Adult Joke Book: Bedtime Stories

She took him up to her bedroom and while he waited for her to slip into something more comfortable he noticed her room was piled high with all sorts of cuddly toys. But that was soon forgotten once they got down to it and made love. After it was over he turned to her and said smugly, “How was it for you?” “Not bad, I suppose,” she replied, “you can pick anything from the bottom shelf.”

* * *

“You look a bit down in the mouth mate, what’s wrong?”

“T.h.e. w.e.d.d.i.n.g.’s o.f.f.”

“No! what happened.”

“I.f I t.a.l.k v.e.r.y s.l.o.w.l.y I d.o.n’t s.t.a.m.m.e.r.a.n.y.m.o.r.e. S.o I w.a.s i.n t.h.e p.a.r.k w.i.t.h m.y f.i.a.n.c.é.e a.n.d w.e s.a.w a d.o.g s.c.r.a.t.c.h.i.n.g h.i.s b.a.c.k. I s.a.i.d w.h.e.n w.e w.e.r.e m.a.r.r.i.e.d s.h.e c.o.u.l.d d.o t.h.a.t f.o.r m.e a.n.d s.h.e s.t.o.r.m.e.d o.f.f.”

“Why did she do that?”

“B.y t.h.e t.i.m.e I’d f.i.n.i.s.h.e.d s.p.e.a.k.i.n.g t.h.e d.o.g w.a.s l.i.c.k.i.n.g h.i.s b.a.l.l.s.”

* * *

The two young lovers are in the back of the car parked in a quiet country lane.

“Julie,” asks the man, “how about giving me some oral sex?”

“Oh no,” she replies forcefully, “if I do that you’ll never respect me again.”

A year goes by and during that time he asks her for oral sex on a number of occasions but she always refuses. Eventually they get married and on the honeymoon night he asks her again for oral sex but she replies, “No, I know you’ll never respect me again.” Many years go by and the couple are now
in their fifties. One day in bed the man turns to his wife and says, “Julie, after all these years of happily married life, a beautiful house, big car and two successful children, do you think we could have some oral sex? You know I will always respect you.”

So at last the wife gives in and sometime later as they’re relaxing in bed, the front doorbell chimes. He turns to her and says, “Hey cocksucker, answer that.”

* * *

Always good for a chat up line, Johnny said to the girl, “Hello there sweetheart, fancy a bit of sex?”

“Definitely not,” she retorted.

“Well, do you mind lying down while I do?” he replied.

* * *

Two girls boasting about their boyfriends.

“Jack’s unbelievable,” said the first girl. “He walks right up to me and puts it straight in.”

“That’s nothing,” said the second girl.

“Bob puts it in and then walks straight up to me!”

* * *

A tom cat was running frantically about the base of the tree while a female cat was giving him the come on from one of the branches.

“Why don’t you get up there and give her one,” asked a fellow cat walking by.

“Listen, mate, have you ever tried climbing a tree with a hard on?.”

* * *

The boastful man said to his girlfriend, “Darling, I’m going to fuck you so hard tonight you’ll never forget it.”

Later on in bed she turned to him and tapped him lightly on the head with a feather.

“What’s that for?” he murmured.

“Well, I guess in comparative terms I’m beating you severely round the head!”

* * *

A young man met his match when he picked up a girl in a bar and took her back to his place. They were soon in bed doing the business – time and time again she called for more. After a couple of hours the poor bloke was knackered and to gain a short reprieve he said he had to go and put the car away for the night. Once inside the garage he thought he’d better inspect his poor overworked friend so he put his hand down his trousers but couldn’t feel anything. In panic he pulled his trousers down and there it was all shrivelled up. He whispered gently to it, “It’s all right, you can come out now, she’s not here.”

* * *

Did you hear about the arrogant man who was making love to his new girlfriend?

She whispered, “Please be careful, I have a weak heart.”

“Nothing to worry about,” he replied. “I’ll be careful when I get up to the heart.”

* * *

Jack went to the psychologist complaining of insomnia.

“Don’t worry,” came the reply, “just start at your toes and slowly relax all your body bit by bit and then you’ll fall asleep.”

That night Jack did as he was instructed.

“Go to sleep toes, go to sleep feet, go to sleep ankles, now you knees, go to sleep legs…”

But just at that moment his wife walked into the bedroom wearing the skimpiest and most sheer of nighties.

“Wake up everyone,” he shouted.

* * *

A woman went to her vicar to seek advice on her forthcoming wedding. This was to be her third husband and she was not sure how to tell him that she was still a virgin.

“But how can that be?” exclaimed the vicar. “You’ve already had two husbands.”

“That’s true, but my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he did was talk about it, my second husband was a gynaecologist and all he did was look. But this time I’m sure it will be different. This time I’m marrying a lawyer so I’m sure to get screwed.”

* * *

What’s the similarity between Kodak and condoms?

They are both there to catch those special moments.

* * *

“Hello, hello, is that the vet?” said the distressed man. “Our dog has just swallowed a condom, what can I do?”

“Calm down, Sir, nothing to get too alarmed over, just keep the dog rested and I’ll be over after surgery.”

Surgery ended and the vet decided to ring first.

“Hello, it’s the vet here, how are things?”

“Oh everything’s alright now,” replied the man. “My girlfriend found another condom in the bathroom cabinet.”

* * *

“Billy, I’m pregnant and if you don’t marry me, I’ll kill myself,” wailed the girl.

“Oh June, you’re a brick, not only are you a good fuck, but you’re a good sport as well.”

* * *

A young man asks for shelter for the night when his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. The old couple invite him in, apologise for only having two bedrooms – one for them and the other for their unmarried daughter – but offer him the sofa for the night. Round about 4 am, it turns bitterly
cold and the old woman comes down to see if he’s alright.

“Would you like our eiderdown?” she asks.

“Oh no, no thank you!” he exclaims. “She’s already been down twice.”

* * *

A man is out on his first date with a woman who is sex mad.

On the way home, she lures him into the park and urges him to make love to her time and time again. Eventually, he’s so knackered, he tells her he’s just going to walk around and have a quiet smoke. As he does so, he bumps into a man coming home from the pub and he gets a great idea.

“Listen, mate,” he says. “My girlfriend over there is so hot, she’s worn me out. If I give you my gold watch, will you take over from me for a while?”

The man agrees and disappears into the dark undergrowth.

Five minutes go by, when suddenly the park ranger appears and shines his torch on the passionate couple.

“Now what have we here?” he says.

“Just making love to my wife” comes the reply.

“Well, can’t you do that at home?”

“But I didn’t know it was my wife until you shone the torch on us.”

* * *

A man comes home one night to find a nasty big rat humping a cat. The next day, he finds it humping a dog.

Amazed at the sight, he takes the rat indoors to show his wife.

“Heh, Doris, you’ll never believe what this rat…” but before he can finish, she interrupts him with a scream.

“Get that bloody sex maniac out of here.”

* * *

“You look upset, Jack, what’s wrong?”

“I’ve just found my wife in bed with my best friend.”

“Oh mate, I’m sorry to hear that. What did you do?”

“I told her to pack her bags and fuck off.”

“Good for you, and what about your best friend?”

“I got him by the scruff of the neck and said, ‘Bad dog!’”

* * *

“How dare you ask me if I’ve been to bed with anyone else, that’s my business,” she said angrily.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know that was your profession,” replied the young man.

* * *

Three dogs end up in the vet’s and start talking to each other.

“Oh well,” sighs the first, “this is it, they’re going to put me down for worrying sheep.”

“They’re putting me down as well,” says the second dog. “I bit the postman.”

The two dogs turn to the third dog, a big Alsatian, and ask him why he is there.

“Well, it happened a couple of days ago. My beautiful blonde owner got out of the bath, bent down to dry her feet and I couldn’t help myself. In a flash, I mounted her and went quite wild.

“I see,” reply the other dogs, “so you’re being put down as well.”

“Oh no, I’m here to have my nails cut.”

* * *

Taking a short cut home through the park one night, a spinster was confronted by a mugger.

“Give me all your money and jewellery,” he demanded.

“But, I haven’t got anything,” she replied.

Not believing her, the man started to search her body. His hands moved everywhere, inside her blouse and up her skirt until he was satisfied she wasn’t hiding anything. He was about to go when she said to him coyly, “Go on, keep trying, I can always write you a cheque.”

* * *

The man was a prat. On his first date with a rather large lady, he commented arrogantly, “My dear, I have climbed some of the highest mountains in the world, but getting on top of you is going to be quite a challenge.”

“Oh really!” she retorted. “I would have thought it all depended on the length of your rope.”

* * *

All night long, the man had been bragging to his girl friend about his many talents, but when he said cheekily, “You know, it’s a well-known fact that men with big dicks have small mouths”, she finally exploded.

“So that explains it,” she quickly replied, “because I could park a 10-ton truck in yours.”

* * *

After chatting with his mates at work, the policeman comes home full of new ideas to make his sex life more exciting.

When he sees his girlfriend he tells her of his new ideas.

“When I say Z Victor One to Sierra Oscar, you immediately run upstairs, strip off and jump into bed shouting ‘help me, help me’. Then you shout Z Victor 2 to Sierra Oscar and I’ll say ‘Don’t worry, I’m here to save you,’ jump into bed and give you a good rogering.”

So the next night, they put the plan into operation, but just as he’s getting into the full rhythm, she suddenly shouts out “Z Victor 3 to Sierra Oscar.”

Startled, he stops and gasps, “What’s that for?”

“That one means you’ll have to change your truncheon because the one you’ve got doesn’t seem to be having much effect,” she replies.

* * *

“May I have 3 French letters please, Miss,” asked the man in the chemist’s shop.

The bitter old woman looked at him scornfully and replied, “Don’t you Miss me, young man.”

“Oh sorry,” he replied “Make that 4 then, please.”

* * *

“Do you want to liven up your love life?” one friend said to the other.

“If so, mount her from behind and whisper in her ear ‘this is how I do it with your best friend.’ Then I bet you can’t stay on for more than 10 seconds.”

* * *

Two sperm were swimming along when one said to the other, “How long do you reckon it’ll take us to get there?”

“I think we’ve got quite a long way to go yet, we’ve only just passed the oesophagus.”

* * *

“It’s no good, it’s over” said Julie. “You are so bad in bed.”

“Oh come on,” said the man affronted, “how can you tell after 15 seconds?”

* * *

A married couple and the husband’s best friend go on holiday together and find they all have to share a bed in the caravan. On the first night the husband falls asleep very quickly so the wife turns to the best friend and suggests they have a bit of fun.

“But what about your husband?” he whispers. “He’s sure to wake up if we start anything like that.”

“No, no,” replies the wife, “he’s dead to the world once he goes to sleep but if you’re worried, pluck out one of his pubic hairs and see if he reacts.”

So the best friend does as he is told and the husband remains snoring. Convinced all is well, the two get down to it and so enjoy themselves, they repeat it half a dozen times, pulling out one of the husband’s pubic hairs each time to check he is still asleep. However, just as they are about to have sex a seventh time, the husband turns over and says, “Now hold on, mate, I don’t mind you fucking my wife but I’m pissed off that you think you can keep score on my arse.”

* * *

An emergency call was made to the local police station.

“Come quickly,” gasped the voice, “a burglar is trapped in the bedroom of an old spinster.”

“We’ll be right there,” said the desk sergeant. “May I ask who’s talking?”

“It’s me, the burglar, help!”

* * *

A female lecturer is telling a group of students how to teach maths to small children.

“It’s always a good idea for them to visualise the question.

For instance, if I said there were three cats on a wall and one was shot dead – how many were left? – the children would answer 2. They would be able to see the cats in their mind’s eye.”

At that point she was interrupted by one of the students.

“Excuse me, but I would have answered none to that question.”

The lecturer looked puzzled, repeated the problem but again the student shook his head.

“My answer would be none,” he said. “If one of the cats had been shot then the other two would have been out of there in a flash.”

She replied, “Well, in theory that wouldn’t be correct, however I like the way you think.”

The student continued, “May I ask you a question now? If there were three women walking down the street, one licking an ice lolly, one biting an ice lolly and one sucking an ice lolly – which one would you think was married?”

The teacher blushed profusely and stuttered a reply.

“Well … er … the one sucking the ice lolly.”

“No,” replied the student, smiling, “it would be the one wearing a wedding ring … still, I like the way you think!”

* * *

Two ducks meet in the hotel bar, have a few drinks and decide to book into a room for the night. But ever mindful of safe sex, they ask room service for a packet of condoms.

A few minutes later the condoms arrive and the waiter asks, “Shall I put it on your bill, Sir?”

“Not bloody likely,” bellows the male duck, “I’m not some kind of pervert you know.”

* * *

A frustrated old spinster had read in a woman’s magazine that the bigger the man’s feet, the bigger his todger. This piece of information was still in her mind when two days later a tramp came to the door with the biggest feet she had ever seen. Quick as a flash, she invited him in and proceeded to wine and dine him before taking him up to bed. The next day as he was leaving she shouted at him crossly, “Next time, wear shoes that fit you.”

* * *

For some years the lawyer had been taking his holidays at the exclusive hide-away country hotel and carrying on an affair with the owner’s daughter. However, on returning one year he discovered his mistress had given birth to twin boys.

“Why on earth didn’t you tell me?” said the astonished lawyer.

“You know I would have married you and provided for the birth.”

She replied, “That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over all the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer.

* * *

The starry-eyed young man was boring his friend to death by continually going on about his beautiful young fiancée.

Eventually, the friend could take it no more and blurted out, “I can’t believe you really want to marry her, you must know she’s been fucked by every man in town.”

The young man thought hard for a moment or two and then replied defensively, “Okay, but this isn’t really such a big town.”

* * *

A young couple bought a parrot, but quickly discovered that he could cause them a lot of embarrassment. Every time someone came to the house, he would tell them what the couple had been up to, particularly what went on in the evenings on the sofa.

“That’s it, I’ve had enough,” said the man, “from now on, you’ll be covered up early in the evening so you can’t see what’s going on. Otherwise, it’s the zoo for you.”

A few days later, the couple decided to go away for a week’s holiday so they spent the evening packing and of course filled the suitcase to overflowing.

“I’ve got an idea,” said the man. “I’ll get on top, press down as much as I can and you can tell me what’s happening.” But the case wouldn’t close.

“This is no good,” remarked the wife.

“Here, let me have a go, I’ll get on top and we’ll see if it’s any better.”

Still they couldn’t get the case to close, so the man said, “Let’s both get on top, bounce up and down and maybe that’ll work.”

Suddenly the parrot pulled off the cage cover and squawked, “I’ll take my chances at the zoo, but this I’ve just got to see?”

* * *

Bob’s flat mate walked in to find his friend sitting on the sofa, both hands bandaged and a look of great distress on his face. “Bob, what’s happened?” he gasped. “You look awful and you haven’t been back all night.”

“Oh Don, it’s been a bloody nightmare,” moaned Bob. “I’ve got to be the unluckiest bugger in the world. Last night, I went down the King’s Arms and met this fabulous bird. She was really hot and it wasn’t long before we were back at her place doing the business. All of a sudden, we heard a noise and she whispered frantically, “Quick, get out of here, it’s my husband.”

“You’ve never seen me move so quickly. I was straight out of bed and just managed to get through the window, hanging on the ledge by my fingertips, when he barged through the door. Bloody hell, Don, I was really in the shit. He crushed my fingers with a hammer and then closed the window on them. And if that wasn’t enough, a passer-by reported me to the police for hanging there stark naked. Last night, I spent the time in police cells. You see how unlucky I was.”

“Get away, Bob, it could happen to anyone,” said Don, trying to console his distressed friend.

“But you don’t understand,” pleaded Bob. “When the cops arrested me, I discovered I was only 2 inches from the ground. Unlucky heh?”

* * *

The couple had been kissing and hugging on the sofa when Stan turned to Sal and whispered “How about it Sal, it’s only a week until we get married, let’s do it now.”

“Oh no Stan” she replied. “We promised we wouldn’t, can’t you wait another seven days?”

Stan looked at her mournfully. “Okay Sal, but how about if you just give me a hint of what’s to come. Go on Sal, unbutton your dress and let me have a quick feel of your beautiful breasts.”

“Well alright” replied Sal and she did as he asked.

“Oooh Sal, that was wonderful. Will you just do one more thing for me. Will you let me have a sniff of your fanny?” So Sal relented, dropped her knickers and let Stan have a quick sniff.

“Oooh Sal” he said suddenly “are you sure it’ll last another seven days?”

* * *

“There are three different stages of marriage” said Dad to his son on the boy’s wedding day. “When you’re newlyweds, you have sex wherever and whenever you want it – the house, the
garden, in the supermarket, all over the place. But then comes stage 2. After you’ve been married for some time, sex is usually confined to the bedroom. And then comes stage 3. Many, many years on in a marriage, the most sex you get is when you pass each other on the stairs and say ‘Fuck off!’ ”

* * *

A nymphomaniac could never find enough men to satisfy her so she decided to buy her own dildo. Now she had an old boyfriend who stocked some unique sexual aids and went along to ask him for something extra special.” As it happens, I’ve just had this dildo delivered,” he said. “It’s from Hawaii and it’s got strange powers. All you have to say is “Dildo fanny” and it will do the business.”

So she took it home, unwrapped it and said “Dildo fanny” and the dildo jumped out of the box and up between her legs. It was the most fantastic feeling she’d ever had but when she wanted it to stop, it wouldn’t. Her boyfriend hadn’t given her the right words to say and she was now feeling very knackered.

“There’s only one thing to do,” she thought to herself. “I’d better get to the doctor’s.”

So she jumped in the car and drove as fast as she could to the surgery but on the way a policeman stopped her for speeding. She explained her predicament, in between having another orgasm, but the policeman looked at her as if she was mad. “If I believed that, I’d believe anything,” he said.

“Dildo my ass!”

* * *

Julie was in bed waiting for her new lover to strip off. When he did, she was so amazed at the size of his todger, she jumped out of bed and rummaged in her handbag.” What are you doing?” said the surprised man.

“I’m looking for a pencil, you’ve got to draw the line somewhere.”

* * *

As the woman was walking down the street, she noticed a small boy who she thought was in need of a pee. Taking him by the hand she led him over to a little alley and helped him get his “winkie” out. but to her astonishment, it was huge and growing by the minute as she held it in her hand. “My goodness, young fellow, how old are you?”

“Twenty-eight” replied the jockey.