Adult Joke Book: A Walk on the Wild Side

The young man finally made up his mind to tell his mother he was gay. He could no longer keep it a secret so one evening when she was in the kitchen making supper, he took the plunge and told her.

“Mum, I have something to tell you, I’m gay.”

Immediately, his mother replied, “Does being gay mean you have men’s dicks in your mouth?”

“Well …” stammered the young man. “Yes, it does.”

“In that case,” she said angrily, “don’t you ever criticise my cooking again.”

* * *

A gay walks into a pub carrying a small bag and announces to the crowd, “If anyone can guess what’s in my bag, I’m yours for the night.”

A big, burly man stands up, thinking he’ll have a laugh and shouts, “OK, I guess you’ve got a 10-ton truck in there.”

The gay looks into his bag and smiles.

“Well done, we have a winner.”

* * *

There was a convention on in town and all the available accommodation was taken up by the visiting delegates.

“I’m sorry, Sir, there isn’t a room anywhere, the only bed I’ve got left means you’ll have to share a room with one of our local residents and he snores so loudly you won’t get any sleep at all.” The weary traveller considered it for a moment and then smiled.

“No problem,” he said, “I don’t mind sharing.”

The next morning, the man went to check out.

“Well, sir, you look well rested, you must have slept well, how did you manage it with all that snoring?”

“I wasn’t disturbed at all,” replied the man. “Before I went to sleep I blew the other man a kiss and said, ‘Sleep well darling.’ He stayed awake all night watching me.”

* * *

A young man moves into a new neighbourhood, alone and without any friends. He’s only been there a couple of days when there’s knock on the door.

“Hi,” says the visitor. “I’m Colin, I live just down the hall from you and I thought I’d come and introduce myself.”

“Thanks,” says the young man. “I’m Mike.”

“Well Mike, would you like to come to a party over at my place on Saturday night? There’ll be plenty of booze, great music and lots of sex.”

“Wow, that sounds good, what do you reckon I should wear?” says Mike.

“Oh, come as you are, there’ll only be the two of us.”

* * *

Two retired gentlemen met up in their club for drinks. The first said, “How’s that son of yours getting on, Bernard?”

“Oh, very well, thank you. This year his company made record profits so now he’s bought himself a country estate.

In fact, he’s given away his flat in Mayfair to one of his friends. What about your son?” asked the second man.

“I’m pleased to say, he’s also doing well. He’s just finished a very successful film and with the proceeds, he’s given away his 2-seater plane and bought himself a company jet.”

As the two men sat there, contemplating their off-springs’ good fortune, another man joined them.

“Good evening, Bernard, hello, Geoffrey, may I join you?”

“Certainly,” they replied, “we were just catching up on news of our sons. How’s yours doing, by the way?”

“Well, mixed fortunes really,” he said. “Last week he confessed to my wife and I that he was gay. But it’s not all bad news. He’s made some lovely friends. One’s given him a flat in Mayfair and the other’s presented him with a 2-seater plane.”

* * *

Alan and Cyril went to Blackpool for the weekend and because the weather was so hot, they decided to spend the afternoon on the beach. While Alan sunbathed, Cyril took the lilo into the water but after half an hour the wind suddenly blew up and he found himself floating out to sea.

Luckily, the lifeguards spotted the danger and took immediate action. A few minutes later, he was dragged gasping from the sea as Alan rushed up.

“Cyril, Cyril, are you alright? It’s me, Alan.”

“Indeed I’m not,” gasped Cyril. “I was on that lilo for ages and not once did you look up and blow me a kiss.”

* * *

“I’m sorry, dad, I think I’ve let you down.”

“Why’s that, son?”

“Yesterday we had to do our first parachute jump and when it came to my turn, I just froze, I couldn’t make myself take that final step.”

“So what happened?”

“The instructor told me if I didn’t jump, he’d fuck me up the arse.”

“So did you jump?”

“I did a little, at first.”

* * *

One of the most beautiful girls in the region had all her clothes stolen when she went sunbathing in what she thought was a secluded spot. Realising that the evening was coming and it would get cold she knew she’d have to take a chance and get home as soon as possible.

At that moment she saw a young man pedalling along the road, flagged him down and told him of her plight. He readily agreed to take her home and she jumped on his bicycle. After 10 minutes she couldn’t believe he wasn’t affected by her appearance and said, “Haven’t you noticed I’m completely naked?”

“Oh yes,” replied the young man, “but haven’t you noticed that I’m riding a girl’s bicycle?”

* * *

Two gay boys were having a terrible row.

“Fuck off,” screamed the first.

“Go to hell,” retorted the second.

“Kiss my arse,” replied the first.

“Oh you want to make up now,” smiled the second.

* * *

“Come in, Mr Flowers,” said the doctor. “I’ve had the results of your tests and there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that you’re a latent homosexual.”

“Oh no,” said the man aghast. “What’s the good news?”

“Well the good news is that I find you very cute,” replied the doctor.

* * *

“Paddy,” asked the barmaid. “What are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?”

“I’ll tell you what those are,” replied Paddy heatedly.

“They’re two hand grenades and if that old queen comes up to me again and feels my balls, I’ll blow his fucking fingers off.”