A little boy and his grandpa were sitting in the garden when the little boy said, “Grandpa, grandpa, see that little worm over there. I bet I can put him back into his hole.”
Grandpa accepted the bet and they agreed on £5.
“You’ll never be able to do it, lad, the worm is too limp to be pushed back.”
The little boy disappeared inside and came back with a can of hairspray. He sprayed it all over the worm until it became as stiff as a board and then quite easily stuck it back in the hole.
“See, Grandpa, I win my bet.”
Grandpa handed over £5 and said, “I’m just popping into the house, I’ll be with you in a little while.”
Sure enough, 10 minutes later he reappeared and handed the boy another £5.
“But Grandpa, you’ve already paid me,” said the boy.
“Ah yes,” smiled Grandpa, “but this is from your Grandma.”
* * *
What’s the difference between a stick-up and a hold-up?
Age.
* * *
When do you realise you’re getting old?
When you have dry dreams and wet farts.
* * *
A young journalist was asked to go and interview a celebrated old colonel who had moved into the area. Now the old colonel’s reputation for bravery was well documented and the journalist decided to try and get a different angle on the interview. After chatting for about 20 minutes he then asked the colonel if there had been any time when he was really frightened.
The colonel thought for a moment and then replied, “There was a time when we were deep in the jungle, on the track of a bunch of renegades, when suddenly a lion jumped out at me and roared ‘Aaarrgh’. Bloody hell, I shit myself.”
The journalist was thrilled with the story.
“When was that?” he asked. “When did that happen?”
“Just now when I went ‘Aaarrgh,’ ” replied the colonel.
* * *
The social worker was doing the rounds at the local residential home and she stopped to talk to Bob who was 92.
After she’d helped him to cut up his food, she noticed a bowl of nuts on a small table next to him.
“I was given them as a present,” he said, “but I don’t want them, You’re very welcome to have them.”
Now the social worker was very fond of nuts so she nibbled away on them as she continued to chat to old Bob. As she was about to go she commented, “Thanks for the nuts, it’s an odd present to give to someone with no teeth.”
“Oh no,” he replied. “When I was given them, they had chocolate on.”
* * *
An old man decides he would like to join a nudist colony so he goes along to spend a day there, before joining up. He strips off, spends half an hour walking around and then, feeling tired, sits down to rest on a park bench. Moments later a beautiful young woman comes along and in no time at all he finds himself with a raging erection. On seeing this, she gets down on her knees and gives him a blow job. “This is wonderful,” he thinks to himself and immediately goes along to the office to sign up. The rest of the day passes pleasantly and just before he goes home, he drops his
cigarette. When he bends down to pick it up, a young man comes up behind him and does the business.
Immediately the poor old man returns to the office to cancel his subscription.
“I’m so sorry you’ve changed your mind,” says the owner, “you seemed to like it so much.”
“That’s true,” says the old man, “but at my age I only get excited once a month, and I’m always dropping my cigarette.”
* * *
Two old ladies were on holiday in Greece and had landed up at one of the local museums. As they wandered around they came across a magnificent 12 foot statue of a greek god, naked apart from a fig leaf. One of the old ladies stood transfixed.
“Come on, Mabel,” said the other. “What are you waiting for, Christmas?”
“No, just autumn,” she replied.
* * *
An old man hobbled up to the ice cream counter and asked for a chocolate cornet.
“Crushed nuts?” asked the salesgirl.
“No, arthritis,” he replied.
* * *
What’s blue and fucks grannies?
Hypothermia.
* * *
Did you hear about the old man who went to bed and reached across for his wife’s hand?
She replied, “Not tonight, Bill, I’m too tired.”
* * *
What are the signs of growing older?
At the beginning it’s tri weekly, then 20 years later it’s try weekly, but after 65 it’s try weakly!
* * *
A very old man went to the doctors to find out if he was in good working order to enjoy an active sex life.
“OK, I’ll have to examine you then,” said the doctor. “Drop your trousers.”
“No need for that,” replied the man, sticking out his index finger and his tongue.
* * *
What does an 80-year-old woman have between her knees that a 20-year-old doesn’t?
Her nipples.
* * *
It was the day of the over 60s social club outing to Scarborough. After half an hour on the coach, Bert had to get up to go to the toilet. On the way back to his seat, the bus lurched and he was thrown onto the lap of an old woman, accidentally putting his hand on her huge breast as he tried to save himself.
“I’m so very sorry,” he stammered, “but if your heart is as big as your breast, I’ll see you in heaven.”
She replied, “Oh no, dear, if your willy’s as hard as I think it is, I’ll see you in Scarborough.”
* * *
“It’s no good, Doris,” said her husband. “I know we’ve been married for 40 years, but I’m going to move in with Alice next door.”
“But why, Alf? Haven’t I always been a good wife, kept you happy?”
“Yes…but Alice gives me oral sex.”
“But I give you oral sex as well!” exclaimed Doris.
“I know, but you don’t have Parkinson’s Disease.”
* * *
An old married couple stopped at a roadside cafe to have a cup of tea before resuming their journey. Thirty minutes later, the man realised he’d left his glasses on the cafe table, so they had to turn round and drive back, the woman complaining all the way about his forgetfulness. They arrived back at the cafe and as he got out of the car she said, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my umbrella as well.”
* * *
Did you hear about the dirty old yachtsman?
He took a young girl out to sea and asked her to toss him off.
The lifeboat is still searching for the body.
* * *
Two old ladies are waiting at the bus stop when it begins to rain.
The first woman, Pam, is smoking, so she takes a condom out of her bag, snips the end off and puts it over her cigarette to stop it getting wet.
“That’s a great idea,” enthuses Mabel. “I must do the same, where do you get them from?”
“Just pop into the chemist’s,” Pam replies.
So when they arrive in town, Mabel heads for the chemist shop and asks for a packet of condoms.
“What size would that be, Madam?” enquires the assistant.
“I’m not sure,” she replies, “One that fits over a camel, please.”
* * *
Two old men were sitting on a park bench commenting on life when one turned to the other and said, “Now here’s an interesting thing, when I was in my 20s and got a stiffie, I couldn’t bend it at all. Then in my 30s, I could bend it an inch, in my 40s, I could bend it 2 inches, then 3 inches in my 50s and now I’m going to be 60 next week. Doesn’t it make you wonder how much stronger I’m going to get!”
* * *
“Let me tell you,” said the drunk old man, slurring into his pint of beer, “alchohol’s a dreadful thing, it killed my wife, you know.”
“I’m so sorry,” replied his listener, “alcoholic was she?”
“No, no, I came home pissed and shot her.”
* * *
A short-sighted spinster was ill in bed and got a visit from what she thought was the vicar. After he had been with her for some time, he left as her friend arrived.
“That was nice of the vicar to call, wasn’t it?” said the spinster.
“No, dear, that was the doctor.”
“Oh really,” she replied, disappointed, “I thought he was very familiar.”
* * *
Two little old spinsters visit the zoo for the day and end up watching the elephants. One of the spinsters finds herself close to the fence and there, not more than a few inches away, are the elephant’s testicles. Unable to stop herself, she reaches out and squeezes them. All of a sudden, the elephant roars loudly, stampedes through the fence and disappears into the park.
The zoo keeper rushes up to the old spinsters and asks them what happened. When they’ve finished their explanation, he drops his trousers and says, “Here, you’d better squeeze mine in the same way, I’ve got to catch that bugger.”
* * *
A rich but sleazy old man picks up a young girl in the local pub. He buys her drinks all night and then suggests they go somewhere for a late supper. To his astonishment, she agrees and suggests they go to one of the classiest clubs in town, where she orders all the most expensive food and eats the lot with gusto.
“Goodness me, do you always eat so much?” he asks.
“Only when someone wants to get into my pants!” she replies.
* * *
An old couple are sitting in deck chairs enjoying a few rays of sun when all of a sudden, a seagull flies overhead and drops his load on top of the man’s head.
“Just a moment, dear,” says the wife, “I think I’ve got some tissue paper in my bag.”
“Don’t be daft, dear, it’ll be miles from here by now,” he replies.
* * *
Three men were moaning about the problems that old age brings.
“Look at me,” said the 70-year-old. “Every morning I’m woken by a strong urge to have a pee but when I get up and go to the bathroom I have to stand there ages before anything happens.”
“I wish I had your problems,” said the 80-year-old. “Every morning I go for a shit but I’m so constipated I end up being there for over 2 hours.”
“Well, you’re both bloody lucky,” said the 90-year-old.
“Every morning at 7 o’clock, I have a good piss and shit like an elephant. The problem is…I don’t wake up until 8.30.”
* * *
Two women were in the kitchen listening to their husbands’ conversation.
“It’s incredible,” said the first lady, “that all they can talk about is golf and sex.”
“Oh I don’t know,” replied her friend. “You must remember at their ages that’s all they can do – talk about it.”
* * *
Two friends meet up at the over-60s social club.
“I haven’t seen you in here for a few weeks,” comments the first man.
“No, I’ve been in jail.”
“In jail! What did you do?”
“Nothing. It just so happened that I was walking in the park when a beautiful young girl and a policeman rushed up and the girl accused me of sexual assault. Well, at my age, I was so flattered, I didn’t deny it.”
* * *
Two old men reminisce about old times.
“Do you know, Sid, when I was just a lad I never made love to my wife before we got married. Did you?”
“I can’t remember,” said Alf. “What was her maiden name?”
* * *
A very old woman is walking down the lane when she sees a frog waving to her.
“Oh miss,” he calls. “Please help me. If you give me a kiss I will turn into a handsome film star and I promise to stay with you forever.”
The old woman picks up the frog and puts it straight into her handbag.
“Hey!” shouts the frog, “Aren’t you going to kiss me?”
“Oh no,” she replies. “When you get to my age, what good is a handsome man? A talking frog is much more exciting.”
* * *
An old woman who’d been living on her own for many years was burgled one night. They tied her up, ransacked the house and were just about to leave when the boss turned to his accomplices and said, “Wait outside, I reckon I’ll just give her something to remember me by.”
“Oh, come on, boss,” whined the others. “Let’s just get out of here before there’s any trouble.”
Hearing this, the old woman interrupted.
“Now hold on, don’t you think you ought to leave it to the boss to decide what to do?”
* * *
Two old ladies talking over half a mild in the local pub.
“Did you hear old Sid had a massive stroke?” said one.
“Oh yes,” said the other. “Everyone knew, that’s why he was so popular with the ladies.”
* * *
“Look, Flo,” said the old spinster, “they’re selling 3 cucumbers for 60p.”
“Well, I can always eat the other two,” came the reply.
* * *
He was so old that when he asked the doctor how long he might live, the doctor replied, “I wouldn’t advise you to buy any green bananas.”
* * *
A man who lived at a nudist colony received a letter from his mother asking him to send her a more up-to-date photo of himself. Unfortunately, he only had one picture, but it was of him in the nude, so he cut the photo in half and sent her the top half. Some time later, mum wrote again asking him if he would send a photo of himself to his ageing grandmother.
Now he only had the bottom half left but because she had such poor eyesight, he took a chance that she would be none the wiser. Some time later, he got a letter back from his grandmother and in it she said, “Thanks for the picture.
Maybe you should change your hairstyle a bit, though, it makes your nose look long.”
* * *
Two old seadogs were mulling over old times in the Black Dog Public House. One had a wooden leg and the other had an eye patch and a hook on the end of his arm.
“So how did you lose your leg?” asked one-eyed Jack.
“It were back in ‘49. Our ship went down in rough seas off the coast of China and some bloody big shark came along and bit it off. The bastard! So what about you and your hook?”
“That was down to Hardacre’s lads. They chased us halfway across the channel before boarding us. But we put up a great fight. Shook the beggars off in the end. Just a shame it wasn’t before one of them cut my arm off.”
“And what about the eye patch?”
“Seagull shit.”
“What! I don’t believe it.”
“As true as I’m sitting here,” said Jack. “I happened to look up at the sun and this seagull shat in my eye.”
“And that’s what made you blind?”
“No, but it was only the second day with my new hook.”
* * *
Two old women lived in the most boring old people’s home ever.
There was nothing to do but watch TV, play bingo or knit.
“Let’s liven this place up a bit,” said one to the other. “Why don’t we give the men a thrill and streak past them as they’re all sitting in their deckchairs.
The other agreed and later in the day, they carried out their plan.
“Did you see that?” one old man asked his companion.
“I did,” he replied “but my eyes aren’t so good these days, who were they and what were they wearing?”
“I don’t know who they were, but whatever they were wearing, it needed ironing.”
* * *
Sweet old Fay Mahoney hobbled along to confession as she’d done for more than 70 years. She went in, sat down and began. “Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I committed adultery with a young, good-looking milkman.”
“Oh my goodness,” said the shocked priest, “and when was this?”
“About fifty years ago, but I just felt like remembering the good old days.”