Adult Joke Book: Football

Two Manchester United fans are walking along the street when one of them sees a mirror on the ground. He picks it up and says, “Hey, I recognise that bloke.”

The other man takes it from him and replies,

“Of course you do, you wanker, it’s me.”

* * *

Which 3 league teams have swear words in their names?

Arsenal, Scunthorpe United and fucking Chelsea.

* * *

A Torquay United fan is walking through the park one day when he stumbles over an old lamp. A genie pops out and tells him he has just one wish, what would he like? The man looks down at his dog and tells the genie he would like his dog to win the Crufts Dog Show to become supreme champion.

“You’ve got to be joking,” replies the genie, “Just look at him.

He must be on his last legs, he’s a flea bitten old mongrel with half a tail.”

“OK,” sighs the man, “in that case can you make Torquay win the FA Cup?”

The genie looks at him for a moment and then says, “OK, let’s have another look at the dog then.”

* * *

A footballer got kicked in his vital parts and lay doubled up on the ground holding himself and moaning.

“Are you alright mate?” asked the first-aid man, rushing up to him.

“For Christ’s sake,” groaned the man. “Whatever you do, don’t rub them, just count them!”

* * *

Every weekend, her husband would be out playing football with his local team and while he was away, Gloria would entertain her lover. However, disaster struck one afternoon when the pitch was so waterlogged that the husband came back early.

“Quick,” whispered the wife, “crouch down behind the sofa, it’s too late to get away.”

Unfortunately, the husband settled himself down and didn’t look as if he was going to move.

“Bugger this,” muttered the lover to himself, and he stood up wearing only jockey shorts and a vest saying, as he walked out of the door, “Bloody weather, can’t see a thing, you didn’t see which way the cross country runners went?”

* * *

Visiting a strange town for the night, Roger decided to go and see their local football team who were playing in a cup match. As he arrived, he saw the team posing on the pitch and one man holding the ball on his shoulder.

“What’s going on?” he asked the man next to him.

“It won’t be long, they’re just posing for this week’s ‘Spot the Ball’ competition,” he replied.

* * *

The manager was talking to his new mid-field player.

“We’ve got a much more important match on Saturday so tonight you’ll just play the first half and I’ll pull you off at half time.”

“Gee Boss, thanks. At half time at my old club, all we got was a slice of orange.”

* * *

The manager came into the dressing room as the team were changing for the match.

“Where’s Bob?” he demanded.

“He sends his apologies, Boss, but he’s getting married at 2.45.”

“Bloody hell, that means he won’t be here to play until the second half.”

* * *

Three aged football fanatics visit a spiritualist to find out what the future has in store for their teams. When God has been contacted, the first one asks, “When will Manchester United win the European Cup?”

“Within the next ten years,” replies God.

“Oh bugger, I’ll probably be dead by then.”

So the second old man asks God, “When will Torquay United win promotion to the Premier Division?”

“In the next fifty years,” comes the reply.

“Hell fire, I’ll definitely be dead by then.”

Finally, the third man asks, “When will England win the World Cup?”

“You must be joking,” says God. “I’ll be dead by then.”