Adult Joke Book: Church Times

It was Saturday night and Ted and his two mates were all dressed up ready to paint the town red. But first, as usual, Ted popped into church for confession.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I slept with a woman who was not my wife.”

“I suppose it was Mary from the dairy.”

“No, Father.”

“Don’t tell me it was Beth at the Kings Arms?”

“No, Father.”

“Then it must have been that brazen hussy from the newsagent’s?”

After the priest had given out the penance, Ted went back outside to meet his friends. He smiled at them, saying, “It’s worked again, lads, I’ve got the names of another three ravers!”

* * *

The young priest was about to hear his first confession. Sitting further away was the old priest to keep an eye on him. After it was over, the young priest asked how he had done.

“Not too bad,” replied the old priest. “Just make sure you don’t say really! never! core! and wow! so much in future.

Stick to more tut tuts.”

* * *

A vicar went into a pet shop to buy something that would keep him company.

“I’ve got just what you need,” said the pet shop owner. “Take a look at this parrot. Not only does it talk but if you pull the string on his left leg he’ll sing ‘Rock of Ages’ and if you pull the string on his right leg, he’ll recite the Lord’s Prayer.”

“That is truly remarkable,” exclaimed the vicar, “but what happens if I pull both strings at the same time?”

“I fall off my bloody perch, you wanker,” screeched the parrot.

* * *

A simple-minded man was sitting opposite a priest on the train.

“Excuse me, why do you wear your collar back to front?” asked the man.

“It’s because I’m a Father,” replied the priest.

“But I’m a father too,” said the man, “and I don’t wear my collar back to front.”

“Aah, but the difference is, I’m a father to thousands.”

“Well, in that case,” retorted the man, “it’s not your collar, it’s your trousers you should wear back to front.”

* * *

The local priest rang up his oppo in the Church of England asking him for a favour.

“I’m supposed to hear confessions in half an hour but something unexpected has come up and I have to be the other side of the diocese by 2 o’clock. Will you take over from me here?” asked the priest.

“What! but I’ve never done it before.”

“It’s quite straight forward” said the priest. “Sit in with me for half an hour before I go and you’ll soon get the hang of it.”

So the vicar agrees and is soon hidden away within earshot of the confessional. The first person to enter is a woman.

“Father, I have sinned.”

“What have you done my child?”

“I have been unfaithful.”

“How many times have you been unfaithful?”

“Four times Father and I am truly sorry.”

“Very well, Put £2 in the box and say 10 Hail Mary’s and you’ll be absolved.”

Not long after another woman comes in.

“Father, I have sinned.”

“What have you done my child?”

“I have slept with a married man.”

“How many times?”


“Then put £1 in the box, say 5 Hail Mary’s and you’ll be absolved.”

Moments later the priest whispered to the vicar. “You see how it works? Take over from me now, I have to go.”

So the vicar seated himself comfortably in the confessional and immediately a woman sat down on the other side.

“Father, I have sinned,” she said.

“What have you done, my child?”

“I have committed adultery.”

“How many times?”

“Only once, Father.”

“Well, you’d better go back and do it again.”

“What! You want me to do it again?”

“Yes, it’s two for £1.”

* * *

“Hello Bob, how did you get that black eye?” asked John. “In church. As we stood up to sing, a large lady in front of me had her dress stuck in the cheeks of her bum, so I pulled it out but all I got in the way of thanks was a black eye.”

The following week the two men met again and John was amazed to see Bob had now got two black eyes.

“Don’t tell me you got the other black eye in church as well?” he said.

“Well that I did” said Bob. “I was in church with my son and when we got up to sing, the same woman had her dress stuck in the cheeks of her bum. Before I could stop him, my son had pulled the dress out. Now I know she didn’t like that so I put it back in … and that’s when she hit me.”

* * *

Mother Superior was talking to one of her young nuns.

“Sister, if you were out late at night on your own and a man attacked you, what would you do?”

“I would lift up my habit” she replied.

“Goodness me, and then what would you do?”

“I would tell him to drop his pants.”

“Oh, Lord! Save us!” uttered the shocked Mother Superior.

“And then what?”

“I would run away as fast as I could, and I can run much faster with my habit up, than he can with his trousers down.”

* * *

A man goes into the confessional and says.

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Yesterday, I cursed badly, using the F-word.”

“Why was that?” asked the priest.

“I was playing a round of golf, all was going well until I reached the 10th hole when my T-shot ended up in thick undergrowth.”

“Is that when you said the F-word?”

“No, I stayed calm, took my time and hit a clean shot out of the rough, down the fairway but at the last moment it hit a small branch and veered off into the bunker.”

“I like a game of golf myself” said the priest “that really is so annoying, was that when you used the F-word?”

“No, I tried not to let it get to me. I took my time and hit a beautiful ball up onto the green only 2 inches from the hole.”

“How frustrating, is that when you used the F-word?”

“No Father, I still remained calm…”

“Don’t tell me!” interrupted the priest, “You didn’t miss the fucking putt!!”

* * *

“Come in George,” said the Mother Superior to her gardener. “I hear you’ve got a complaint.”

“That I have,” he replied, “one of your nuns has been doing press-ups in my vegetable garden.”

“Well surely there’s no harm in that.”

“Aah, but you’ve not seen my cucumbers, they’re all ruined.”

* * *

A young girl went into confession and told the priest she had slept with four different men over the past week. Jack on Tuesday, Bill on Wednesday, Peter on Thursday and Chuck on Friday.

“Well my child” said the priest “on your way home tonight buy two lemons and suck on them.”

“But Father, will that cleanse me of my sins?” she asked.

“No, but it’ll take that bloody damned smile off your face.”

* * *

Two nuns were walking back to the convent late at night when they saw a suspicious man coming towards them.

“Quick” whispered one of the nuns. “Show him your cross and he may leave us alone.”

“Good idea,” replied the other and raising her voice as loud as possible she said angrily “Fuck off, you little bastard.”

* * *

A drunk staggers into church and wanders up the aisle moaning to himself.

“Help me, help me, it’s bloody agony.”

Eventually, he makes it into the confessional and all goes quiet. After a few minutes the priest decides he’d better find out if everything is alright so he says, “May I help you my son?”

“I don’t know” comes the reply, “it depends on whether you have any paper in there.”

* * *

In fact the story of Adam and Eve has become slightly mistold over the years. As it happens, Eve was created first and God gave her three breasts. But after a while she complained that she was in some pain because they kept bumping against each other, so he agreed to take the middle one away.

Time passed and Eve began to get bored so she asked God if he could make her someone to play with.

“Of course” replied God. “I’ll call him man … now where did I put that useless tit?”

* * *

The vicar knocked at the door and a boy of 14 answered, beer in one hand, a cigarette dangling from his mouth and girls hanging off his arms.

“Excuse me son” said the vicar somewhat taken aback “is your mum or dad in?”

“Fuck off” sneered the boy “does it look like it?”

* * *

Three nuns went to confession.

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned,” said the first nun, “I looked at a man’s penis.”

“Then wash your eyes with holy water,” said the priest.

In came the second nun.

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I touched a man’s penis.”

“Then go and wash your hands in holy water,” came the reply. The third nun went in and it was some time before she reappeared and joined her colleagues.

“Sorry I was so long,” she said, “I just had to go and gargle.”

* * *

A new vicar had taken over at the small village church of St Gregory and he was eager to make a good impression. After the service, the congregation emerged from the church and each shook hands with the vicar.

“Lovely sermon,” said one.

“It really made me stop and think,” said another.

All of a sudden, a rather scruffy man appeared and as he shuffled past he mumbled, “Load of bollocks.”

Determined not to be affected by this, the vicar carried on greeting his parishioners.

“Splendid sermon,” they said, “thank you very much”.

“Quite inspiring.”

The vicar beamed gratefully.

“Absolute crap, call himself a vicar?” came the mumbling of the scruffy man as he passed the vicar again. This time, the vicar was more upset and the situation worsened as the man kept appearing and making comments.

“Bored to tears”, “not worth listening to”, “what a prat!”

The vicar could take it no longer. He turned to one of the congregation and pointed out the scruffy man.

“Oh, you mustn’t worry about old Ned, Vicar,” said a kindly old woman.

“He’s not right in the head, he just goes around repeating what everyone else has said.”

* * *

“Oh Father, Father,” said the distressed woman to her parish priest. “How would you tackle a serious drink problem?”

“With a corkscrew,” came the reply.

* * *

A popular local dignitary had died and the church was full to overflowing with people who had come to pay their last respects. At the front of the church stood the coffin and just as the funeral service was about to start, an escaped lunatic jumped on top of it and started pulling at the clasp.

Immediately, one of the family hurried over and urged him to get down. But he refused to move.

“Look, I’ll give you £20 to get off,” said the man desperately but still the lunatic refused to move. Another member of the family came over and offered him £40. The lunatic shook his head. A third member came over and shouted, “Here, you can have £100.”

“No,” said the lunatic confidently. “I’ll open the box.”

* * *

Once a month, the vicar goes on a tour of his outlying parish and as he’s walking up the lane to one of the more remote farms he sees the farmer in a field shagging a goat. Averting his eyes he continues on and spots the farmer’s son behind the haystack being intimate with a sheep.

Then, just as he gets to the farmyard he catches sight of the old grandfather masturbating. Unable to control his disgust, the vicar marches up to the front door and knocks loudly.

“Oh, good morning, Vicar,” says the farmer’s wife, “this is a nice surprise.”

“Surprise my foot,” splutters the vicar. “I’ve just seen your husband shagging a goat, your son fucking a sheep and your grandfather having a wank.”

“Yes, I know, its very sad,” she says, “but you see, grandpa’s too old to go chasing the animals anymore.”

* * *

Two nuns are cycling down a narrow cobblestone street when one says to the other, “I haven’t come this way before.”

“Neither have I, it’s the cobbles you know,” the other replied.

* * *

A man had been shipwrecked on a desert island for more than a week when he spotted a boat coming towards him.

“Hurry up, man,” said the sailor, “Get on board quickly, there’s a tidal wave coming and you’ll be drowned.”

“No thank you,” said the man. “I have faith in Jesus, he will save me.”

An hour later, another boat appeared.

“Come on, don’t be silly, time’s running out, get on board.”

“No thanks,” said the man again. “I have faith in Jesus, he will save me.”

Two hours later, the tidal wave could be seen four miles away.

A third boat arrived and the man was urged to get aboard, but he still refused and within half an hour, the island was covered by the tidal wave and the man drowned.

A little later, up in heaven, the man bumped into Jesus.

“I had such faith in you, but you never came to save me and I drowned. I can’t believe it,” he moaned.

“You can’t believe it! What about me?” said Jesus. “I sent three bloody boats to save you!”

* * *

There was a knock on the Mother Superior’s door.

“Come in,” she called.

“Oh Mother Superior, you’ll never believe this but we’ve discovered a case of syphilis,” said the nun, visibly shocked.

“Oh good,” replied the ageing nun. “I really was getting fed up with the same old muscadet.”

* * *

Three nuns were talking and one was describing with her hands the huge melons she’d seen at the local market.

The second nun agreed the market was good value and described with her hands the great bananas she’s seen.

The third nun, who was very hard of hearing, asked, “Father who?”

* * *

Poor old John Gentle. He was such a timid man. Easily upset. One day, he was inside the cathedral courtyard when his stomach suddenly started to rumble and he produced an earth-shattering fart. The whole place went quiet and everyone stared long and hard at him.

Poor, poor John. His embarrassment was more than he could bear. He left town vowing never to return. However, five years went by, John had grown older and now sported a beard. He felt safe enough to return. As he arrived back he walked through the church courtyard once again and was
astonished to see that it now had flower beds and a tree-lined avenue.

“I hardly recognise the place,” he said to a man passing by.

“How long’s it been like this?”

“Oh, 18 months and 4 days since John Gentle farted in the courtyard.”

* * *

One Sunday, the priest happened to notice that one of his congregation took £10 out of the collection, instead of putting something in. He decided to say nothing about it, assuming the poor chap was in dire need of some money.

However the following Sunday it happened again and the priest felt he had to act. After the service was over, he took the man to one side and confronted him with his wrongdoing.

“Oh Father, please forgive me,” said the man, blushing profusely.

“I did it because I was in desperate need of a blow job.”

Surprised at the reply, the priest made the man promise that he would never steal again. But the incident stayed in the priest’s mind and later that evening, he decided to ring his old friend who was Mother Superior at the nearby convent.

“Good evening, Bernadette, sorry to disturb you at such a late hour. I wonder if you could tell me what a blow job is?”

She replied immediately. “About £10.”

* * *

The old farmer was nearing the end of his life and felt the need to confess his sins before it was too late. He went to see the local priest. “Father, I have something to tell you. For over twenty years I’ve been shagging my goats.”

The priest was so stunned, the only thing he could think of saying was “Were they nanny goats or billy goats?”

“Why Father!” said the farmer, deeply shocked, “nanny of course – there’s nothing queer about me.”