Adult Joke Book: Honeymooning

It was seven days into their honeymoon and the young bride staggered downstairs to breakfast looking knackered.

“My goodness,” said the waitress. “You don’t look so good, but aren’t you the bride with the older husband?”

“Yes I am, he’s 75, but I’ve discovered he’s pulled a dreadful trick on me. When he told me he had saved up for 50 years, I thought he was talking about money.”

* * *

Two friends talking over the garden wall.

“Did you do as I suggested?” said Doreen. “Did you feed him a dozen oysters on your honeymoon night?”

“Oh I did,” replied the other, “but only 10 of them worked!”

* * *

“You’ll never believe this, Johnny,” said the simple friend.

“My wife’s a bit backward. Why! on our wedding night she put the pillow under her arse instead of her head.”

* * *

Two couples got married on the same day and ended up in the same hotel for their honeymoon. One evening, the girls having already gone to bed, the two men had a couple of drinks together in the bar. As time went on the men started to get boastful and Geoff claimed he could make love to his wife more times than John.

Fired up with booze, John accepted the challenge and they agreed to meet the following morning with the results.

“Last night, I made love to my wife 3 times” said Geoff at breakfast time. “What about you?”

John replied, “34 times.”

“What!!” exclaimed Geoff. “OK, double or nothing, let’s see what happens tonight.”

The next day Geoff arrived in the dining room looking knackered.

“7 times,” he said to John.

John laughed. “You lose again, 48 times for me.”

“Well that’s unbelievable, how do you manage it?”

“Listen, I’ll show you. Put your hips back, then push forward quickly. That’s one. Now, pull your hips back again and push forward quickly. That’s two…”

* * *

Jack and Sally were re-tracing their steps and visiting all the places they saw on their honeymoon, 30 years previously.

“Look, Sal, isn’t that the little stream we paddled in, and over there…do you remember I sat you on that wall and we made love? Come on, let’s do it again.”

So he put Sally on the fence and they got down to business, but this time Sally went absolutely wild.

“Gosh, Sal, that was incredible, you didn’t do that last time we were here.”

“No,” she replied, “but back then, the fence wasn’t electrified.”

* * *

A middle-aged man and a young girl had just got married and were now in the honeymoon suite. The man took his trousers off, handed them to his new wife and said, “Here, put these on.”

Puzzled, the girl replied, “But these won’t fit me.”

“That’s right,” he said. “I just wanted to be sure that you knew who would be wearing the trousers in this marriage.”

“Oh really!” she sneered, as she took off her knickers and threw them at him.

“Put these on,” she said.

“Don’t be silly, I can’t get into these.”

She replied, “Too bloody right you can’t and you never will if you start spouting those old fashioned ideas at me.”

* * *

The new husband and wife were having a last drink in the bar before retiring to the honeymoon suite.

“I’ll go up and get ready,” smiled the wife and she went upstairs. Ten minutes later, her husband followed, but when he walked into the room, he found his wife in bed with the hotel porter and a male guest from across the corridor.

“What’s going on here?” he spluttered.

“Oh don’t look so surprised, darling,” she said. “I always told you I could never say no to a party.”

* * *

A man marries a young naive country girl and on their wedding night, he shows her his tackle and tells her he’s the only man to have such a thing. Times goes by and after a couple of months, they’re in bed one morning when she grabs his willy and remarks, “You were fibbing when you told me you were the only man to have one of these, I’ve discovered that Mr Biggun across the road has one as well.”

The husband thinks quickly and replies, “Oh yes, that was a spare one I had, so I gave it to him.”, “Oh darling,” she sighs.

“Why did you give him the best one?”

* * *

The Reverend James and his newly married wife retire to the honeymoon suite, where she gets ready for bed and he disappears into the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out to find his wife is already under the covers.

“Doris, I thought I’d find you on your knees,” he said.

“Oh darling, we can do it that way another time, for the moment I’d like to see your face.”

* * *

The morning after their honeymoon night the husband comes down to breakfast to see just a piece of lettuce and a carrot on his plate.

“What’s this?” he asks.

She replies, “I just want to know if you eat like a rabbit too.”

* * *

After a wonderful honeymoon night, the new husband wakes to find his wife in tears.

“Darling, what’s wrong? Was it too much for you last night?”

“Oh no, no,” sobbed the wife, “but look at it this morning, I fear we’ve used it all up.”

* * *

It was love at first sight. Within a week of meeting, John and Mary decided to get married.

“But we don’t really know anything about each other,” said Mary.

“Never mind,” replied John. “We’ll learn as we go along.”

So the couple got married and went to Spain for their honeymoon where they spent a blissful few days until one morning as they were sunbathing around the pool.

John suddenly got up, climbed to the very top of the diving board and performed a very intricate dive involving back flips and a double pike.

“Wow!” said Jane, when he returned. “That was truly amazing!”

“Well, I used to be the British Diving Champion,” replied John. “You see, didn’t I say we’d find out more about each other as time went by?”

A little later, Jane got up, dived into the pool and swam four lengths without stopping.

“Heh!” said John, much impressed, that was fantastic. “Were you in the British Squad?”

“Oh no,” she replied. “I spent a few years in Venice where I was on the game and my patch included both sides of the canal.”

* * *

The bride was in floods of tears. Only an hour before her wedding and the heel had broken on her new shoes.

“Don’t worry,” said the bridesmaid. “I’ve got a pair of white shoes, they may be a bit small but I think you’ll be able to put up with them for a short while.”

So the wedding went ahead without mishap and afterwards at the reception there was much merrymaking. However, by the end of the evening, Megan’s feet were in agony and she couldn’t wait to get upstairs to their honeymoon suite to get the shoes off.

Unbeknown to the happy couple, some of the guests, including the parents, followed them upstairs to listen outside the door. For a few minutes they giggled as they heard the sound of huffing and puffing and groaning and then the bridegroom was heard to say, “My goodness Megan, that was tight.”

“There!” whispered her mother. “I told you she was a virgin.”

But then they all got quite a surprise when they heard him say, “Okay, now for the other one.”

Again, there was the sound of groaning and panting until the bridegroom spoke again.

“Blimey, that was even tighter.”

“Good lad,” whispered his father.

“Once a sailor, always a sailor.”