Two busybodies were walking through the park slagging everyone off when one says to the other “Look at her from number 16, breast feeding in public again!”
“Not just that, the boy looks 18 and he’s not even her son.”
* * *
Two neighbours are chatting over the garden wall.
“When my husband comes home from work tonight, he’ll probably bring me a huge bunch of flowers.”
“Oh isn’t that nice, you are lucky.”
“No, not really. He’ll expect me to take all my clothes off and be on the floor with my legs in the air.”
“Oh dear, why’s that? Haven’t you got any vases?”
* * *
Two women talking over the garden fence.
“Why Samantha, you’re looking very pleased with yourself, what’s been going on?” asked Julie.
“Well I’ve had the most extraordinary week” replied Samantha.
“Yesterday I answered the door and standing there was a beautiful young man who asked me if Ben was in. When I told him he wasn’t, he took me by the hand, led me upstairs, put me on the bed and made love to me all morning. My, he was a big boy! Then yesterday, he came round again, asked if Ben was in and when I said no, he took me back up to the bedroom and had me in 3 different positions for more than 3 hours. He never seems to get tired! Then, would you believe it, he comes back again this morning, asks for Ben and when I tell him Ben is at work, he carries me up to the
bedroom and takes me time and time again.
Julie, I can’t believe how wonderful it’s been. One thing that puzzles me though…why does he want to see Ben?”
* * *
“Billy” said the young woman who had moved in next door.
“I forgot to get some milk at the corner store, do you think you could go for me?”
“No” said the boy, “but I overheard dad say he could.”
* * *
Two women talking over the garden fence.
“My husband’s an efficiency expert.”
“What’s that then?”
“Well, I’ll put it another way. If a woman did it, they would call it nagging.”
* * *
“Do you know what mothballs smell like?”
“Yes.”
“Goodness. How do you get their little legs apart?”
* * *
“What’s wrong Rosie, you look a bit glum?”
“It’s this new bloke of mine, when we’re in bed all he wants to do is ‘eat it’.”
“Well if you don’t want that why don’t you try and put him off by rubbing vinegar in your pussy.”
A couple of days later they met up again and Rosie’s friend asked her “Did it work?”
“No” she moaned, “the night after I’d tried it, he came to bed with a bag of chips.”
* * *
Johnny’s neighbour, Mrs Morgan, had a celebrated parrot.
People from far and wide would come to see the bird because he was such a wonderful conversationalist. There was only one drawback – the parrot was obsessed with ducks.
If he saw a duck he had to shag it and unfortunately for Mrs Morgan there was a farm just across the field and the ducks were forever being rogered by her obsessed parrot. One day the farmer came round in a dreadful rage.
“If ever I see your parrot near my ducks again, I’m going to shoot it dead. My poor ducks are worn out and I won’t be having it anymore.”
Mrs Morgan turned to her parrot angrily “You hear that, if it happens again I shall punish you so badly you’ll never forget it.”
A week went by and the parrot behaved himself, but one afternoon when all was quiet he escaped again to do the evil deed.
“That’s it!” she screamed, and taking a pair of shears from the garden shed, she cut all the feathers off his head until he was completely bald. The following day, Mrs Morgan was hosting a cocktail party and the parrot was put in the corner and ordered not to move all night. As the guests arrived they were greeted by their hostess and then the parrot in the corner who would say loudly but politely “Good evening Sir, Good evening Madam.”
However, the last two guests to enter were both bald and as soon as the parrot caught sight of them he screamed, “OK, you two duck shaggers, over here in the corner with me.”
* * *
Three men on the way home from work were moaning about their dull, tedious lives.
“Let’s try and liven it up a bit,” said one, “I know, when we get home, we’ll do exactly whatever our wives tell us to do.”
They all shook hands and went their separate ways, agreeing to meet up the next morning and swap stories. The following day, on the way to work the first one told them what happened.
“I got in, lit a cigarette and all of a sudden I sneezed. The cigarette dropped out of my mouth onto our new sofa and burnt a hole.
“Why don’t you burn the whole house down while you’re at it?” my wife said. “So I did. I haven’t seen her since, she stormed off threatening me with divorce.”
The second man looked very downcast.
“My wife’s gone home to her mother. When I got in last night I decided to mow the lawn but I went over a pebble which flew up and broke the kitchen window and she said,
“Well done! Why don’t you smash them all?”
“So I did, and that’s when she left.”
“That’s nothing,” replied the third man, “My wife’s reported me to the police for indecent assault. She’d gone out for the evening and by the time she got home I was already in bed.
Of course, when she got in beside me the old todger started to look lively so I put me hand on her pussy but she didn’t want to know.
“You can cut that out,” she said, “so I did. Does anyone want a toupee?”
* * *
What is the definition of a real friend?
One who goes into town and gets two blow jobs, then comes back and gives one to you.
* * *
Two women talking over the garden wall. The first said “It’s no good Julie, I’m at my wits end. I can’t stand the sight of George any longer. He treats me like shit, he’s never at home, he just uses the place as an hotel and I know he’s shagging everyone in sight. It’s had a terrible effect upon me, I’ve already lost a stone in weight.
“Leave him Sylvia, leave him today and take him for everything you can,” replied her outraged friend.
“Oh I will, I will, but first I’ve just got to lose another half stone.”
* * *
Finding her cooker had packed in, Beryl called up the repair man and arranged for him to come round on Tuesday morning.
“I won’t be in,” she said, “but I’ll leave my key with the next door neighbour. Please leave the bill with her when you’ve finished and I’ll pop a cheque in the post. Oh, by the way.
I’ve got ‘growler’ – a very fierce guard dog – but you’ll be alright if he sees the neighbour let you in. I’ve also got a parrot but be warned, whatever you do, please don’t say anything to it.”
Having been given all the instructions the repair man went round on Tuesday morning and soon had the cooker repaired, although the whole time he’d been there he’d had to put up with a stream of obscenities from the parrot. As he was packing up to go his temper snapped and he turned to the parrot, saying, “You fucking little bastard, drop bloody dead.”
The parrot went very quiet and then with a gleam in his eye rose to his full height and said “Growler, kill…kill growler.”
* * *
A man looks over his garden wall to see his neighbour digging a hole in the back garden.
“What are you up to?” he asks.
“I’m digging a hole for my dead hamster,” he replies.
“Sorry to hear that, but it’s a big hole for a hamster isn’t it?”
“Of course it is, it’s inside your fucking cat” he yells.
* * *
Two mates are out fishing for mackerel when their boat hits a rock and sinks almost immediately.
“Help, I can’t swim!” cries Jack.
“Don’t worry, jump on my back and I’ll swim for the shore,” replies Colin. For an hour Colin battles with the waves but eventually drags himself up onto the beach.
“Hell fire” he pants “I’m fucked.”
“Yes, sorry about that” says Jack “it was the only way I could stay on.”
* * *
“…and another thing” continued the complaining woman, “I now know what eternity feels like. It’s the time it takes between you coming and him leaving.”
* * *
Two men, who’ve been good friends for years, go off hiking over the Yorkshire Dales. They walk 20 miles during the morning and stop for lunch at the Travellers Rest for sandwiches and a few pints of beer. Of course, halfway through the afternoon Bob is dying for a pee and rushes into the undergrowth to relieve himself. All of a sudden Pete hears a mighty scream and rushing over, he discovers that Bob has been bitten on his todger by a rare snake.
“Don’t worry Bob, I’ll go and get help,” says Pete, and he sets off for the nearest village. The doctor tells him that his mate will die unless he acts immediately.
“You need to suck out all the poison from the wound as soon as possible.”
Pete returns to Bob who’s lying there in agony.
“What did he say” asks Bob.
“Sorry mate, the doctor says you’re going to die.”
* * *
Three men go away for the weekend on a hunting trip and as they are sitting round the camp fire on the first night, they start bragging.
The first said,
“If it hadn’t been for my quick thinking, our next door neighbours would never have survived the fire. I happened to see smoke coming out of an upstairs window, so I immediately rushed into their house and dragged them all from their beds before the whole place went up.”
“Very good,” said the second man, “but I foiled a daring bank raid. There I was in the bank when these armed men burst through the door and took everyone hostage. With my quick thinking, though, I managed to hide in the utilities cupboard and when all was quiet, I got out and set off the alarm.”
The third man said nothing. He just continued stirring the hot ashes with his penis.
* * *
Three female friends were walking in the country when they stumbled across a very old bottle, half hidden in the earth.
On taking the stopper out, a genie appeared and told them he had the power to grant them more intelligence.
The first woman, who was a ‘plain Jane’, asked for 50% more intelligence and she was turned into a world renowned surgeon.
The second woman asked for 25% more intelligence and she became a teacher. The third woman who was a bit of a stunner and one for the men, replied “I don’t think I want any. It’s good to be dumb, men will do anything for you. In fact, I think I’d like to be even dumber.”
And on saying that, she turned into a man.”
* * *
Two old men were gossiping at their old school reunion.
“I hear old Bates is living with a gorilla” said one.
“Well I never, is it male or female?”
“Female of course. You know old Bates, there’s nothing unnatural about him.”
* * *
Two young girls talking over the garden fence.
“Honestly Fiona, my new boyfriend’s got submarine hands.”
“What do you mean?”
“You never know where they’ll turn up next.”
* * *
A very poor, uneducated and plain woman found herself in dire straits. She was only 30 but already she had 5 children and her husband had abandoned her. A kindly welfare worker took the family on and managed to re-house them, sort out debts and get her a little job. A year went by before the welfare worker saw the woman again, but to her shock and amazement she was 5 months pregnant.
“Oh no, why have you done this, you were just getting back on your feet and building up your self respect. Whose is it?”
The woman looked tearful and replied, “It’s the next door neighbours. I was just so flattered that he’d actually asked me.”
* * *
Sitting over his pint of beer, the man looked very downcast.
“What’s wrong?” asked the bartender.
“I tell you what’s wrong” he said, “nobody appreciates me round here. Look what I did for the old people’s home, putting on that musical evening to raise money for their outing. But do they call me Fred the entertainer? No. Then look what I did with that piece of wasteland. Changed it into a park for everyone to enjoy. But did they call me Fred the landscape artist? Not bloody likely. Yet, he said, sadly taking another sip of beer, “just one, just one bloody sheep…”
* * *
Two women are talking over the garden wall and one is complaining about her piles.
The other says to her,
“I know just the remedy. Stick some tea leaves up there and you’ll soon be cured.”
However, this remedy doesn’t work so the woman is forced to go to the doctors.
“Bend over please,” he says, and while he’s examining her she asks him if he can see anything.
“Not a lot,” replies the doctor, “but I can forecast that you’re going to come into some money and spend it on a round the world cruise.”
* * *
A single man moved in next door to a couple and it wasn’t long before he and the wife became attracted to each other, but they managed to keep their feelings in check. Then one hot summer’s afternoon, the single man went round for afternoon tea. While there, he noticed the couple’s guttering was full of weeds so he volunteered to go up the ladder and clear it for them. While he was up there, the couple lay out on the lawn sunbathing and as the husband rubbed sun lotion on his wife’s back, the man shouted down.
“Heh, you two, no sex down there!”
“We’re not!” they yelled.
A couple of minutes went by and the man up the ladder shouted again.
“Hey, stop all that sex!”
Again, they shouted up, “We’re not having sex.”
Some time later, the man came down for a rest and the husband said he’d finish off. So up he went leaving his wife and next door neighbour sunbathing on the lawn. The nearness of their bodies was too much for them and soon they were making mad passionate love.
“Well, bugger me,” said the husband, looking down from the ladder. “Up here, it really does look as if they’re having sex.”
* * *
A couple and their precocious son moved into the close and invited all their neighbours round for a ‘getting to know you’ cocktail party. Unfortunately, the young son, who should have been in bed, kept coming back down and bothering his parents. “Don’t worry,” said the retired Sergeant-Major, “I’ll soon get the boy settled.”
After a few minutes the guest rejoined the party and nothing more was seen of the son. The party was a great success and everyone left a little the worse for wear.
“Oh, by the way,” said the couple to the Sergeant-Major as he was putting on his coat to leave, “Thank you for settling down our son, what is your secret?”
“Oh quite simple really, I just taught him how to masturbate.”
* * *
Three women were discussing safe sex. The first said she used the pill, the second said she always carried a packet of condoms and the third said she always used a tin with a few pebbles inside.
The other two looked at her in amazement.
“How does that work?” they asked.
“Oh, it’s easy really. I get the man to stand on the tin and when I hear the pebbles start to rattle I kick it out from under him.”
* * *
Two women are talking over the garden wall and the conversation turns to money.
“You know, Lauren, I’ve discovered a great way to get more money out of my old man. Last week I wore a low necked jumper when we went shopping and as I bent over the supermarket freezer one of my boobs popped out. You should have seen Bill, he nearly had a blue fit. I told him it was because I didn’t have enough money to buy a new bra so he’s increased my housekeeping. You ought to try it.”
The following week, the two women met up for another chat and Lauren was asked if she had taken her friend’s advice.
“Oh, it was a disaster,” exclaimed Lauren. “We were just about to go down the bingo when I lifted my skirt and told my husband I had no knickers on because I couldn’t afford to buy any. The old skinflint, he threw me a quid and told me to buy a comb. At least you can look tidy, he said.”
* * *
Two women were talking over the garden wall.
“Well come on Stace, how did your new hot date go last night?”
“Okay, I suppose, but I don’t think I’ll be going out with him again.”
“Why not?”
“Well, he’s a French Horn player and everytime we kissed, he stuck his fist up my backside!”
* * *
Two men were returning from a sales conference. One turned to the other and said “When I get home, I’m going to pour myself a large gin and tonic and put my feet up. What about you, Bob?”
“I’m going to tear my wife’s knickers off,” replied Bob.
“Gosh! I didn’t know you and your wife were still so passionate!”
“We’re not. It’s just that her knickers are far too tight round my waist.”
* * *
Two fishing pals meet up on the riverbank.
“Hello, Bob,” says his mate. “Long time no see, what’ve you been up to?”
Bob shakes his head sadly.
“I’ve been on my honeymoon.”
“Well, you sly old fox! You kept that quiet. I bet she’s a pretty lass.”
“No, not at all. In fact she’s ugly…and she’s useless in bed,”
Bob replies mournfully.
“But, I don’t understand. Why did you marry her then?”
“She’s got worms.”
* * *
Two young whales, one male, one female, grew up together happily roaming the ocean and enjoying each other’s company. But one day the peace was shattered when one of the whales spotted a trawler.
“That’s the bastard that killed my mum. Come on! I want to get my own back, will you help me?” he said.
“What are you going to do?” asked the other.
“I have an idea that if we both swim underneath the boat and spurt out water from our blow holes, we’ll manage to capsize the boat.”
So they carried out the plan and it worked perfectly. The trawler capsized and some of the survivors were left floundering in the water.
“Heh! We can’t let them get away,” said the avenging whale,
“Will you help me to eat them up?”
“Now hold on a minute,” she replied. “I didn’t mind helping you with the blow job but there’s no way I’m going to swallow any seamen.”
* * *
Three women met up for tea and couldn’t help but boast about their husbands. “Well of course, my husband is now a high court judge. It was expected. He’s had a brilliant career,” said the first.
“My Gerald runs the Foreign Office,” said the second.
“Now my husband, Martell…”
“Wait a minute,” interrupted the first lady, “isn’t Martell a liquor?”
The third lady was amazed. “How did you know, have you met him?”
* * *
Two young women talking over the garden wall. “You know Julie, this is the last straw,” said Carry. “I’ve had it up to here with men, they lie, cheat and are no damned good. From now on, if I want sex, I’ll use a vibrator.”
“But what if the batteries run out, what will you do then?” she asked her friend.
“Then I’ll do what I did with Harry, I’ll fake an orgasm.”
* * *
Three sisters, named Flora, Fiona and Fanny lived in the same village in Yorkshire and were renowned for their beauty, although all of them had extra large feet. One evening, Flora and Fiona went to the local village bop and were soon chatting to some lads from the next village.
“By gum,” said one of the lads. “Haven’t you got big feet!”
“Oh that’s nought” they replied. “You should see our Fanny’s.”