Adult Joke Book: Loads of Money

An upper-class gent was walking through the park when a sudden strong gust of wind blew up the skirt of a passing woman.

“Oh I say, it’s airy, isn’t it?” he remarked.

The woman replied, “Well what did you expect, feathers?”

* * *

The rich and elegant old woman stopped to reverse her Rolls into the only free parking space. But as she was slowly backing in, a young girl in a nifty little sports car came up behind her and nipped into the space.

“You’ve got to be young and daring to do that,” laughed the girl.

The old woman ignored her and continued to reverse into the parking spot, slowly crunching the sports car underneath the Rolls’ wheels. When she had finished she turned to the dumbfounded girl and said, “You’ve got to be old and rich to do that.”

* * *

The rich boyfriend presented his girlfriend with a beautiful fur coat made out of skunk.

“I’m amazed”, she said, “that such a gorgeous coat could come from such a stinking little beast.”

“Well, fuck off,” said the boyfriend. “I didn’t expect much gratitude but there’s no need to get so personal.”

* * *

A woman has her portrait painted by a local artist and asks him if he would paint her dripping with fabulous jewels. She explains, “If I die before my husband and he gets married again, I want his second wife to go crazy looking for the stones.”

* * *

A very rich couple buy a mansion and 20 acres of land in the country and hire three maids, two man-servants and a gardener to take care of themselves and the upkeep of the property. Now the lady of the house likes her grog and after one particularly heavy night on the booze, the next morning she decides to take a walk around the grounds to clear her head. She bumps into the young gardener and after passing the time of day with him, she mentions her hangover.

“I can’t even remember going to bed,” she tells him.

“Begging your pardon, Ma’am, but I put you to bed when I saw you had fallen asleep on the patio. I hung your dress up so that it would not be spoiled.”

“But John, when I woke up this morning I was naked.”

“Begging your pardon, Ma’am. I took off your bra and pants because I thought they might be uncomfortable.”

The woman blushes and laughs nervously.

“Good gracious, John, I must have been tight.”

“Not after the first time, Ma’am.”

* * *

Three brothers are left their father’s business in his will. The oldest son says, “Dad left me 48% of the shares so I’m going to be Chairman.”

“OK,” says the second son, “and I’ll be in charge of the everyday running of the business because I’ve got 30% of the shares.”

“Now wait a minute,” says the third and youngest son. “What about me, don’t forget I’ve got 22% of the shares?”

The other two confer amongst themselves and then reply,

“We’ve decided you can be in charge of sexual matters.”

“What does that mean?”

“When we want your fucking advice, we’ll ask for it.”

* * *

“Hello, Bates,” said Lady Symthe to the gardener. “Do you think you’re a good sport?”

“I believe so, yes Ma’am,” replied the puzzled man.

“And do you think you’re a good fuck?” she asked, unbuttoning her blouse to reveal nothing on underneath.

“I think I am, yes,” stammered the blushing gardener.

“Well, if that’s so, fuck off, it’s April Fools Day.”

* * *

The Chairman turned to his secretary and said, “I’ll never forget that weekend we spent together in the Cotswolds, will you?”

“I don’t know,” she replied, “it depends how much it’s worth.”

* * *

There had been an awful car accident resulting in a flashy sports car hitting a roadside tree and badly injuring the two passengers. When the emergency services arrived, the man was screaming hysterically.

“Try and calm down, Sir,” said the paramedic, “and we’ll try and see what’s wrong. At least you weren’t flung through the windscreen like your girlfriend.”

“Aagh!” screamed the man even more, “Have you not seen what she has in her mouth?”

* * *

The poor man was in great difficulties. His business was failing and it looked as if he was facing bankruptcy. As a last resort he popped into the local church and kneeling down he prayed fervently.

“Oh God, please don’t let this happen to me, please let me win the lottery.”

But on Saturday night, he had no luck. The following week, the situation got worse. The man lost his house and all his possessions, so once again he went into church and prayed desperately.

“Oh please, please I beg you, please let me win the lottery.”

But on Saturday, he had no luck. On the following Monday, his wife and children left him and he was now completely on his own. He ran into church, got down on his knees and pleaded, “Oh God, everything has gone, I have nothing left.

Have pity on me, I beg you. Why won’t you help me win the lottery?”

At that moment, there was a tremendous thunderclap, a bright flashing light and God boomed out, “You daft bugger, you could at least give yourself a sporting chance and buy a fucking ticket!”

* * *

The retired colonel is striding out through the village when he is accosted by one of his manservants who’s a little the worse for wear.

“Hello, your colonel sir,” grins the man. “How the devil are we?” he mimics.

Not only drunk but insulting, the colonel is outraged and remarks forcefully, “Drunk as a skunk!”

The man whispers conspirationally, “Don’t worry, Sir, your secret’s safe with me, I’ve had a bit to drink myself.”

* * *

Lady Cynthia, a spinster for 60 years, was finally forced to get married because of financial difficulties within her aristocratic family. On the night of the honeymoon, she walked into the bedroom wearing a long white nightdress and a pair of long white gloves.

“What’s this for, old girl?” demanded her new husband.

“Why are you wearing gloves?”

She replied haughtily, “One has been informed that one has to actually handle the so-called member.”

* * *

“Oh Jasmin, was it love at first sight?”

“No, second. I didn’t know he had so much money the first time.”

* * *

Two men are crossing the Pennines when their car packs up on them and they are left stranded. Fortunately, they spot a little cottage and decide to ask for shelter. The door is opened by a widow who immediately invites them in and gives them something to eat.

“I’m sorry, I only have a single bed in the spare room, so one of you will have to share with me. Steve picks the short straw and ends up sleeping with the widow who is so starved for sex that the night turns out to be very passionate.

The following morning, they have breakfast and say goodbye.

“Martin, I’ve got something to confess,” says Steve. “When she asked me for my name and address I gave her yours. You know what my wife is like, she’d have murdered me.”

However, Martin is not amused and when they return home, they don’t see each other for over a year, until they meet up again in the bank.

“I’m glad I’ve seen you,” says Martin. “I’ve had a letter from the solicitor of that widow, he…”

But before he can continue, Steve interrupts.

“Listen, I really am sorry about that. As it happens, my wife’s left me anyway.”

“No, no,” says Martin. “I just wanted to let you know that the widow has died and left me £2 million.”

* * *

The church was in a very bad state of repair and all sorts of fundraising ideas were being considered. It was decided that some of the wealthy business people could be approached and on this morning, the vicar was escorting a local millionaire around the church to see for himself the critical state it was in. As the vicar pointed out the cracks in the stonework over the front porch, a piece of masonry fell off and hit the millionaire on the head. Rubbing his head gingerly, the man said, “I see what you mean, Vicar, here’s a cheque for £200.”

As they were leaving, the vicar looked up and shouted, “Go on, Lord, hit the tight-fisted bugger again!”

* * *

Two old school chums who haven’t seen each other for twenty years bump into each other in the local supermarket.

“Hello, Tara, how are you?” asks Helen.

“Very well,” replies Tara, who’s an awful show-off. “Very well indeed. After I left school, I went into my father’s business in Switzerland and some years later, I married the son of one of Switzerland’s largest chocolate manufacturers.

“Oh how nice,” says Helen.

“And then we returned to England some years ago, where we started an exclusive health farm, catering mostly for the local celebrities. It’s been a huge success.”

“Oh how nice,” says Helen.

“And now we’re branching out into our own range of cosmetics, and they are proving to be very popular.”

“Oh how nice,” says Helen.

“Anyway, that’s enough of me. How about you, Helen?”

“Me? Well I went on to finishing school, where one of the most important things they taught me was to say, ‘Oh, how nice’ instead of ‘Fuck you.”

* * *

“Come in,” said the bank manager to his customer, “and what can I do for you?”

The customer explained that he was an inventor and he needed some funding for his latest invention. He had created a special substance that, sprayed lightly over a woman’s pussy, would give it a strawberry flavour.

“No, no,” said the banker, shaking his head sadly. “That’s no good, but if you could invest a substance that, sprayed on a strawberry, would make it taste like pussy, then you’re onto a winner and I’d buy into the company myself.”

* * *

“Now listen very carefully,” said the millionaire to the architect designing his new house. “Whatever you do, I don’t want that tree disturbed over there. It brings back fond memories.”

“Why’s that?” asked the architect.

“That’s where I had sex for the first time. And don’t touch that old tree over there either. That’s where her mother was standing and that’s where she watched us while we were doing it.”

“What?” said the architect. “You were shagging her daughter and she was watching! What did she say?”