Then the husband puts his face between her legs and murmurs to himself. “Okay, maybe a beard won’t be so bad after all.
* * *
The marriage was going through a rocky patch; even though Christmas was approaching, there was very little goodwill.
“Why you old skinflint,” exclaimed Doris. “You haven’t even bought me a present.”
“Why should I,” Bob retorted. “I bought you a plot in the cemetery last year and you still haven’t used it!”
* * *
A man, his wife and daughter are arguing about who should pop down the shops for a pint of milk. “I’ll tell you what,” says the man finally. Whoever speaks first has to go and get the milk.” The others agree and silence ensues.
Ten minutes later, the girl’s boyfriend walks in. “Hello everyone,” he says, but there is no response. “How about a cup of tea?” Still no one speaks, so he goes over to his girlfriend, gives her a lip smacking kiss and leads her out of the door and up the stairs. Half an hour later he returns looking a little flushed but still no one speaks. He decides to have a bit of fun so he goes up to the wife and gives her a kiss. He can’t believe she doesn’t say anything, so he takes this as a “yes” and takes her upstairs as well. Twenty minutes later he returns feeling quite knackered. As he passes the mirror he catches sight of his bedraggled appearance and his hair which is now sticking up in the air. Needing to tidy up, he asks, “Anyone got any vaseline?”
At that, the man jumps up from his chair and rushes to the door. “You’re right,” he says, “a cup of tea would be nice, I’ll just pop out for the milk.”
* * *
A vicious burglar breaks into a house late at night, orders the couple out of bed and ties them up. Now the husband is a big sissy, afraid of his own shadow, so he whispers to his wife, “Darling, do whatever he says. If he wants sex with you, then let him have it, otherwise he might hurt us.”
“Whatever you say,” replies his wife. “By the way, he told me he thought you had a nice, tight little bum.”
* * *
A husband and wife booked into an hotel only to find their room had two single beds. In the middle of the night, the husband whispered over, “Oh darling, sweetheart, how about coming over here so I can make love to my beautiful wife.”
The wife slipped out of bed, but as she crept over to him, she knocked the bedside table and upset a glass of water.
“Never mind, darling,” he cooed, “it’s not your fault, it’s just too dark in here.”
After a passionate session, the wife returned to her own bed but on the way back she hit the bedside table again and knocked over the lamp.”
“Watch out, you stupid bitch, you’re so bloody clumsy,” he yelled.