Adult Joke Book: Golf

“Darling,” said his wife, “if I died before you, do you think you would get married again?”

“Maybe,” he replied.

“And would you do all the little things we did together.”


“Would you give her my special golf clubs?”

“Oh no, she’s right handed.”

* * *

And what about the world’s worst golfer?

He stood on a rake and bellowed

“That’s the best two balls I’ve hit today.”

* * *

It was love at first sight. After knowing each other for less than a month, they decide to get married.

“I think I ought to tell you,” said the man, “that I’m absolutely golf mad and I like to spend all weekend on the greens.”

“Okay” she replied “but there’s something I ought to tell you. I’m a hooker.”

“Not to worry. We’ll soon put that right, it’s probably the way you hold the club,” he said.

* * *

Another couple had a whirlwind romance and were married less than six months after they met. On their honeymoon night, she confessed to him that one of her previous lovers had been his old golfing partner.

“Let’s not bring up the past,” he said, “all that matters now is that we’re together.”

For the next hour, they made mad passionate love and when they finally finished he picked up the phone.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“All that exercise, has made me hungry” he replied. “I’m going to order some steaks and a bottle of bubbly – it is our wedding night after all.”

“Oh, but your ex golfing partner would have made love to me again.”

Not to be thought second best, the new husband began again and gave it all his worth for the next 45 minutes, after which he laid back on the bed totally exhausted. Again, he tried to ring room service but again she asked for more. At the end of another 30 minutes, he picked up the phone before his wife could speak, saying dejectedly. “Don’t worry, it’s not room service, I’m just ringing my ex golfing partner to find out what the par for the hole is.”

* * *

“What’s up Bill? You look miserable.”

“The doctor’s told me I should give up golf.”

“Mmm, he’s seen you play too, has he?”

* * *

Three blokes met up to play golf on Sunday morning and compared notes on how they managed to get their wives to let them go. The first said he’d brought his wife breakfast in bed, taken the dog for an early morning walk and washed the car. “She was so pleased, she was delighted to let me go,” he said. The second man recounted how he’d prepared everything for Sunday lunch and cleared up the kitchen from a dinner party the night before.

“She reckoned I’d earned a round of golf,” he said.

The third man looked at his mates and said

“I woke up, belched twice, scratched my balls and let rip with a real stinker. Then I said to her, “Come on then, intercourse or golf course? She couldn’t wait to see me go.”

* * *

Jack and his wife were playing a round of golf but on the seventh tee, Jack’s ball landed behind the maintenance shed.

“Don’t worry,” said his wife, “there’s no need to take a penalty shot, if we open both doors and take out the mowers you can drive straight through.”

They did as she suggested and he gave the ball a mighty hit.

Unfortunately he missed the far opening and the ball ricocheted back and hit his wife in the head, killing her instantly.

A couple of days later he was playing a round of golf with his friend and to his astonishment, ended up in a similar position.

“No need to take a penalty shot” said his friend, “Just open the doors at either end of the shed and hit the ball through.”

“Not bloody likely,” replied the man. “I tried that a couple of days ago and ended up with a double bogey.”

* * *

An irritable old man was taking a short cut across the golf course when he got struck by a golf ball.

“I’m terribly sorry,” said the player, running up to him.

“That’s not good enough. I’ve got a weak heart, anything could have happened. I demand £500 in compensation.”

“But I said fore,” exclaimed the player.

“OK, done,” replied the man.

* * *

“I really want to give this my best shot” said Jack to his mate.

“My mother-in-law is watching from the clubhouse balcony.”

“Oh get away!” replied his friend. “It’s too far away, you couldn’t possibly hit her from here.”

* * *

A man drives his Rolls Royce into the golf club car park and as he’s getting his clubs out of the boot a fellow member comes up to him.

“That really is a beautiful car” he says. “May I ask how much it cost you?”

“Oh about £250,000,” replies the man, looking pleased.

“And how long have you had it?” he continues.

“About 4 years, I work for Cunard you know.”

“So what!” retorted the man “I work fuckin’ hard too, but I still couldn’t afford a Rolls Royce.”

* * *

The pompous club pro was challenged to a round of golf by one of the less experienced members for a prize of £100.

The pro, smiling to himself, immediately took up the challenge, “but,” said his partner, “as long as you agree that I can have two ‘geronimos’.” Not knowing what these were, but confident in his own ability, the club pro agrees. At the end of the round, the other members are astonished to see the pro handing over £100.

“We can’t believe it” they said. “What happened?”

“Well, I was just swinging my club down for the first hole, when my partner grabs me by the bollocks and shouts ‘geronimo’.” Imagine trying to play the next 17 holes, waiting for the second one.”

* * *

Dee had been moaning at Pete for ages because he wouldn’t teach her golf. Eventually it got him down so much he gave in and took her out one Monday afternoon. After spending some time explaining the finer points of the game they stepped up to the 1st tee and Dee hit a mighty drive which landed straight onto the green and disappeared into the hole. “OK,” said Pete, “I’ll take a practice shot now, and then we’ll begin.”

* * *

A man has been stranded on a desert island for eight years and then one day he sees a beautiful girl sail ashore in a small boat. She comes over to him and is amazed to learn how long he has been forced to live alone.

“Would you like a drink?” she asks.

“Oh yes please.”

And she gets a crate of whisky from the boat.

“Do you smoke?”

“I do.”

And she hands him a packet of cigarettes.

After a few minutes she looks at him closely and says, “Now, would you like to play around?”

“Oh my goodness,” he gasps, absolutely amazed. “I can’t believe you have a set of golf clubs on board as well.”

* * *

The men were talking in the clubhouse bar after spending a day on the greens. Each was recounting their golfing experiences.

One said, “If I’m going round on my own, the dog comes to keep me company and if I go one over par on a hole he somersaults backwards.

“That’s incredible!” responded the others.

Warming to the subject, the man continued.

“Yes, and if I go 2 over par at a hole, he does a double somersault backwards.”

“Amazing,” came the response, “that’s quite a feat, how does he do it.”

“Oh I kick him twice.”

* * *

Two lady golfers were teeing off on the 7th hole when the second player’s shot went so wide it hit a man on the 8th tee.

He clasped his hands to his crotch in agony as he fell to the ground.

“Oh I’m so very sorry,” said the woman as she ran over to help him. “Is there anything I can do? I’m a masseuse so I might be able to ease the pain.”

With that, she ordered the man to lay out on the ground, put his hands by his side, undid his trousers and started to massage his manhood. “There, is that helping?” she asked looking very concerned.

“That’s great,” he replied, “but my finger is still throbbing.”

* * *

“What’s wrong, Fiona?” asked Samantha, seeing her friend in floods of tears.

“It’s Dan, he’s left me.”

“Oh get away, he’s always walking out on you.”

“No, no, you don’t understand. This time it’s for good, he’s taken his golf clubs.”

* * *

A golfer teed off on the 10th hole but the ball disappeared over some trees and was never to be seen again. Some time later, he saw a policeman coming towards him on the 12th hole.

“When you were on the 10th, did your ball disappear over that clump of trees?” asked the policeman.

“Yes, it did. Why?” said the puzzled golfer.

“Oh the other side of those trees is a road. The ball bounced in front of a car causing it to swerve and run over a cat. It then smashed through a window of the house opposite, shocking a man into a fatal heart attack and frightening his wife into dropping her tea and badly burning her leg.”

“Bloody hell,” said the golfer, who had deathly pale.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, I think so,” replied the policeman. “In future, before you tee off, stand with your legs a little further apart and keep your head still when you swing the club.”