Adult Joke Book: Doctor’s Orders

A man went to the doctor feeling very depressed.

“What you need,” said the doctor, “is some companionship.

Go out and find a girl who likes to do the same things as you do.”

“But doc, why would I want a girl who likes whistling at other girls!”

* * *

A 20-stone man went to the doctor’s complaining of a bad chest. The doctor examined him with his stethoscope and then asked the man to strip off completely.

“Would you mind getting down on all fours and crawling over to the window for me, please?” he asked.

The man did as he was requested.

“Good, good,” murmured the doctor.

“Now would you mind crawling over to the wall on your right. That’s it, just between the chair and the filing cabinet.”

The doctor scratched his head thoughtfully. “Thank you very much, Mr White, you may get dressed now.”

Once he’d put his clothes back on, the man asked the doctor for his verdict.

“Oh you’re quite right, you’ve got a bad chest so I’ll give you a prescription for some antibiotics.”

“But doctor, how did crawling around the room help your diagnosis?”

“Oh it didn’t,” replied the doctor, “but I’m having a pale pink settee delivered next week and I was just interested to know where the best place to put it might be.”

* * *

“It’s no good, Mabel, I can’t find anything wrong with you, it must be the effects of drinking,” said the doctor.

“Well, in that case I’ll come back when you’re sober!” exclaimed the woman.

* * *

A very obese man went to the doctor’s and was told he would have to lose at least 7 stone.

“It’s no good,” wailed the man. “I’ve tried all sorts of diets and they never work.”

“Well, this one is different,” said the doctor. “You will take nothing by mouth, everything you eat will be through your rectum.”

A month went by and the man went back to the doctors looking very happy.

“Well done, you’ve lost nearly 4 stone, carry on like this and you’ll soon be down to the correct weight. Do you have any problems?”

“None at all,” said the man. “I’ll see you in a month’s time.”

As the man walked to the door, the doctor noticed that he was walking in an odd way.

“Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?” asked the doctor.

“You seem to be walking in a curious way.”

“No, everything’s fine, doc,” said the man. “I’m just chewing some bubble gum.”

* * *

“Doctor, doctor, I’m so embarrassed, I’ve got several holes in my willy and when I go for a pee it sprinkles out all over me and over anyone standing close by. Please say you can do something.”

The doctor considered the man for a few minutes and then wrote something down on a card.

“Here,” he said, “take this card, on it is the name of a man who can help you.”

“Oh thanks, doc, will he be able to cure me?”

“No, but he’s one of the country’s finest flute players and he’ll show you how to hold it properly.”

* * *

At first Johnny was embarrassed to find a lady doctor waiting for him in the surgery. She asked him to strip and then began examining him. As she put her soft, gentle hands on his body she said,

“Say 99 please.”

Johnny smiled and then as slowly as he could began 1… 2… 3…

* * *

A man suffering from constipation was given a course of suppositories by his GP. But a week later he was back complaining they hadn’t worked.

“Are you sure you’ve been taking them regularly?” asked the doctor.

“Of course I bloody well have,” he answered angrily. “What do you think I’ve been doing, sticking them up my arse?”

* * *

“Oh doctor, doctor,” said the embarrassed woman. “I think I suffer from being sexually perverted.”

“Can you tell me about it?” asked the doctor kindly. “I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think.”

“I can’t possibly,” she replied, blushing madly. “It’s too awful.”

After a few minutes of gentle persuasion the doctor eventually said, “You know, many people have strange perversions, even I do. So if you show me yours, then I’ll show you mine.”

“Well…” she stammered. “I like my bottom to be kissed.”

“Oh goodness, that’s not much,” said the doctor. “Pop round behind the screen and then I’ll show you mine.”

A couple of minutes later, the doctor called her round and he’s sitting there looking very smug.

“I thought you were going to show me your perversion,” she whined.

“Of course, look, I’ve shat in your handbag.”

* * *

A very worried woman went to the doctor’s to complain about the male hormone she was having to take.

“Oh doctor, I’m growing hair in all sorts of places.”

“Don’t worry, that’s not unusual in a case like this. Where in particular is the hair?”

“On my balls,” she replied.

* * *

There are only two men in the doctor’s waiting room. One has his arm bandaged up and the second is covered in food – potatoes in his hair, a lamb chop sticking out of his pocket, gravy running down his trousers and peas up his nose. The second man turns to the first and asks him what happened.

“Oh it’s my own fault,” he replies. “I was looking at this beautiful girl instead of watching where I was going. I tripped over a step and I think I might have broken my arm. What about you?”

“Oh it’s nothing much, I’m just not eating properly.”

* * *

A man went to the doctor’s feeling run down.

“What you need is a holiday,” said the doctor. “You need to get away from the routine, could you go abroad?”

“I sure could,” replied the man. “What’s she like?”

* * *

A woman took her son down to the doctor’s surgery.

“Doctor, tell me please, can a boy of 13 take out his own appendix?” she demanded.

“Indeed not,” said the doctor.

“There you are, I told you so,” she yelled at her son, “now put it back immediately.”

* * *

A couple went to the doctor’s and asked him if he minded watching them have sexual intercourse. The doctor was used to odd requests so he agreed and after it was over he charged them £35. The following week they returned and asked him again. He assured them that there was nothing wrong with their technique, but they were so insistent that he relented.

Again, he charged them £35.

However, when they came back a third time, the doctor became very suspicious.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked.

“You’re doing us a big favour, doc,” they said. “I’m married, my girlfriend lives with her mum, and the hotels are very expensive. If we come here it only costs us £35 and I can claim it back on my private health insurance.”

* * *

A married couple went along to the doctor’s because their love life was very unsatisfactory. The doctor began by asking, “Mr Jones, do you shrink from lovemaking?”

“No,” he replied. “I’ve always been this small.”

* * *

A woman goes to a sleazy back street doctor complaining that she doesn’t feel very well. Before she can say any more, he tells her to go into the other room, strip off and lay down on the bed. When he comes in, he’s so taken with her beauty that he immediately starts to fondle her whole body.

“Don’t worry, this is quite normal,” he simpers. “I expect you know what I’m doing?”

“I suppose you’re checking for anything unusual,” she replies.

“That’s right,” he responds, and then quick as a flash he strips off, lays on top of her and starts making love.

“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks.

“Oh yes,” she replies. “You’re getting herpes. That’s what I was trying to tell you earlier.”

* * *

The doctor was so excited. “This is absolutely amazing. You will become a celebrity and I will be interviewed in every medical journal around the world. You realise, Mr Lester, that you’re the first man ever to become pregnant.”

But the man did not share the doctor’s joy.

“Oh dear, what shall I do? I’m not married. What will my parents think? How will the neighbours react?”

* * *

“It’s no good, Mr Weeks, you’ll have to go on a healthier diet. Try eating more fruit,” said the doctor.

“But doctor, I do have a lot of fruit. Why! I have two slices of lemon in every gin and tonic.”

* * *

A woman went to the doctor’s with her son because she was concerned that his penis was too small and not growing normally.

“Nothing to worry about,” replied the doctor. “Every night, before he goes to bed, give him a cup of hot milk and put in a teaspoon of this special B16 powder. That’ll soon put things right.”

A few evenings later, the little boy walked into the kitchen to find his mum putting three tablespoons of the powder into a mug of hot milk. “But Mum,” said the boy, “the doctor only said a teaspoon.”

“Oh this is not for you,” she replied, “this is for your father.”

* * *

“Doctor,” asked the young pregnant woman. “My baby’s due any day, can you recommend the best position for delivering it?”

“Well, Mrs Goodly, the position most women choose is exactly the same position as when they conceived.”

“Oh no! For me that’s the 10.50 train from Paddington to Penzance.”

* * *

“Doctor, help me please, I can hardly walk, my backside’s killing me!”

“Mmm, bend over and we’ll see what’s wrong,” replied the doctor.

“Aah, I can see the problem, you’ve got a bunch of flowers stuck up there.”

“Thank goodness for that,” smiled the man. “Is there a message with them?”

* * *

The doctor examined the wife’s husband thoroughly before he turned to her and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t like the look of your husband.”

“Neither do I,” she replied, “but at least he’s useful around the house.”

* * *

“Doctor, doctor, please help me,” begged the man. “I can’t satisfy my wife, I think my penis is too small.”

The doctor replied, “I think we can do something about that.

Do you drink cider?”


“Mmm, cider tends to keep it small. What you need to drink are bottles of stout. Try that for a month and then come back and see me.”

A month later, the man returned to the surgery looking very happy.

“Aah, I can see it worked, you’re drinking the stout.”

“It’s worked alright, the sex is great now,” replied the man.

“But I don’t drink the stout, I give it to the wife.”

* * *

A man goes to the surgery feeling sick, but the doctor is unable to diagnose what’s wrong with him, so he takes some blood tests and tells him to return the following week.

However, he’s too ill to leave the house so his wife goes along to get the results.

“Oh dear, oh dear,” says the doctor, shaking his head, “it seems I have two patients by the name of Jack Brown, they’ve both had blood tests this week and the tests have been muddled up. It means your husband either has VD or Alzheimer’s disease.”

The poor wife is very distressed.

“What shall I do?” she asks.

“Don’t worry, it’s quite simple,” replies the doctor. “Take your husband on a long journey, go by bus and train, then leave him there and see if he can find his way home. If he does get home alright, then don’t let him fuck you.”

* * *

A very small woman went to the doctor’s complaining that her pussy hurt. After a thorough examination, the doctor looked puzzled.

“Does it hurt all the time?” he asked.

“Oh no, just when it’s raining.”

“Okay, well, next time it’s wet, come and see me.”

A few days later the woman turned up at the surgery and the doctor examined her again.

“Ah ha, now I see what the matter is. Nurse, hand me my scissors please.”

After a couple of minutes, the little woman stood up, overjoyed that the pain had gone.”

“What caused it?” she asked.

He replied, “Your wellingtons were too high. Once I’d trimmed an inch off all round, the problem was solved.”

* * *

As the woman walked into the surgery, the doctor greeted her. “Hello, Mrs Smith, would you mind going over to the window and sticking your tongue out?”


“Because I can’t stand the person living opposite.”

* * *

“Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm,” said the girl to her doctor.

“What do you take for it?” he asked.


* * *

“Doctor, doctor, please help me, I can’t stop farting. The only good thing is, they don’t smell.”

“Okay,” said the doctor, opening the window,” it will mean a small operation.”

“What! Will it be painful?”

“No, no, just an operation on your nose. Once we’ve cured that, we’ll see to the other problem.”

* * *

A man is suffering very badly from severe headaches, dizziness and spots before the eyes.

“I’m sorry to say,” said the doctor, “that you have got an infection in your testicles and unless you have them removed, the symptoms will spread.”

Unwilling to accept this dreadful diagnosis, the man consults two other doctors but they both give the same opinion. So resigned to his fate, the man has both testicles removed.

Some days later, in an effort to cheer himself up, he decides to go shopping. He visits the most exclusive gentlemen’s outfitters for miles around.

“Ah yes,” says the tailor. “You’re a 34 inch waist, 32 inch inside leg and 15?” collar size.”

“That’s very impressive” says the man. “How can you be so accurate?”

“Years of training, Sir,” replies the tailor. “I also know that you are a 40 inch chest, take size 11 inch in shoes and wear medium sized underpants.”

“Absolutely correct,” says the man, “except for the underpants. I take a small size.”

“Then may I suggest you change the size, Sir, otherwise you’ll eventually start to suffer from severe headaches, dizziness and spots before the eyes.”

* * *

A woman goes to the doctor complaining that two green marks have appeared on the inside of her thighs.

“Mmm,” says the doctor, puzzled, “now what can that be…”

He thinks for a while and then a smile crosses his face. “You don’t happen to go out with a gypsy, do you?” he asks.

“Why, yes, I do.”

“Well, that’s the answer. Tell your boyfriend that his earrings are not real gold!”

* * *

“Doctor, doctor, I think I may be impotent. When I try and make love to my wife nothing happens.”

The doctor thinks for a moment and then says, “Make an appointment for both you and your wife to come to the surgery and I’ll see what I can do.”

So the following week they both turn up at the surgery. The doctor takes the wife into another room and asks her to undress. Then he asks her to walk up and down, twirl around and jump in the air.

“Thank you very much, Mrs Smith, you can get dressed now.”

The doctor goes back into the other room and takes the husband to one side.

“Don’t worry, Mr Smith, there’s nothing wrong with you, your wife doesn’t give me a hard-on either.”

* * *

The beautiful curvaceous blonde patient was whispering frantically. “Oh please kiss me again, please kiss me again.”

“I don’t know,” replied the doctor, “it’s not right, I really shouldn’t be fucking you at all.”

* * *

The world-famous doctor was at his wit’s end. Never before had he been unable to find out what was wrong with a patient, but this man had him beaten. On five separate occasions, the doctor had examined him but could find nothing wrong.

There was only one thing to do. The next time the man came in he told him to urinate into a bowl. So the patient did as he was ordered. Then the doctor told him to shit into the same bowl, which the patient also did. Stirring the foul mixture together, the doctor made the man swallow a large jug full of the stuff and the man immediately vomited all over the floor. “Ah ah” shouted the doctor
triumphantly. “Now I know what’s wrong, you have an upset stomach.”

* * *

A girl goes to the doctor’s complaining of a strange mark on her chest. When she shows it to the doctor, he sees a letter C imprinted on her breasts.

“How did you get this?” he enquires.

“It’s my boyfriend. He wears a medallion around his neck which has a C on the end of it, representing the university he goes to – Cambridge. And when we make love, it presses into me.”

“Okay, well use this cream twice a day and it’ll soon go away,” says the doctor.

The next day, another girl visits the surgery. She’s complaining of a strange mark on her chest which is like the letter O.

“My boyfriend wears a silver O round his neck representing Oxford University and when we have sex, the weight of his body leaves a mark” she explains.

“I know just what you need,” says the doctor, and he gives her some cream. On the third day, another girl comes in to see him. This one has the imprint of an M on her chest.

“I know what that is,” says the doctor confidently. “I bet your boyfriend goes to Manchester University.”

“Oh no,” she replies, “but I do have a girlfriend at Wolverhampton Tech.”

* * *

“Doctor, doctor,” said the simple old woman, “I must have a hysterectomy, I really must.”

“But why?” asked the puzzled doctor.

“Because I’ve twenty grandchildren already and I don’t want any more!”

* * *

The old man hobbled into the doctor’s surgery and pleaded,

“Doctor, please help me, you’ve got to give me something to lower my sex drive.”

“Come on now, Mr Bates,” replied the doctor, looking at the doddering old man. “Your sex drive is all in the head.”

“That’s what I mean. I need something to lower it.”

* * *

“Doctor, doctor, is it alright to masturbate?” asked the concerned man.

“Everything in moderation,” replied the doctor.

“Is four times a day alright?”

“Well, that’s quite a lot, why don’t you get married, that’s a much better idea.”

“I am married.”

“And is everything fine in bed?”

“It’s great.”

“Then why do you need to masturbate so much?”

“She’s such a spoil-sport. She doesn’t like to do it during mealtimes.”

* * *

“A man goes into the doctor’s and says. “Every time I look in the mirror, I see myself as old and haggard.”

“Well at least there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight,” replies the doctor.