“Hello Mrs Palmer, I’m your husband’s boss and I’m just calling to say he’ll be late home tonight.”
Eager to keep her husband’s boss happy, the wife invites him in for a coffee but when he starts to suggest they go upstairs she quickly refuses.
“Come on” says the boss, “I can show you a good time and I’ll even give you £300 for the pleasure.”
They were short of money so the wife agrees and the deed is done. Later that night, the husband returns home and asks his wife if she has had any visitors.
“Just your boss to tell me you’d be late home” she replies.
“Oh good,” he says, “and did he drop off my wage packet?”
* * *
A man buys two dogs from the pet shop but after a week he realises he can’t keep them apart. They spend all their time humping one another and no matter what he does – throwing cold water over them, putting pepper on their backsides – they carry on regardless. One night, it’s so bad the man rings the vet, even though it’s 1 o’clock in the morning, and tells him the problem.
“I’ve got the answer” says the vet, “give each of the dogs a ring on the telephone.”
“Really! Will that work?” replies the man, amazed.
“Well it bloody well worked for me, you prat!” bellowed the vet as he slammed the phone down.
* * *
Two window cleaners were each working on a separate office block when Ted shouted over to his mate, “Hey Pete, come over here a minute.”
Pete put down his sponge and began lowering the cradle to the ground. However, 1m from the bottom, it stuck and as he jumped out, his shirt caught on a nail and ripped the material from top to bottom causing him to lose his balance, fall over and sprain his ankle. He hobbled over to the other building and called the lift so that he could reach his mate who was working on the 20th floor. Unfortunately, the lift was broken, so he had to hobble up the steps, but on the way he slipped on a wet patch and fell into the wall, giving himself a bloody nose. Eventually, he got to the 20th floor
and located his mate.
“I’m here Ted, what’s up?”
“Cor, you took your time! I just wanted to show you I could see your house from here.”
* * *
The woman was so pleased with the decorator’s work. The house was beautifully fresh and clean. She took her husband upstairs to see the finished results but he’d just been in the garden and left his dirty handprints all over the bedroom door. She could have cried with disappointment. The next morning when the decorator came to finish off she smiled sweetly at him and said,
“I really can’t thank you enough for such a good job. I just wondered if you would mind coming upstairs for a few minutes so that I can show you where my husband put his hand.”
The decorator visibly paled and stuttered his reply.
“No thanks, if its all the same to you. Just a letter of recommendation would be nice.”
* * *
A new colonel had just arrived at the remote outpost. It was his first assignment abroad and he was determined to make a name for himself.
“First of all, I would like a complete tour of the base,” he ordered his second in command, and for the next hour the colonel inspected every little nook and cranny, eventually
arriving at a small shed.
“What’s in there?” he bellowed.
“A camel Sir,” came the reply, and it was explained to the colonel that because the outpost was so remote, the men would sometimes get sexually frustrated and then they’d use
“Disgusting!, get rid of it immediately,” he ordered.
Three months went by and the colonel was badly missing the fairer sex. He swallowed his pride and asked if indeed the camel had been removed from camp.
“I’m sorry Sir, it is in fact still here,” said the second in command. With that, the colonel went down to the shed, dropped his trousers, got up behind the camel and gave it all
“There” he panted, “is that what the men do?”
Thoroughly embarrassed, the second in command replied,
“Not exactly, no Sir. The men ride the camel to the nearest whorehouse.”
* * *
“I would like to be painted in the nude” said the beautiful young girl to the famous artist.
“Okay” replied the artist, “but I’ll have to keep my socks on so I have somewhere to put my brushes.”
* * *
The ticket inspector was checking tickets on the 4.30 to Croydon when she stopped by a man who opened his raincoat and flashed his tackle.
“Oh no, that’s no good” she replied with vigour. “I want to see your ticket, not just the stub!”
* * *
The man came into work, one arm in a sling, a bandage round his head, 2 black eyes and a painful limp.
“And what time do you call this?” asked his boss. “You’re very late.”
“I’m sorry sir, I tripped over the garden step” said the poor man.
“Oh yeah, and it took, a whole hour to do that, did it!” he replied scornfully.
* * *
Two men were painting a bridge over the River Seven. One was in a cradle at the top and the other was in a second cradle further down, steadying the ropes.
“Throw me up some paint thinner” shouted the first man.
“Oh thanks” said the second man, who was hard of hearing.
“I’ve been on this diet a month now.”
“No, I said throw me up some thinner.”
“Yes thanks, I’ve had my dinner.”
“Listen, you stupid prat, I said PAINT THINNER” he bellowed.
“Oh right,” and the second man threw him up a bottle of paint thinner which unfortunately hit him on the head causing him to fall out of the cradle and plunge into the icy waters, never to be seen again. The following month, an inquest was held and before the verdict was announced the coroner asked whether anyone present had anything to say.
His mate got up and replied,
“Just one thing, Mr Coroner Sir. I think his accident had something to do with sex.”
“Really? Why’s that?”
“Well, as he passed me going down he shouted ‘Cunt’.”
* * *
Two shepherds are driving a lorry full of sheep back to their hillside farm when suddenly the brakes fail as they come hurtling towards a sharp bend in the road.
“Quick,” shouted one of the men, “Jump for it!”
“What about the sheep?” shouted the other.
“Oh fuck the sheep,” he cried.
“What! do you think we have time?”
* * *
The electricity man called round at number 63 Ramtop Drive to turn on the power for the new tenants. After knocking at the door for some time it was eventually opened by a small boy.
“Where’s your mum, son?” he asked.
The little boy didn’t answer but just pointed at the stairs. So, thinking there was something wrong, he went up the stairs and walked into the bedroom. There on the bed was a woman being shagged by a huge billy goat. He rushed back down the stairs, badly shaken by what he had seen, and stammered at the little boy.
“Son, son, do you know what’s going on up there, do you know what they’re doing?”
The boy just looked at him and then said,
* * *
Johnny also works by touch.
His job was like a pubic hair on a toilet seat.
He was bound to get pissed off eventually.
* * *
Secretary to her boss.
“Excuse me Sir, the invisible man’s here.”
“Well tell him I can’t see him,” he answered.
* * *
His secretary was absolutely useless.
“Why don’t you answer the bloody phone?” he said in exasperation.
“Because I’m damned well fed up,” she replied.
“Nine times out of ten it’s for you.”
* * *
Did you hear about the man who lost two fingers working in the car factory?
Funnily enough he didn’t realise he’d lost them until he left work and waved goodbye to the foreman.
* * *
A man was working on the sewage farm when he suddenly lost his footing and slipped in.
“Help, fire, fire, fire!” he yelled.
In no time at all the fire engine responded.
“Where’s the fire then?” asked the chief fire officer.
“There isn’t one” replied the worker. “But if I’d shouted “shit, shit, shit, no one would have rescued me.”
* * *
As the man crossed the street he tripped up and broke his watch on the side of the pavement.
“Damn” he muttered, “I must get it mended,” and looking around he saw a shop with a huge clock in the window.
Thinking it must be a watchmakers, he went in and asked the owner to mend his watch.
“I’m sorry Sir, I don’t mend watches, I perform circumcisions.”
“Then why do you have a huge clock in your window?” replied the man, feeling somewhat irritated.
“Well what would you put in the window?” said the owner.
* * *
A man rings up his boss to tell him he won’t be in to work.
“I’m sorry, I’m sick,” he tells him.
“Sick again?” says the boss angrily “This seems to be happening a lot. How sick are you?”
“Pretty sick” replies the man. “I’m in bed with my sister.”
* * *
The multinational company was looking for a new Director General and three men were up for the job. To test their undying loyalty to the company, they were all asked to do the same thing. Go into the other room and shoot your wife,” they ordered the first man, handing him a gun.
“Oh no,” gasped the man. “My wife means more to me than anything, I can’t do it.”
So he was dismissed.
The second man was given similar instructions. Handing him a gun they ordered him to go next door and shoot his wife dead.
“I can’t do it,” replied the ashen-faced man, “Tomorrow is our 25th anniversary and we’ve lived a very happy life.”
So the second man was dismissed.
The third man came in, a gun was passed to him and he was told to go into the next room and kill his wife. The man did as he’d been instructed and went next door. At first there was complete silence but all of a sudden they heard an awful scream, furniture falling over and then all went quiet. A moment later the third man returned.
“What happened in there?” they asked.
“Some prat put blank cartridges in the gun so I had no choice but to strangle her,” he replied.
* * *
Two simple lads were working in the sawmill when Jack accidentally cut his arm off. As quick as lightening his mate, Pete, put it in a plastic bag and rushed them both to hospital.
After four hours the brilliant surgeon had sewn the arm back on and within 3 months Jack was as good as new. That winter Jack was so cold, his concentration slipped and he cut off his
right leg. Quick as a flash Pete wrapped up the leg in a plastic bag and rushed them to hospital. Although the operation was more difficult, the surgeon, once again, miraculously attached the leg back to Jack’s body and after 6 months he had fully recovered. The months went by until one day Jack fell asleep at work and cut his head off. Ready for every emergency, Pete got the head in a plastic bag and rushed them to hospital.
“This is a very difficult operation” said the surgeon “it’s touch and go.” He told Pete to come back the following morning to see how things were progressing. The next day Pete arrived at the hospital and met a very serious looking surgeon.
“I’m sorry, your friend didn’t make it.”
Grief stricken, Pete replied, “I know you did all you could doc, but you did warn me it might not work.”
“Oh it wasn’t the operation” said the surgeon, “that was successful, but Jack had suffocated in the plastic bag.
* * *
The milkman couldn’t believe the note left on the doorstep, requesting 60 gallons of milk. Intrigued, he rang the doorbell to make sure the order was correct and a beautiful woman, covered only by a towel opened the door.
“Oh yes” she said, “I read somewhere that bathing in milk did wonders for your sex life.”
“Would that be pasteurised?” he asked.
“No, up to my tits is enough,” she answered.
* * *
A dog walks into a greengrocers carrying a basket and a list in his mouth. He gives the list to the shop assistant and the basket is soon full of apples, oranges, a melon and 2lb plums.
“That’ll be £3.50,” says the assistant and the dog passes over a purse. He counts out the right money, hands back the purse and the dog leaves the shop. Over the next few weeks the dog appears regularly in the shop and the assistant becomes more and more curious about where he comes from. Eventually he decides that when the dog next comes in, he’ll close up and follow the animal home. The following Thursday afternoon the dog appears and the assistant follows him home. It’s at least a mile to walk and throughout the journey the dog shows remarkable skills in crossing the
many busy roads. At last he walks up the garden path of a squalid looking house and knocks on the door. A moment later it’s opened by a fat, scruffy looking man who kicks the dog back down the path. “Outraged at such behaviour, the assistant rushes up shouting “How dare you treat this amazing dog in such a callous way?”
“Bugger off,” replies the man, “The dog’s got to learn. It’s the third time this month that he’s forgotten his keys.”
* * *
The man had only been working at the zoo for a week when he was asked to show round a group of foreign tourists. One of the women asked him what the difference was between echidnas and porcupines.
“The echidnas pricks are longer,” he replied.
The answer caused great discomfort amongst the group and once they had gone the boss took him to one side and asked him to be more careful with his choice of words in the future.
“It’s quills,” he said, “use the word quills.”
A couple of weeks later another group of tourists were doing the rounds.
“Heh, look at that porcupine,” said one of them.
“No Sir,” corrected the zoo keeper, “it’s an echidna. It’s smaller, not so dark and it’s quills are longer … but their pricks are about the same size.”
* * *
It was the local County Show and a new vet was touting for business. He approached an old farmer who was showing off his prize herd of cows.
“Hello Mr Oldham, I’m just setting up a new practice in these parts and I was wondering if you’d ever considered artificial insemination for your cows?”
“No, I haven’t,” replied the farmer, “and to be honest I don’t rightly understand all these modern ways.”
“Well, if you change your mind I can always come out to your farm and give you a demonstration” said the vet.
Some weeks went past and the farmer remembered the conversation at the County Show and being curious as to how a cow could be serviced without a bull, he gave the vet a ring.
“OK Mr Oldham,” answered the vet, “I’ll be out in the morning, just make sure the cow’s been washed down, have some clean straw, a bucket of hot water and a stool.”
The next day the vet arrived and asked the farmer if all was ready.
“Oh yes,” said the farmer, “I’ve even put a nail on the wall for you to hang up your trousers.”
* * *
The milk lorry is just leaving the farmyard when it runs over and kills the prize rooster. Upset at what he’d done, the driver seeks out the farmer’s wife to tell her what has happened.
“I’m really sorry Madam, I didn’t see your rooster until it was too late, but I’d like to replace it.”
“Well that’s OK with me,” she replied. “You’ll find the chickens round the back.”
* * *
A boss called one of his workers into the office.
“Now listen, Simms, you’re going to have to pull your socks up or I’ll have to sack you. For the past few weeks you’ve been constantly late, you’ve made silly mistakes and you’ve not been civil to your fellow workers. What do you have to say for yourself?”
“I’m sorry, Sir. Things aren’t right between me and the wife and I’m sick with worry.”
Now the boss was a kindly man, so he gave him some advice.
“Now Simms, you’ve got to show them that you don’t take them for granted. Why! Look at me. When I get home I give my wife a long, lingering kiss, give her a present and then make mad passionate love. I’ll give you the afternoon off, so why don’t you do the same thing?”
“I don’t know what to say,” gasped Simms. “Thank you very much…by the way, what’s your address?”
* * *
One of the most important rules in the hand-made chocolate company was that all employees MUST wash their hands after going to the toilet. One day, the boss was passing just as two workers were coming out of the toilet, still zipping their flies up. He stopped them and said angrily, “Did you wash your hands? Remember these are hand-made chocolates.”
“No, we don’t need to,” replied one of them. “It’s 12.30 and we’re off to lunch!”
* * *
A travelling salesman had just delivered to the local farmer when he noticed a horse beckoning him over from a nearby field.
“Look at me in this bloody useless field,” said the horse to the man. “I should be treated like royalty, the number of races I’ve won, everything from the Cheltenham Gold Cup to the Grand National,” he boasted.
The salesman looked at the horse in awe. If he owned a talking horse, imagine the money he could make! So he went and sought out the farmer.
“I’d like to buy your horse,” he said.
“You don’t want him,” the farmer replied.
“I certainly do, and I’ll give you £50,000 for him,” he persisted.
“Okay, it’s a deal,” said the farmer and they shook hands.
“By the way,” asked the man, looking puzzled. “Why wouldn’t I want the horse?”
“Because he’s a bloody liar, he’s never won a race in his life.”
* * *
A man rings up his ex-boss but is told by the secretary that Mr Grinder has passed away. All day the man continues to ring until the secretary eventually says, “Why do you keep calling?”
“I just like to hear you say it,” says the man happily.
* * *
A weary travelling salesman had just spent two weeks visiting all his northern clients but was unable to get home because of bad weather. He was forced to stay at an hotel for the night. Just as he was finishing dinner and preparing to go up to his room, he bumped into one of his best clients who had also been stranded. “I’m so glad to see you, Cooper,” said the client, smiling. “Would you mind if I shared your room for the night, the hotel is full?”
Cooper didn’t have much choice. Only that day, he’d taken a large order from him so he agreed and they retired to his double-bedded room. However, in the middle of the night, he suddenly felt a hand caress his private parts and a kiss was planted on the side of his face!
Returning home the next day, he told his wife what had happened.
“What did you do?” she asked.
Cooper shrugged his shoulders.
“I didn’t have much choice, I couldn’t afford to lose such a large order.”
* * *
The business is doing badly and one of two people from middle management will have to go. It’s not an easy decision, as both Theresa and Jack have been there a long time and they’re both very good. The first one to leave work tomorrow will get their cards, decides the Personnel Manager; that’s the only way he can think of doing it. The following evening, 30 minutes before she usually leaves, Theresa tells Jack she has a bad headache. It could be a migraine coming on, so she’s going to go home early. As she gets her coat, the Personnel Manager spots her and decides to take immediate action. He goes over to her and says, “There’s something I have to say to you, Theresa. I’m going to have to lay you or Jack off.”
“Jack off!” she retorted angrily. “I’ve got a bad headache.”