Adult Joke Book: Love’s Young Dream

The young couple had just got down to business when the girl suddenly stopped.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart, am I hurting you, shall I take it out?”

“Yes,” she murmured. “Would you mind taking it out and then putting it in a few times until I make up my mind?”

* * *

“Hello, Colin, what are you doing riding around on that woman’s bicycle?”

“Well, it’s a long story,” replied Des. “I was on my way into town when this lady passes me on a bicycle. She stops, waits for me to catch up, gives me a kiss and then takes her clothes off!”

“You can have anything you want,” she says, so I took the bicycle…Well, I’m not a pervert, I don’t wear women’s clothes.”

* * *

Halfway up a 1 in 4 hill the couple’s car spluttered to a halt.

“Shall we get out and push it up?” asked the man.

“That’s a good idea,” she replied, “but will it be alright to leave the car here?”

* * *

On another occasion the car broke down on a very cold winter’s day.

“I’ll soon have it mended,” said the man and he jumped out of the car and tinkered about underneath the bonnet. Five minutes later he got back in the car and put his hands between her legs.

“It’s so cold out there, my hands are freezing up so I’m just trying to warm them,” he explained.

Over an hour went past and every 10 minutes he would jump back in the car to warm up his hands between her legs. On the seventh occasion she turned to him and said, “It’s a shame your ears don’t suffer from the cold as well.”

* * *

“Oh my darling,” whispered the passionate young man. “Am I the first man you’ve ever made love to?”

“Yes, yes,” she replied, looking bored. “Why do men always ask the same silly question?”

* * *

How do you know if your girlfriend’s frigid?

When she opens her legs, the light goes on.

* * *

A bloke was walking through the park late at night when he stood on a man’s bottom.

“Oh thank you,” said a girl’s voice.

* * *

It was 11.30 at night as the young couple made their way back from the pub. Suddenly they could contain their passion no longer and stopping by a fence he took her there and then.

Unfortunately their excitement was so boisterous that the fence was knocked down and the sound brought the householder storming down the garden.

“What the hell’s going on?” he yelled. “I want £60 now to repair that bloody fence.”

The man paid up and later when they were alone, he turned to his girlfriend and said, “Come on, Sylvie, you’re always on about equal rights, how about giving me half towards the fence?”

“Get real!” she answered. “You were the one doing all the pushing.”

* * *

What is an outdoor girl?

One with the bloom of youth in her cheeks and the cheek of youth in her bloomers.

* * *

The village idiot was getting a lot of teasing from the local boys.

“Hello, Jake,” they said. “We hear you’ve been practising a lot of sexual positions.”

“That’s right,” he said proudly. “I hopes to try them on girls soon.”

* * *

A rather reticent young girl was asked how she got on with her new boyfriend.

“Let’s just say my legs are my best friends,” she replied mysteriously.

“Oh come on,” said her mate. “What does that mean?”

“It means he came on too strong so I walked home.”

A few weeks later the two friends were talking and the girl’s mate asked her how her new date went on the previous night.

“Pretty much as before,” she replied. “My legs are my best friends.”

Time went by and on the third time they met up, the girl looked radiantly happy.

“You’re looking well,” commented her mate. “Something’s doing you good.”

“Oh yes,” replied the girl. “I’ve met this wonderful bloke and let’s just say even the best of friends must part.”

* * *

Overheard in a parked car down lover’s lane:

“Suck, suck, Emma…blow is just a figure of speech.”

* * *

Did you hear about the young girl who swallowed a pin when she was 10 and never felt a prick until she was 19?

* * *

“Now don’t forget,” said mother as her daughter went out on her first date, “say no to everything he suggests.”

Later on in the evening after they’d been out to dinner he turned to her and asked, “Do you mind if we go back to my place for a bit of sex?”

* * *

“Hey darling, what do you think of this photo, it’s me posing for the centrefold – good ain’t it?” boasted the young man.

“Mmm,” replied the girl. “If I were you, I’d get it enlarged.”

* * *

The boy was so frustrated. He’d been seeing this girl for over a month but apart from some kissing and cuddling, he’d never made a move on her because he was embarrassed at the small size of his willy. Eventually, he plucked up all his courage took it out and placed it in her hand.

“No thanks,” she said, “I don’t smoke.”

* * *

“Why have you got those marks on your knees?” her friend asked.

“Oh, it’s making love, doggie style.”

“Well, why don’t you change positions?”

“I’m willing, but the dog isn’t.”

* * *

After thrashing away for a good five minutes, the man lay back on the bed smiling smugly.

“How was it for you, darling, good?”

“Quite painless actually,” she replied. “I never felt a thing.”

* * *

Mum walks into the bedroom to find her daughter in fits of tears.

“Oh mum, it’s so unfair. Yesterday, Derek said he’d buy me a diamond ring if I stayed the night with him. So I did, but all he bought was a cheap trinket.”

“My darling,” says Mum. “Always remember this and you won’t fall into the trap again. When they’re hard they’re soft and when they’re soft, they’re hard.”

* * *

He’s called Jack the Whistler because by putting two fingers in his mouth his whistle can be heard over a mile away. One evening, Jack takes his girlfriend down lovers’ lane and by the time they’re ready to go home it’s very late and they catch sight of the last bus disappearing round the corner.

“Quick, Jack, whistle,” urges the girlfriend. Jack starts to put his fingers to his mouth but suddenly stops.

“No, I’ve a better idea,” he says. “I feel like a bit of exercise tonight, let’s walk.”

* * *

A young hitch hiker got a lift with a lorry driver but halfway through the night they found themselves stranded on top of the moors. The driver told her they’d have to wait till morning before getting help so she could have his bed in the cabin and he would sleep on the seat. After a while, the girl whispered, “It’s a shame you have to give up your bed, why don’t you come in with me, there’s plenty of room.”

So the man got in beside her.

“It might be nice if we slept ‘married’,” she giggled.

“Whatever you like,” he said, and he turned his back to her and went to sleep.

* * *

If only the young man had been more sexually experienced!

When she asked him if he fancied something from the Karma Sutra, he replied, “Thanks, but not for me. Indian food has me on the toilet all night.”

* * *

“Hi handsome! Is that a gun in your hand or are you just pleased to see me?”

“It’s a gun,” he replied.

* * *

The man was desperate.

“But Julie, the size of a man’s tackle isn’t everything. Don’t you think a man’s personality is more important?”

She replied, “But you haven’t much of a personality either!”

* * *

“Oh my darling, do you always kiss with your eyes closed?” whispered the smitten young man.

“Only when I have to kiss you,” she replied.

* * *

“Oh Tracy, I love you,” he simpered. “Please tell me there’s no one else in your life.”

“Of course there’s no one else,” she replied. “Do you think I’d go to the cinema with a nerd like you, if there was another man?”

* * *

Johnny and Sarah disappeared behind the barn where they were soon rolling around on the ground, shagging for all they were worth. All of a sudden Johnny said, “Heh doll, is my prick in you or in the mud?”

Sarah felt around and replied, “Well I never, it’s in the mud.”

“Put it back then, sweetheart.”

A little later, Johnny asked again, “Is my prick in you or in the mud?”

“Don’t worry, it’s alright,” said Sarah, “it’s in me.”

“Well, be a sport and put it back in the mud, would you?”

* * *

The 20-year-old son of the house was smitten with the au pair who looked after his baby sister. He was sure he was in love and did all he could to attract her attention. Finally, his efforts were successful and he enticed the au pair into bed.

But to his horror, he couldn’t get Percy to rise and felt profoundly embarrassed.

“Don’t worry about it,” said the au pair gently. “Sometimes this happens to your father as well.”

* * *

“Hello, Bert, what a lovely day. Where are you off too?”

“I’m going courting.”

“Really! But why are you wearing wellingtons?”

“I’ve got to have somewhere to put the sheep’s back legs.”

* * *

Steve was a down-to-earth cockney lad from the East End docks of London. At this time, he had a problem and he didn’t know what to do. He was in love with two girls and they were in love with him. There was Tracy who worked in her dad’s eel pie and mash shop. She was blonde, beautiful and funny. But there was also Maria, dark and stunning, kind and thoughtful. One day he was passing a church and decided to go inside for some divine inspiration. He knelt down in one of the pews and prayed.

“Oh God, please ‘elp me. I’ve gotta decide who to wed, shall I marry Tracy or Maria?”

When he had finished he looked up and smiled gratefully, for over the alter he read “Ave Maria”. And that’s just what he did.

* * *

“What’s wrong, Jake, you look all fired up,” said his mate.

“I sure am. My girl’s going to die of the clap.”

“No, don’t worry. People don’t die of the clap these days.”

“They do when they give it to me.”

* * *

An unscrupulous young man had fancied this girl for ages but she had shown no interest in him so he decided to play a trick on her. The next time he saw her sunbathing on the beach he went up and said, “Hi Julie, I bet you £10 I can keep an eye on my clothes while I dive into the sea.”

Now Julie felt pretty sure that it would be impossible for him to dive in and watch the beach at the same time so she accepted the bet. The young man took a false eye out of his pocket put it on his clothes and then dived into the water.

When he returned he smiled and said, “Come on, Julie, I bet you another £10 I can bite my own ear.”

“Oh no,” she said, “Not more tricks. I suppose it’s plastic teeth this time?”

“I promise you they’re my own,” he said, so she accepted the bet. He took out his false teeth and bit his own ear. Now Julie was down £20 and feeling very annoyed.” Heh Julie, I’ll give you a chance to win all your money back. I bet I can make love to you and you won’t feel a thing.

“Now Julie knew all about sex and she knew that was impossible so she took the bet. He got down on top of her and away they went. “Ah ah” she said triumphantly. “I can feel you!”

“Oh well,” he said grinning. “You win some, you lose some.”

* * *

“Doctor, doctor, my dick has turned yellow, what can I do?” asked the worried young man.

“Well, that’s extraordinary,” replied the doctor. “Do you work with dyes or chemicals?”

“No, I’m unemployed.”

“What do you do all day?”

“I just watch television and eat Quavers.”

* * *

A nymphomaniac was walking home late at night when she was attacked and raped by a man who had been lying in wait.

When it was over he turned to her and said, “What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to run home and tell my flatmate I’ve been raped twice … unless you’re not tired yet,” she replied.

* * *

It was the annual dance at the town hall and a couple were dancing very close together. After a while the girl whispered in his ear, “Why don’t we go outside to the car?”

“Oh I don’t know,” he said. “I like dancing.”

But the girl continued to coax him and eventually he agreed.

When they got outside it was pitch black so the man produced a torch from his pocket.

“Have you had that torch with you all night?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said.

“Oh well, in that case let’s go back to the dance.”

* * *

A young girl travelling on a crowded train asked a man if she could have his seat because she was pregnant. The man immediately jumped up and the girl sat down. As the man looked at her he remarked, “You don’t look pregnant, how far gone are you?”

“Oh, about 30 minutes,” she replied “but it sure is knackering.”

* * *

Three beautiful young girls are walking along the beach when they come across a man sunbathing. He has no arms or legs. The first girl goes up to him and says, “Have you ever been hugged?”

The man shakes his head, so she bends down and gives him a big hug. The second girl asks him if he has ever been kissed. Again he shakes his head so she bends down and gives him a long lingering kiss. Then the third girl asks him if he has ever been fucked.

“No, no,” he stammers, his face lighting up in anticipation.

“Well, you are now,” she replies “the tide’s coming in.”

* * *

Looking through an open bedroom window one night, a Peeping Tom came upon a young couple playing a rather kinky game. Stark naked, they were sitting in opposite corners of the room, a bag of marbles besides the man, and a pile of hoops besides the woman. As he watched the woman threw a hoop and it landed on the man’s erect penis.

“Hooray!” she said “One to me”.

Then the man rolled a marble straight between her legs and cheered “Now it’s one all.”

The next day the Peeping Tom’s wife was going shopping and asked him if there was anything he needed.

“Yes,” he replied with a secret grin on his face “A bag of sprouts and a packet of polo mints.”